In My Dreams…

Things that help: exercise, reading, interesting food, not bringing work home, even though you probably should. Things that don’t help: the weirdass dreams I’ve been having almost every night this week. I seriously wake up thinking I’ve lived this entirely different life in my head (and you’re all there, doing weirdass things), and my brain is confused by the alarm, by the bed, by the cat, by everything. I feel like I have to recite this mantra in my head: You’re a teacher. You teach middle school. You teach science. You will have to go to work today. Wait, I’m NOT discovering some weird anthropological creature in an underground dig in Mozambique? With my high-school chemistry teacher? Who’s probably dead by now (OK, maybe not…he wasn’t THAT old)? With 3 friends from elementary school and one from college, none of which I’ve seen in 30 years? OK. Brain reset.

Somewhat disorienting.

I went to the gym last night to finish my book. Oh yeah, and get some much-needed exercise. I’d forgotten how nice it was to do that. Must add back into calendar. Then I came back and made a lovely healthy meal. Also a good thing.

I pulled this picture of the girlchild’s travel group off the webs…

A motley crew for sure. They are all writing 40-page papers in the next three days, and then she’ll have a week of being a tourist, and then back home. Fast, eh? And then it’s less than a month until the boychild graduates from college, holy crap, when did that happen?

This is every teacher right now…especially as we realized yesterday that the full moon is this weekend…and that was fully apparent on our campus.

I have had to explain multiples times that they have almost TWO MORE MONTHS OF SCHOOL SIT DOWN AND DO YOUR WORK. Yeah. Rough year. Time to start teaching sex ed.

After the healthy dinner, I did more of this…not as much as I wanted to get done…

I only cut for about 2 hours, but I finished the second yard and started the third. I figure I’m about 2/3ds of the way through. Maybe another 3 hours? Sounds like tonight, eh?

I’m hoping. And then sort them and start ironing down…which means I should go buy fabrics today for the background. Store closes at 5…they used to have one late day a week, but no one (but me) used it. I can kamikaze over there after work…I try to never have meetings after school on Fridays. I need a break. Especially this week…it’s been meeting-heavy. And next week is May! Holy crap that was fast.

OK, today will be a lot of managing behaviors and pushing them through learning…hopefully it will go well. (in my dreams! ha ha ha…I don’t usually teach in my dreams…although I’m often at school. A girl can dream. Ha ha ha! I’m killin’ myself laughing over here.)

Tell Me Now How Do I Feel*

The early mornings are getting to me…I actually went to bed early last night. I know, it’s a miracle. I was tired though. Yesterday was three meetings before and after school, and the afterschool one took a lot out of me. When we teach reproduction, we have to allow the parents to preview the curriculum, which is fine. I’m glad they’re paying attention…but this was more about a culture clash than reproduction. Those are hard. I think it might have been just as hard for the dad. The parents can choose to opt their child out of a sexual education, which I don’t really agree with, but I respect their right to do so…so every year, we send letters home and do these meetings and then have parents who choose to have their kid NOT learn about how their bodies work. And no, it’s not just girls. Anyway…unfortunately, they don’t let US choose who to opt out, because there are some pure trolls and some incredibly immature (um boys) who make it a lot harder for us to teach this unit.

When I got home from that, which took longer than it ever has, I walked the dogs.

It was over 3 miles, and they were dragging at the end of it. It felt good, though. All of us need the exercise. Unfortunately, because of coyote sightings, I’ve limited the walks we go on now. I need to go out into those wild places and see if that’s still an issue. Of course, I know the coyotes are still there, but with daylight stretching later, it’s possible that I can go and avoid them.

When I came home, after eating dinner, I started cutting out Wonder Under.

I had (tired) couch companions…

He’s now licking his paw something awful, so there must be something in there. Unfortunately, he’s a bitey asshole, so he won’t let anyone else look at it.

This one also slept…

And I cut for almost 3 hours.

It’s a very methodical process, very meditative. Cut this larger section, cut the big pieces out, then down to the small pieces. Then pick up the next larger section. I got through one whole yard of Wonder Under and part of the next one…looks like it’ll take me three long nights to get through it, but I could potentially be done Friday night. I’m not caught up with grading at school, but I know there are many opportunities in the next week or so to get caught up, so I’m going to try to limit what I bring home. That life-work balance is a bitch for teachers.

