Words Like Violence; Break the Silence*

February 25, 2017

First, here’s a photo that’s kind of what my brain looks like at the moment…


That’s an impressive piece of sidewalk. So the concrete is my brain, and the dark gray cracks and dirt are school and all the crap I have to get done and deal with. Like closing the gradebook yesterday and having about 40 assignments show up after that. Because I can’t tell time? The real questions are (1) how big of a bitch am I? and (2) can I even get all the grading done that was turned in on time anyway? We’ll see. The green though! The green is artmaking. So that’s a good thing.

So I figured out the piece of wool in the bathroom. It wasn’t me. It was Kitten. Or Midnight. Or both of them. Because another piece was left somewhere yesterday. So I think Midnight pulled them out of the bag (one at a time, because I was organizing the other night, so I know the other piece wasn’t out of the bag), because she’s the one who goes in bags and likes plastic…and then Kitten walked the one piece to the bathroom, because that’s her shtick…carrying crap and depositing it in strange places. The bathroom is her place to sleep. The other piece was just left outside the plastic bag. Kitten hadn’t seen it yet. Here’s the blocks I haven’t sewn down yet…


Weird cats. Guess they’re bored when I’m gone. Wish they’d do something like put all my clothes away. Or clean something. Maybe I should leave dusting equipment out or a toilet brush.

I had gaming last night, but I’ve been grinding my teeth all week, plus the right eyelid has started twitching…and I haven’t gotten good sleep all week, so I knew I’d probably fall asleep during the game if I didn’t work at it. So I stitched the whole time. It helped me concentrate. I should just do that. It works for staff meetings too. So there’s the warthog block…


Awww, they’re cute. And here it is with block 1, which still needs a stitch thing in the background, but I need a white pencil, and I can’t find one to save my life. In my house, that is. Kitten? Midnight!


It’s on my list for today.

When I got back from gaming, I made the intelligent decision NOT to sit down on the couch. I went straight to tracing…


Even though it was like 10:30…but I got into the 400s, which means I only have about an hour and a half left…just the necks and heads…hard to believe there are about 130 pieces in there. Oh wait, the last-minute cat and teacup are also part of that.


Yes. I stayed up well past midnight. Why does this shit surprise you? This is how I live. All those stupid ass articles about how not getting enough sleep harms your health obviously don’t understand everything that I need to get done. OR the plus of making art in my life. I WOULD have slept longer today, but some small puppy thing was offended by coyotes and neighbors and I think just daylight and life in general. Dog walks today and tomorrow…seriously. I feel bad for him when I’m this busy, but I can’t fix that shit. I’m doing my best. He needs more entertainers. I need some kid to come by and leave me alone but play with him for about an hour a day.

OK, I have seven thousand things to do this weekend. Seriously. One of them might be to find all the feminist slogan t-shirts I can afford and buy them. OK, that’s not productive. But certainly here’s what’s on the plate for today: pet store for dog food (apparently they like that shit), JoAnns hell for that white pencil (or 10 of them so I can’t lose all of them like I’ve lost the three or so that must be in this house), grading as much as I can, finish tracing the current tiny quilt, probably eat dinner and hang out and watch movies or something (I can grade and/or stitch and/or cut up Wonder Under at the same time). Tomorrow, repeat, but add more school shit and grocery shopping. Pick up my big quilt, which I can’t show you until July. Hmmm. I’ll show you details.

Probably go buy more Motrin. Headaches. Look at art deadlines and make some sort of flow chart, because I’m losing track of all of it. Start taxes. UGH. OK, also need to consider septic pump, new tires, and oil change. If we’re gonna go into the big yuck of life and home and car ownership, let’s just fucking go there. Yeah.

Now I need to add sitting on deck in lovely sun and drawing (I really don’t think I have time for that, but it sounds extraordinarily nice…more likely tomorrow, but it’s supposed to fucking rain again tomorrow). Walk dogs! Walking dogs in sun will work. And I forgot finish filling second greenery trashcan, plus cleaning up the rest of the leaves around the pool. Ha! OK. First morning cup of tea is partially ingested. I can semi-function now. It’s possible that I live by myself for a reason LOL.

*Depeche Mode, Enjoy the Silence

Same As It Ever Was*

February 24, 2017

I honestly don’t envy the poor child who is stuck dealing with my sewing crap when I die. I just found a piece of wool that I’m pretty sure is part of the block-of-the-month quilt I’m currently working on when I have time (yes, rarely, mostly in waiting rooms). It was in my bathroom. On the counter. I have no freakin’ clue how it got there. None.