I did book the girlchild’s flight home to San Diego (not until August) last night. I’ll see her in May in New York for the boychild’s graduation. She’s on short time in Madagascar now…hoping she stays healthy for the last bit and manages to get home safe.

*New Order, Blue Monday

Too Much Water Damage

This week is tired. I’m pretty sure I thought yesterday was Wednesday, which would make today Thursday, but you know it’s not. Tuesday inserted itself rudely back into the week, refusing to be ignored. Damn you, Tuesday. So now it’s Wednesday and there are two more meetings today which makes it long and tiring. Plus, let’s be completely honest here, I’ve stayed up too late two nights (or more) in a row, trying to get the Wonder Under traced. That said, even going to bed late, I find it hard to fall asleep…my brain is racing, stressed, on overdrive, wants to read my book, wants to work on the quilt, wants to do anything but slow down and relax and rest and rejuvenate. Bad brain.

Yesterday’s afterschool meeting was about National Board certification…something I’ve been considering. I need to get my district to pay for it, though. I love that the only professional development that might actually be useful for me is something I have to pay for myself…all the stuff they force me to go to is mostly useless. Sigh. So it was an interesting meeting…we’ll see if I decide to do that. It might be best to wait a year, until I don’t have to work three jobs to pay for college. Being one kid down in that respect is not necessarily helpful…the boychild had more grant money, so his payment was pretty small…in fact, we haven’t paid anything this year out of pocket…it all came out of the college money we started saving when he was a baby. That was nice. Maybe the girlchild’s will be similar. Going into the 5th year of college payments is hard…there’s nothing left. (Who am I kidding? There was nothing left after the second year.)

Then I came home and soaked my very-much-not-infected (well, at the moment) foot. They still have me on antibiotics until the culture comes back…one of the wonders of diabetes…the fear of foot injuries. I was multi-tasking…reading my book (that’s due in 3 days) while soaking. Of course. And then! I’m a character in the book!

So far, I’m kind of a lame character…but I’ll take it. Might be a true representation of the Nida character right there in the second-to-last sentence.

Then right back to this, because when I stopped Monday night, there were only about 230 pieces to go. And that’s doable in one night.

Well, it’s probably more doable when you start earlier, because it was well after midnight when I was done. Piece 1000 is in there, but honestly, last night, there were at least 3 numbers that were used twice and at least 4 pieces that weren’t numbered, so who knows what I’m really at. Somewhere AROUND 1000.

It took about 10 1/2 hours…not bad…almost exactly an hour per 100 pieces. I was on a roll! That’s 10 episodes of Agents of SHIELD too. I think. I must have watched something else too, because I still have quite a few episodes in there.

I spread out all the Wonder Under…it’s about 3 1/2 yards’ worth. Covers the light table and more…

Next comes about 7 hours or so of sitting on the couch and cutting them apart. Oh yeah, I never found two numbers on the drawing…so either they were hiding completely (sometimes I number illogically) or they never existed. The human brain is a messed-up device. Too much water damage.

Meeting this morning with the science department; after school, with any parents who want to see our sex ed program before we start teaching it. Yes! It’s almost THAT time of year. Oh boy. Seriously, they might wake up and pay attention…I’d be good with that.

If you want a copy of the catalog for the Things That Matter traveling exhibit, it’s available now on Amazon right here. All the quilt statements are in there too, which is nice. I still haven’t had a chance to read them all.

With that, I’m going to go deal with some other things that matter…

It’s Much Too Late to Find*

Apparently the girlchild and I are simultaneously on antibiotics for infected leg/foot wounds. Impressive. Except mine was a tiny little bougainvillea thorn and hers is a whopping scab from a hiking fall with a 70-pound backpack that didn’t help her Not fall. And hers is in a third-world country that hosts some nasty-ass infectious bugs. Although they cultured my tiny wound…so maybe I have something fun too. FUN.

My afterschool experience: Yup, that sucker was tiny, but my body had already mounted significant pus protection against it. Plus it hurt like a bitch.

It was deep enough that my science co-teacher rescinded her offer to dig it out with one of the rusty school scalpels (we would have put a new blade in, no worries).

Meanwhile, 11,000 miles away…some serious pus…

Blech. The mosquito bite on top of the knee looks lovely.

So I actually left school early to go to Urgent Care. We were supposed to have a staff meeting, but because grades were due, he gave us the time to do that instead. So I texted him and told him where I would be grading (and I did…free wifi..score!). But I wasn’t done when I got home…took me another 2 hours or so, maybe 3? Yeah, more like 3, to finish up grades around 9:20 PM or so. Hallelujah. (This is not the first time I have graded in Urgent Care.)

Then I bid on a copyediting job, since I won’t be able to do anything during July without constantly panicking about jury duty (SIGH). So it makes sense to take jobs on now? With school? Whatever. This one has a long deadline. Plus it might lead to more work, who knows. I don’t really WANT more work…but I still have a year of college to pay for with one kid, plus loans that need to be paid off for the other (with his help, after he gets an awesome job at BevMo).

And then I traced some more. I’m well past the 50% mark now…in the high 600s. I found two more unnumbered pieces (I am a space cadet)…so we’re at 1003? I think? No, there was one the night before…1004. I have two yards mostly filled…and I started on the third.

There are a lot of small pieces, even though I tried not to do that with the stuff I added to the original drawing.. I’m almost done with the third figure, so all that’s left is the fireplace and everything on it…cat, log pile, fire, logs, I said logs, the shit on the mantle. Not a small amount of stuff, but maybe I could finish tonight? Probably not though…

What day is it? Tuesday? OK, so finish tracing by tomorrow and start cutting out…I need to see if I have a background piece that will work for this…no, I don’t (remember conversation about fireplace and wood floor contrast)…so I should plan a quilt store trip at some point…can’t iron down without a background to compare fabrics to. Cool. A plan. Background purchased this weekend. Ironing to fabrics sometime next week? I forget sometimes how close this deadline is. I may not make it. Oh well, it will still be a cool quilt.

*Human League, Don’t You Want Me

Save Tonight and Fight the Break of Dawn*

Ahhhh. Monday. Hello. Now shut up.

Grades due tomorrow? Check. Not done. Homework you were grading in the car on the way to and from your fiber group meeting yesterday? Check. Not done. The 17 things on your to-do list from the weekend? Check. Not done. Like any of them, I think. Well, not true…I did the school-related stuff, I made it to the grocery store…so there’s food. The laundry got done somehow by 11:45 PM, so there are clean clothes. So I guess, yes, I am in survival mode. What’s new? Less than 2 months of school to go…it is not the sanest time of year.

Proof: between my co-teacher and I yesterday..

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So this afternoon, I need to finish grading one assignment, finish the makeup tests, input it all, and then decide the effort and participation grades for each kid. Fun stuff. It’s only a progress report, though, so it’s not the end of the world…which is apparent to me by the remarkably small number of kids who tried to turn in late work. Hmmm.

So I did trace Wonder Under on Saturday before heading out to the Visions opening of Things That Matter, where I met some very interesting artists (not all of us made it into this photo, unfortunately). Me, Sandra Lauterbach, Martha Ressler, Bonnie Jo Smith, Sandra Poteet, and Lin Schiffner.

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I also really enjoyed talking to Alice Beasley, whose work for this show is highly political and amusing, and Dawn Williams Boyd, whose work caught my eye right away. I think she challenged me to make a room-size quilt. Because? Oh, and apparently I own one of Bonnie’s pieces (totally spaced on that) from a SAQA auction.

There’s a catalog for this show, currently available at Visions, and hopefully other places soon. Not all of the artists in this traveling show were accepted into this exhibit, so it would be nice to see the full show when it opens in November in Chandler, Arizona…some truly beautiful work.

My piece is hanging next to Susan Else’s amazing piece about gun violence.

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That’s a gun barrel with a classroom inside it. Amazing.

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I really sucked at taking photos at the exhibit, but you should go see it and buy the catalog anyway…it’s what will help us ship our work all over the country.

From the opening, I headed to a friend’s bonfire for dinner…a beach sunset eventually showed up.

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And then to a stranger’s house to watch the band. They removed a door and that back wall to get room for the show. My guy is staring at me…I’m probably doing something weird, like photographing the band.