Now this is the same week when I forgot to eat breakfast twice. My brain and I are obviously NOT on the same page. I don’t even remember all the stuff I’ve forgotten to do.

Someone is gonna have to go through all these started projects and deal with them…figure out what to do with them. I like the process just up until I have to see all the blocks together…and then I’m done. Or I get like 10 out of 12 blocks done…and I quit. This is probably why I don’t make quilts with blocks in them. I would never finish. I’m not sure how I have the motivation to finish the art quilts and not the others. Deadlines? Shows? The other ones are more like just for the handwork and not so much for the display?

Meanwhile, I have to figure out where this wool belongs. I’m not even trying to figure out how it ended up in the bathroom. I’m sure there’s a good reason.

What did I do yesterday? School. Yeah. Continuing on the path of frustration, today we start a huge project. It’ll be OK. They’ll do fine.

I went to visit my mom in the hospital…2nd knee replacement. They run in my family, replaced knees. I’ve been told I will probably need one at some point. Good to know. Mom’s recovering fine. She’s tough. She’s fast-moving…needs good knees for that.

So I didn’t get home until late, then ate, then graded stuff for a while. I finally made it to the couch, where these guys have some sort of weird relationship…


Simba was lying next to me and Midnight jumped up on my lap, then started cleaning him. Somehow that turned into his boisterous cleaning of her ears, with her purring the entire time. It’s a little creepy. He looks guilty, doesn’t he?

I put one more strand into the tree…one more after this and I’ll move onto the rest of it.


Then it was midnight. So no, I didn’t get up and trace stuff. I was exhausted. I think I’ve been woken up every night this week by barking or my brain or my intestines. I’m done with all of it. I just want to sleep. It’s unlikely to happen, but it is what I want.

My math was wrong…calculating weeks until Spring Break. I had an extra week in there. I don’t know how, because I lost next week completely in my brain at one point. I skipped from the 24th to the 6th in my head (weekends don’t count anyway, but there’s a whole ‘nother week in there, so that’s wishful thinking). So as of today, there’s 6 weeks until break. That almost sounds bearable. Plus I have a real live vacation planned. Now the only problem with the recalculation is that it adjusts how much time I have to finish the art on my plate, which makes me feel worse about not tracing last night. Sheesh. Oh well. It’ll get done.

That might need to be my mantra for 2017…it’ll get done.

*Talking Heads, Once in a Lifetime

I Got Your Number on the Wall*

February 23, 2017

I’m unclear on how to start this morning. Maybe it’s the lack of sleep, limited caffeine intake at this point. It’s a beautiful blue-skied day, my pool has almost recovered from all the rain so far (my pool guy says my pool is the biggest challenge he’s ever had…I think that’s a good thing? He hasn’t quit yet…three of them have in the past.), I have lunch already made, the big quilt is at the photographer, the science project for my students is done and just needs to be scheduled (3 choices, 5 periods, so that’s 15 different posts). I almost feel like stuff is under control, except I’m grinding my teeth, grades are due in like a week and a half and I’m nowhere near done, and my bathroom is a mess. Better not to think about that stuff…just tackle it a bit at a time. I tackle the teeth grinding with exercise. I do love to go to the gym and to go out hiking, but it’s hard to find the time. I guess I just have to. That’s true of so much…just have to. Like your taxes. Just gotta do them (unless you’re the President, apparently).

I’m not the President. I think that’s part of the problem.

It was chilly last night. How do I know this? Well there’s an app for that. Plus the heat came on automatically awfully early. And I went outside in it. But even more importantly, I collected evidence from the multiple furry beasts around me…you can’t see the cat to my right in this photo, but she’s there. And Calli is upside down on the couch, head on my lap. Simba came up eventually, but Calli makes him nervous…


Later, with cat on lap and Calli right next to her.


Poor Calli…stuck with me all weekend. She loves my ex, who takes her every weekend, but he is off to Boston to visit the girlchild. So she’s sulking early…


Actually, it’s because I made her sit in the front seat so she wouldn’t sit on my quilt in the back seat, ready for the photographer.

I really need to get some grading done today. It’s stressing me out. I have been trying to get it done in class, since my prep is eaten up by planning, but the kids don’t seem to understand that there are things they have to do each day, so I do a lot of babysitting…literally standing over a kid and saying, “Um. What are you DOING?” It doesn’t seem to help. We’ve planned this project out so there will be research time and project-making time, with regular checks to keep kids on task, but I’m sure by the end of it, all my patience reserves (do I have any of those left?) will be used up on the kids who just goof off. I’m boggled by that. My pool guy asked me what I had done in a previous life to be a 7th grade teacher…like it was a bad karma thing, punishment for a former life. Huh. I guess that’s one way to look at it. The next one should be awesome then. Full-time artist with a big studio, plenty of money, someone to clean the bathroom and help with the groceries. Man. That would be a blessing.

Still making a tree…one or two more strands in the trunk I think…that’s three there.


And then…then I was exhausted and the thought of standing to trace Wonder Under felt like too much, but I did it anyway. Because I needed to. This quilt is important.


I guess they all are, more or less. This is more. It’s hard to look out at exhibits I’m supposed to be working for, the ones where I can’t make it political, where I can’t just do what I want. It’s possible that I won’t be entering those shows, because I can’t draw for that right now. Because every time I look at my phone, there’s some other crazy shit happening that doesn’t make sense, things being taken away that shouldn’t even be a thing that can be removed. Oh yeah, and I’d rather have the NEA than a wall. Do I get a vote on that? Fuck no. Articles about tourism drops, about house sales possibly falling, about people being deported for stupid shit, about anti-vaxxers. If you don’t believe in vaccines, then (1) don’t vaccinate your kid, (2) don’t try to force your lack-of-evidence-based-decision on others, and (3) accept the consequences if your child develops polio. Seriously? You can make that decision, but don’t make it for the rest of us (Mr. Not-My-President). I’m confused about people’s inability to look at evidence and see answers. Blind eyes.

Ah, the frustration. So part of my Spring Break vacation is going to be drawing. A lot of drawing. Because I won’t be able to quilt on the trip…no electricity for a goodly portion of it. Plus really? I’m not hauling light tables or fabric or sewing machines. I will have hand work; I always do. But drawing. Because everything is making my head hurt.

In good news, we found 7 new Earth-sized planets…who’s ready? I feel like we could just start over there and leave the crap here.

*Tommy Tutone, 867-5309

The World’s in Trouble, There’s No Communication*

February 22, 2017

The big quilt is clean and ready for the photographer this afternoon. 168 hours. OK. So the next one will take less time, for sure (it would be hard not to, honestly). I’m crunched for time, so that’s a good thing. It also means I can’t really stop and take a breath…yet…too many deadlines still. I’m juggling as fast as I can.

So I started tracing Wonder Under for the new one last night…but before I could do that, I had to add a cat. You know, like you do.


And then a teacup. Again. Necessary.


Which added 28 pieces. Oh well. So be it. As you can see, when I’m under a time constraint, I still do what the drawing needs.


THEN I started tracing. These pieces are tiny compared to the last piece. I really tried to keep detail to a minimum…


Whatever THAT means.


Anyway, I got about an hour and a half in, maybe 137 pieces? So I’m hoping to be done tracing by the weekend. Of course, there are no more luxurious (ha!) 3-day weekends, so I’ll have to function in sped-up time, like always. Where Sunday afternoons are just for getting my teaching act together and cooking for the week. I get so tired of being the only one in charge of cooking and shopping. Seriously. Could one of you stop by Petco this week and pick up some dog food…I think I’m gonna run out. And the car needs gas. Crap. It needs gas this morning. So I can deliver the quilt this afternoon.

Still working on the tree…one strand of thread. Yes, I know there’s still places to fill in. Be patient.


There’s the quilt ready to sit in my dog-hair-filled car all day.


I’m being harassed by a puppy who wants the ball thrown, but won’t bring it to me.

By the way, I bought this pattern for a uterus doll through Knot Hate Project on Ravelry. Because who can resist a uterus doll with a monster eyeball? I kinda suck at crochet, but this is worth fussing through. Plus the money goes to a good cause, Planned Parenthood. So go get one. And then help me crochet the damn thing.

OK, with that, I have to go to school and make sense of the water and carbon cycles. And photosynthesis. Not for me. For 12 year olds. I got it already.