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Sunday was a fiber meeting, and then attempted surgery on my foot. I stepped on a bougainvillea thorn…I was wearing shoes at the time. I think. Maybe I wasn’t. Anyway, that was Saturday or maybe even Friday, but it was hurting Sunday.

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Unfortunately, he was unsuccessful…it was already swollen by then (it didn’t hurt until Sunday, I swear). I’ve slathered it with cream…even soaked it in vinegar last night. Imagine me tracing Wonder Under with my foot planted in a pot full of vinegar for an hour. It’s still in there, but it doesn’t hurt as much. All the other home remedies involve my making some gooey paste, slathering it on there, and covering it with a bandage for 24 hours. Except it’s the bottom of my foot and I stand all day. Hmmm. So there’s that. I guess if it gets worse, I’ll head over to Urgent Care for a more qualified guy with a headlamp.

Meanwhile, the low-level cold is still fucking over my sinuses. This thing is evil.

What is it about cats lying all over our stuff?

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So yeah, I traced some more Wonder Under yesterday. I have about 5 1/2 hours in, and I’m in the 400s…

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Not even halfway. I have two figures traced…one more to go and then the whole fireplace, which has quite a few pieces in it.

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I’ll try to do more tonight, but I have to finish grades first. And before that, I have to get to school and do something. I wish I knew what that something was, but you saw that text. I THINK I’ve done everything I need for today…but I’m honestly not sure. I guess, as usual, I will find all that out the hard way.

*Eagle-Eye Cherry, Save Tonight

I Got My Head Done When I Was Young*

Well here’s a Saturday that is just WIIIIDE open. Until 3:30, when I have to leave for the next 9 or 10 hours and somehow wear/bring/change into appropriate clothing for three different style and weather-exposure events. I seriously can’t even get my head around that. What do I wear to an art opening, then a bonfire, and finally a house party I’m crashing? Jeans and a black t-shirt seems appropriate for all? Maybe? Addition of some warming attire that can be shed, because as a woman of a particular age, I heat up too much inside? Yeah. I’m thinking. So there’s that.

And I had this plan to go to the gym this morning, to get back into that routine, but I got this email last night that says that it’s KIDS DAY at the gym. Oh holy hell…lots of free games and kid stuff…there will be 700 people there, no way in hell. Sigh. I suck at life sometimes. I do have grades to do…they’re due Tuesday. I’m taking one assignment with me to the meeting tomorrow, so I left that one. I graded one and a half last night. I’m sitting here now, about to do all the makeup work, thus frustrating those kids who will wait until Sunday night. There’s one other paper assignment I need to get done, but very few kids did it (it was a makeup test). So there’s all that.

What do I really want to do? Stand here.

For like the next 4 hours. Seriously. I’m hoping to do some of that today anyway, since I started really late last night, due to the grading. I haven’t gotten very far…about piece 180, I think. I stopped last night around midnight because I was going to be good and go to sleep (I didn’t). Although this is probably one of the most boring phases of the quilt for those watching me, it’s one of the relaxing parts of the quilt for me. OK. Wait. Most of them are meditative in one way or another. I think that’s those artistic brain waves. I welcome them.

But just tracing around things that are already thought out (mostly, because I have to decide what goes under and needs an overlap and what doesn’t. OK. That’s actually a lot of thinking, but it’s very focused thinking.).

So this guy was hanging out and precipitated a discussion of the differences between lizards and geckos and whether or not the ridges on the tail were one for every time he lost it (he obviously has a new tiny tail there).

I could not figure this out online. I suspect not. But I thought it would be cool if that were so…like the rings of a tree or the rattles on a rattlesnake.

I finished the intriguing book I was reading this week, Future Home of the Living God, by Louise Erdrich.