*Joan Jett, Bad Reputation

A Safe Place for All the Pieces That Scattered*

February 19, 2017

Skipped writing on Saturday again. I got up and worked and worked and worked until it was time to leave. Starting to be a pattern. Friday night, I graded for 4 hours, so I didn’t have much to show anyway. That’s why I got up on Saturday and got the binding on the damn quilt. No excuses. And emailed the photographer and told him I’d be done tomorrow. (I’m not done…but I will be.)

This is what grading on a rainy Friday night looks like (OK, it was pouring and the biggest storm in 20 years was pounding San Diego, and I had flashlights on the coffee table in front of me because power had been going out around town, and the dog kept barking at the wind noises, but you get the main idea.)…


I made it through a pretty big chunk of the science units…still one period to do, hopefully tonight. There’s about 4 other assignments though, so I shouldn’t start celebrating yet. Just the two biggest are almost done. A relief in that…been grinding my teeth over these (and other things). Need to remedy that.

I did the lighter pink in the bottom right corner, some fly stitching that turned into french knots and stars in the cretan stitch until I used up all the thread.


Then I put the binding on…it’s about 384″ of binding and sleeves that will need to be hand sewn down now…


There were moments of sun, enjoyed by kittens everywhere, but especially this one…


AQS has not figured out that I don’t want their mail. I still have friends (and people I barely know) send me photos of their mail back to AQS, telling them no, because of their censorship of me. That’s cute. I like that. I didn’t want to waste a stamp on it (I did look to see if it was postage paid)…


Then I headed out to the living room to do some of the hand stitching on the binding. Kitten helped by holding down the science units I’d already graded.


Honestly, I was really tired and it was late afternoon, not my strong point. I took a short nap. The dogs were up really early.


But I did more of it later that night while watching some movie…


I realized it was sunny and raining, turned around on the couch, and saw this…which my phone camera could not capture in all its beauty…


And then my ex sent a picture of Simba…for all you who think he’s oh so cute, this is what he does at my ex’s house…


Oh yeah. That’s cute. Kinda glad he doesn’t do that here.

Anyway, I have another 3-day weekend, the Other President’s Day…so I have tomorrow off. Lots of grading and hand-stitching in my plans. Plus the quilt needs ink and ironing and de-hairing for when the photographer can take it…and then I need to finish the drawing that I’ve been staring at for days. I keep adding small stuff, but I don’t have a final plan for the whole thing. Getting there though…not as far as I wanted to be this week, but hell, this whole year has been like that. I’m just trying to get through it all without too much insanity. Kinda my mantra this year.

*Indigo Girls, Love Will Come to You

I Hope They Didn’t Get Your Mind*

February 17, 2017

Well OK. So I often have plans to get stuff done and it just doesn’t happen. It seems to be more frequent right now. I seriously did plan to get a lot done last night and all of a sudden, it was midnight. It started with staying a little later after school, trying to get a bunch of stuff done. We have girls applying to a science camp, and we have to manage applications, plus we’re trying to finish designing this huge engineering and design project. I like it to be as clean as possible before the kids get in there and show us all the stuff we did wrong or didn’t scaffold enough, so I keep trying to think through what they’ll need or how they’ll misunderstand shit. But my brain is fuzz at the moment.

You wanna know how much fuzz? These were yesterday’s socks. That was not on purpose.


At least they’re related.

I came home and thought I might work for a while (last period of the assignment from hell, only because no one followed instructions) and then put the binding on, but I’ve been grinding my teeth for days, and that’s stress. And for stress, my best cure is exercise. So I did that instead. It was a good choice; I know that, but it would have been smart to have had dinner already in the fridge, because then I came home and cooked. By the time I finished eating, it was 9:30. Not so good. I sat down to do the two stitches, one from the day before and one for yesterday…I got halfway through and my SIL called. And then the boychild texted me because his voicemail wasn’t set up, so then I was on chat with AT&T, getting that set up. Came back and finished the stitching…well, with help from the ear cleaner on the left, who stole my spool of thread at some point…and the other one, who wanted to sit on my lap.


Let’s see…I did the light stitching around the blue french knot flowers above Prosper, and there was a little thread left, so I filled in the p. Then I did the buttonhole stitches with French knots above Live, and with the extra thread, I did lazy daisies in the herringbone stitch above it.


Still filling in. Then it was midnight. Seriously. WTF? I needed more than that. I went to bed, because dammit, I was tired…and then 3:30 AM, puppy starts barking. After 30 minutes of it on and off, and then realizing I could hear whatever it was, AND Kitten was guarding that weird door I have to the entry area, I opened the front door to this guy.