I started reading Erdrich when I was in college as part of my comparative literature degree. I have a bunch of her books from those years, and then as I’ve noticed books coming out, I read more. This one was totally not what I expected, and I loved it. I mean, I’ve always loved her semi-fantastical family woven into Native stories, but this one went sci fi, and that’s almost always a good thing for me. I was able to ignore most of the science questions (I still have lots!) simply because hell, we really don’t understand a lot about all that extra DNA. The only disappointment for me was that there was a letdown at the end of the book (not giving story away)…I wanted more, of course, and maybe that will come or maybe that’s just it. I didn’t see a connection to The Handmaid’s Tale while I was reading, but I guess I can see it now, just in that there’s a reproduction problem (which we know will probably happen) and because of that, shit happens. I’m waiting for the dystopian novel that takes that story and has women taking over because of it, but I don’t know if that’s happened yet. Interesting idea of how paranoid our society might become if women can’t pop babies out on demand (we can’t now either, but there’s enough doing it that it doesn’t seem to be a problem).

ANYWAY…on to the next book. I love reading. Have I told you I love reading? In fact, it’s hard to look at tonight with three THREE social events without thinking, I wonder if I can just bring my book with me? Um. Probably not.

Simba needed loves last night. He got them.

Although he looks somewhat perturbed by it in this photo.

OK…finish the makeup grades, then get thee to the light table. Eventually make a decision about clothing and get the hell out of here. I do have some free passes to the Visions opening tonight…I keep forgetting about that. If you want one, email me and I’ll meet you out front? I know, that means (a) you want to go, (b) you live in the San Diego area, (c) you’re not already a member, and (d) you read all the way down here to see this in time. Sorry. I suck. Just remembered. I think I’ll take them with me and just hand them out to passersby or something. More eyeballs! I’m actually really looking forward to seeing this piece hanging…

Not Less Than…part of the Things That Matter exhibit opening tonight at Visions, and then traveling to a variety of places that I should know off the top of my head! Whoops. Working on it. Check the Current Shows page. I’ll get it updated next. I swear.

*Blur, Song 2

I Don’t Ever Wanna Feel Like I Did That Day*

Yeah, I’m up early. I was already awake…trying to remind myself in my sleep to wear my anti-gun-violence T-shirt today for Columbine. Things we remember: Reagan being shot, Columbine, 9/11. Fun stuff. Right eye is twitching. Yesterday was calmer. Today will be frenetic, because things are due to the teacher and you didn’t tell us! I did. You aren’t giving us enough time! Yes I am. Next week will be a little more chill. But we’ll be talking about what war does to a country, to a national park, to be specific, and that’s walking a fine line sometimes. Too many of my students have direct experience with guns and bombs falling. I think about that and I’m glad I grew up in sunny Southern California, where the only guns are in the workplace and at school. Whoops! No seriously, my growing-up time was also pretty chill. Same stupid drama you always see in middle and high school, but also dances and parades and homework and ditching school and dressing up for Halloween and all that stuff. No war, except the cold one. No weapons, except the nuclear ones.

The quilt I’m working on now isn’t about guns or even women’s rights or climate change or anything else political. It’s personal. I need a little mental space to work on it…it’s easier to see each piece as this particular shape than to try to tag it on social media with what’s important. What’s important? Across the board, how we treat people. All people…whether we’re trying to work with them in a group or teach them or love them or be with them or just stand in line with them in the grocery store. Or like that guy who was trying to drive up my ass the other day because he wanted to pass the truck in the other lane and he was in the wrong lane and I wasn’t going fast enough for him, so all I could see was the grill of his pickup truck and his middle finger thrusting at me in my rearview mirror. Really? I was doing 67 mph in an only lane that was exiting that freeway. Not fast enough. I wonder about his life that he thought that was an appropriate move. I hate that those guys sit in my chest and make all the feels.

I graded more yesterday. I’m trying to get caught up. It’s frustrating though, because then some kid emails me, completely confused about what I graded, but he never turned it in. So that’s a zero, sweetheart. I can’t (won’t) grade what you don’t turn in.

I had quilt class last night, which is just the two of us most times now…which is fine. I didn’t want to haul all the stuff to trace Wonder Under, so I just took the box of things that need sewing down. I forgot half my thread, but this is my quilt teacher, so she has that stuff. We like never run out of thread…the spools last seven thousand years when you’re doing applique…it’s such short strands. Even all the bindings I’ve sewn down…I think only the black and the dark blue thread are anywhere near empty…and they’re still NOT empty. When I die, it will be spools of thread and art exhibit announcements…and the FABRIC that drive my children bonkers. I’m OK with that. Maybe by then, I’ll be a mural painter and it will be my spray paint collection in the garage instead.

I got the lion’s body down, the two rectangles in the background, the body of whatever that gray animal is, and now I’m working on the tree. Still lots to do. Not even sure where the wool thread is for that blue hut.

This is Mind the Gap, a show I will never see in person, unfortunately, due to the stupid hours. It closes today, I think…pick up is next week. Good friends drive down and photograph the show for you. Mine is on the right…there’s more pictures, but I didn’t have the energy to download them all yesterday. I partnered with James Watts, whose kokeshi doll is being stared down by my angry earth mother.

I’ll post more later for that. I swear.

Then after dinner and grades, I started tracing the new quilt. At 1000 pieces (and it’s 1001…I just found one I missed), it’s going to be a while…

There are some big rug pieces in there that take up lots of space on the first yard of Wonder Under. There are three figures on this quilt…so there will be lots of flesh tones. The fireplace is gray stone. Something to think about. The background will have two colors: floor and wall. How will I get the contrast I usually love? Well I need to consider that. Red wall? Dark brown wood floor? Dark gray stones in the fireplace? We’ll see. Complicated for sure. It’ll be at least 10 hours of tracing, probably more like 12. So I won’t be done with that until the end of next week probably. Good to have goals.

Time is tight. 39 days. Will I be making the other one also? What…am I nuts? Sigh. Yes. Yes I am. It may not be possible. I may have to reconsider. I may have to work harder.

This was at school. I have no idea why.

Early meeting today. Long day today. But there’s a weekend and that’s a good thing.

*Red Hot Chili Peppers, Under the Bridge

Move Through the Room Like Ambulance Drivers*

It has been pointed out to me that I am in a crappy mood. I agree. I am. It’s true. I do my best to counteract such moods: spending time reading my really interesting book, trying to draw every night, exercising on occasion (I’d like to do more of that), and messing with student brains. I had a kid write “Nida your a bitch” on one of the desks. OOOHH…that’s original sweetie. I have to agree as well. And right back at ya. So I erased it and then started a conversation, although I’m fairly sure this is a different kid…

I’m pretty sure I know which kid this is and which kid thinks I’m a bitch (the one I called out the other day for constantly trying to copy the people at her table, which is why I moved her to a different group this week. HA!). Can you see me rolling my eyes from here? Yesterday had a lot of fun components (not really) that ended in a load of stressful crap that better not show up in my class today…or tomorrow. All I can say is that at least they have bad aim, so I didn’t get hit.

Then I drove down to a show I’m in that I haven’t been able to see yet, because the gallery was supposed to be open late, but it wasn’t. So that was annoying, but I took it in stride. Because what else are you gonna do? Pitch a fit? Nah. Drive home, make a cup of tea, read a chapter. I graded a little bit. I’ve been unfocused on that shit lately…hard when you have to babysit in class after you’ve assigned something, stand over them until they make a start, stand over them so they don’t hurl epithets about Your Mom. Your Mom wants you to get to work, you sweet little dear child, not pick a fight with some other 12-year-old.

My patience is worn thin.

Dark dog…

After dinner, I finished the drawing…eventually I started numbering it…

I knew it was not going to be just a few pieces. They never are.

There’s the thing I put in the bottom corner…the backpack.

There’s the 1000th piece. I’ve never ended exactly on 1000. Yes, odds are I missed a number or didn’t number some piece. I find myself transposing numbers as I write them. I think 783 and write 738. I hope that’s not some form of advancing dementia.

It’s not huge, but it’s not small. Maybe 36″ wide? I’m not actually sure I can finish it in time. But you know me…I’m gonna try.

Besides, it’ll give me something else to think about…because I’m finding school very frustrating right now. And I’m still low-key fighting this illness. And I ate jellybeans at school all day yesterday because I was that stressed. The right eye is twitching, but not constantly yet, so I have plenty of stress levels left. By the way, if you live with a teacher, and this is the first year you’ve experienced the End of the Year Syndrome, have patience. They give us the summer off for a reason.

Here’s Simba in one of his favorite sleeping spots. He really likes that pillow.

He’s cute. That’s another thing you can do when you’re stressed: Pet the animals. Or try to comb out all their winter fur blobs. It’s satisfying.

*Beck, Where It’s At

Relief

So I moved the jury duty to July. No plans for July, I guess. Day by day. Sucks. I guess I will hope I don’t get called on the days I already have stuff planned. I’m still really irritated that the one single month a year that is usually NOT stressful will be stressful on a daily basis. I will have to set up some sort of prayer circle each night before I call to see if I have to go in. Burn some sage over the phone, sing to the goddess of teachers on summer vacation, trying to replenish the patience that gets us through the year (I don’t have much of it left right now).

Meanwhile, I think my body is trying to fight off the nasty-ass cold from hell that permeated my house last week. I have been fighting the scratchy cough, which I thought was from having to talk too loud in class, but last night it was more than that, and this morning I have the baby beginnings of a migraine. I don’t get migraines. Seriously, I’ve had two in my whole life. I know, bless me, but this is way back behind the bones and it’s vibrating like a mofo.

So stay away, weird illness. I don’t need you. I got shit to do. Yesterday, we didn’t even sit down to dinner until almost 9 PM (see notes from yesterday, this week is not working well)…and then, while letting Dirk Gently make me giggle (I really do love that guy. And Farrah. And Amanda. And maybe even Todd.), I was working on BALLS. Still with the balls. With Satchemo’s help…

OK, dude. Not really helping. “I want to touch the quilt.” “I know. I don’t want you to touch the quilt.” “I’m going to touch the quilt anyway.”

Sigh. Yup, he’s still there. Touching the quilt.

You realize that after I get all these bastards sewn down (which has taken me over a year, because I didn’t really do it for a long long while), I will have to embellish every goddamn one of them? Yeah. Me too. It’s OK. I got this.

After I did that, I considered grading, but I did tutoring after school yesterday, which was work, hard work, it’s so exhausting, so I didn’t FEEL like working. I get to a point where I just fight it. Too many hours already. So I didn’t. It was after 10 PM.

I stood up, went back to the light table (biggest piece of furniture in my living room), assessed my day, wrote a to-do list for the evening (evening! Ha! It’s night now, baby.) and the next day, and then started to draw. Fireplace done…and then the figure in front. So what’s interesting about this drawing is that I started it July of 2014. I did the two main figures and then realized there wasn’t room in my sketchbook for the rest of the vision in my head. So I enlarged it 250-300% (don’t remember which…it was a while ago), taped it together, and then put it on top of the piano to wait. Or percolate. Or something. Because honestly, what came out last night (and the few days before) was almost line for line exactly what has been sitting in my head for the last 3 years and 9 months, minus 8 days.

I can’t remember my phone number sometimes. I can’t remember what month it is. I don’t know if I made my lunch or where I left my damn keys, but I remember that picture in my head. That’s crazy. It was a relief to draw it…seriously, a like-Ima-gonna-cry relief. Weird. I still need to do something in that space around his feet, because the empty is bugging me (that’s really what my drawings are about…the empty space bugging me until I fill it)…but as I was trying to fall asleep last night (at 12:18 AM, way too late), things were popping into my head and trying themselves out in that space.

Anyway. That’s cool. I have a ton of stuff to do today, but hopefully I’ll get the last bits of this drawn tonight and maybe have time to number it. It’s a relief to get it done. I keep saying that word. Relief. That’s not the name of the quilt. Yet. It does have a name…it has from the beginning.

Like I Have a Choice…

Well I came home yesterday and had a minor nervous breakdown…not because of school. That went OK. Not perfect, not amazing, just OK. Sat through another hour of how to deal with a shooter on campus (doesn’t make me feel more prepared, trust me, although as science teachers, we have a more useful arsenal than most for the FIGHT section of Run Hide Fight. Yes. That’s what we learn in staff meetings. Fun stuff. Actually kind of upsetting stuff. I really don’t like it. But then again, there’s a lot of things I don’t like…fish, chocolate…allergic to both. Staff meetings, grading stuff, trying to explain to middle-school boys why they need to shower every single fucking day. Nope. Don’t like those things.

But no, that wasn’t it. I even stayed for about 45 minutes and reworked all the groups for the project they’re doing this week, because I realized how many kids would be out of my classes on Friday because an elementary school is coming to visit, and that means those kids will be helping with that, and it just wasn’t going to work in a group of 5 kids if 4 of them were gone on the day the project is due. Plus there were some groups that were dysfunctional. It’s not fair to put one hardworking high-level kid in a group when you know they’re going to end up doing everything. So I redid all those.

And then I came home. And got the damn mail. US District Court jury summons for the entire month of June. You know, the month when I teach sex ed. At the school where we either get no subs or we get subs who are incompetent and discuss bitcoin with the kids when they should be working on ecosystems. Or the sub who…well, I probably can’t talk about that one, because it’s an ongoing investigation. So every night, I’m supposed to call and get my status for the next day, and then if I have to go in, I’ll have to write sub plans right then for a sex ed unit that has no script for a teacher who doesn’t know my kids and probably really doesn’t want to talk to them about puberty or penises or HIV, and may actually be completely ignorant (I swear, when I did the training, there was a male science teacher…SCIENCE TEACHER…old enough to know better, who said he thought you couldn’t get pregnant the first time you had sex. Fucking A.). You’ve gotta be kidding me.

I was pissed. I still am. I do my civic duty every damn day. I don’t need more of it. So I walked the dogs, and I was still pissed. I tried going online to figure out how to postpone it to my vacation, to my break from my school year, to the one month a year when I can do all my doctors’ appointments, do my yardwork, run errands that take more time than 20 minutes…the one month a year I don’t get PAID. Yup. This is how I want to spend that month. The website is faulty. The website lies. I’m going to have to call in between 9 and 4…interesting, since those are my teaching hours…and sit on hold for at least 10 minutes, they say. Well then maybe you should make the website functional so I can do it there. Downtown too. So parking. I’m so annoyed. If I can’t postpone it, June will be a very difficult stressful month. Wait. June is always a difficult stressful month. Fun stuff.

And then we didn’t plan well for cooking this week. Well, there’s meals planned, but they’re all meals I know how to cook and it’s just easier (especially when you’re pissed off) to just do it yourself than to have the presence of mind to explain in detail to someone else what you need them to do. You can push the recipe over toward them (that didn’t work), but I really don’t want to be in charge all the time. I’m in charge all the time every day at school. I would like to come home a couple times a week and not have to deal with cooking. So I guess that’s my rule for next week, eh? Yeah. It is.

Stress. Need to find time to make the phone call (I have 3 other phone calls I need to make that have been on the to-do list for a long time). Need to grade stuff (did none of that last night due to mood from hell). Grades are due in a week. Again. Never-ending.

So eventually, I was able to push most of that shit over to the side, a big pile of festering fucking crap of when am I going to get everything done, so it’s still there, smelling up the place, but art brain is a pushy broad and gets her shit done. Holds her nose when she has to, breathes through her mouth.

I had that drawing of the two figures, which is from 2014, one of the ones from when I was broken, but the image in my head never made it completely onto paper. Which is interesting, because it’s all still in there, the drawing. I pulled it right up. Can’t remember what that thing with the three legs and the pump-like structure is called, but I still have a drawing in my head from more than 3 1/2 years ago…and I taped more paper around the edges. This is Calli probably getting offended because I’m bopping her in the head with the paper…or maybe she’s just giving me a loving look because I walked her.

And I started adding the fireplace behind them that’s been in my head this whole time.

It still needs fire and stones, and I gave him feet…but I still need to draw the third figure in the bottom section. Tonight hopefully. This deadline is before the other one…so let’s see if I can get going on that. Sigh. Trying to put all that angst into this piece instead of letting it sit inside me. Hate this shit. I really look forward to 8 weeks (it’s not even 8 weeks) of not thinking about or worrying about my job, so having something else I have to worry about instead, every single fucking day? I really can’t. Sigh. Like I have a choice. Plus how am I going to take any copyediting jobs over the summer if I can’t be sure I’ll be able to work on it every day? I can’t. That’s what it means.

Meanwhile the boychild is like…whoa! Jury duty! That would be so exciting! Um. Can I transfer it to my unemployed college graduate? Nope. No ma’am. We’ll torture him later. You? Now.