You sir are why we can’t sleep at night. Calli and I know you are a wild animal and not a threat, although I am still unclear on the fascination your family has with my roof (seriously, this is the baby…I didn’t see Momma), so we can mostly sleep through your shenanigans. Simba, though, has a tiny little brain and thinks you are aliens attacking and will bark frantically until you are quiet. Some of us have to work in the morning, dontcha know? Ugh. This morning.

He is cute though. She? Hard to say. I have no training in sexing raccoons.

So nothing. No drawing, no binding, fuck the world. Seriously. Tonight needs to be better. It’s a good thing I haven’t emailed the photographer yet. Because Not Done. So Completely Not Done.

OK. Today is a new day. And it’s a Friday. It could be good. Eventually. First I have to deal with 130 squirrels high on candy while I have limited sleep reserves due to a raccoon. Yeah. My life.

*Milky Chance, Stolen Dance

Hold Me, Wrap Me Up*

February 14, 2017

First of all, Happy V Day. I’m not really a fan of how this day fucks with many people’s heads, but I still think it’s important to spread the love. Lots of hugs today…we need them.


And if you don’t, then just pass it on to someone who does.

I had three dogs for a few days there…mostly the two smaller ones played with each other while the other one stared at me as if I should stop it.


I did not. But Katie is back with my parents now.

So this weekend. Damn. I know I did some stuff. I cooked a lot of things and froze bunches of it for later weeks, packed some other stuff up to eat this week. I know I talked to my daughter twice and my SIL once…well twice, if you count multiple conversations in a day. I know I graded stuff too, but honestly, not too much, because mostly it hurt my brain and took way too much time. And there were other things I wanted and needed to get done. At some point, I just accepted that sometimes talking to real humans is more important than grading shit.

So I had figured out this drawing in my head and I started it at some point on Sunday, before going back to grading…but I fucked up the fingers.


Facing the wrong way…palms of hands up means fingernails behind, not in front. Liquid paper to the rescue.

I penciled in where one of the heads was supposed to go. Yes, I said one.


Yeah. That was a good start. Then I worked on quilting for a while…


That was something I wanted to finish this weekend, but I did not. Because. Shit happens, right? I did get the binding fabric, so I have that available for when I do finish, hopefully tonight, but honestly, probably tomorrow. But I still need to go up one side from the shoulder, over the head and the cloud, and around. Not a small amount, but again, not a huge amount. Close to done.

I wanted to hike the dogs yesterday, but our path is still underwater…


It’s easier to get around it now, though, after two weeks of mostly drying out (we keep getting more rain…two inches predicted for Friday…in California, we don’t ever just the right amount of rain…it’s either not enough or way too much.).

Now that view looks nice, doesn’t it? All green and lush? (well, for California) We got about a 1/2 mile out and I saw three coyotes on both sides of the trail.


Now if it were just me, I’d be OK with that. But Calli is older and Simba is a tasty treat. So I guess we’re not hiking here for a while…until the water disappears so it’s not an easy source for them, or until I get a bigger group of people (hello, children) to go with me. I don’t think they’d come after me with two dogs, but there’s no one else out here most days, so I’m not willing to take the risk.


It sucks, though…the other options are full of other people. Ugh. I like to hike without a million bikes and kids and dogs.

The dogs wanted a longer walk…hell, so did I…


Oh well.

So then I came home and drew this for school.


We couldn’t find exactly what we wanted, so I drew it. I might need to redraw it, but that’s easier the second time around anyway. We’ll see. I still need to do a word bank for it.

I sat and sewed for a bit, making up for Sunday and Monday. And realized at some point that I had both Midnight and Simba were curled up next to me.


I did the bright pink flowers and their centers in Long.


They still need leaves.

Then I went back to the drawing, because it was yelling louder than the quilt…


It’s borrowing ideas from two other quilts (maybe more) at this point, but it’s going where I want/need it to go. It’s not done though. As I went to bed, another idea popped into my head for filling arms/legs. So I wrote it down…maybe tonight. ALL the things are maybe tonight.

Midnight eventually moved behind me on the couch.


A closeup of the faces…because that. Yeah.


You can’t make me. It’s funny…I drew the center face and thought it turned out really well, and then realized I was going to censor her in some way (muzzle, gag, whatever). But I’d already done this perfect face. So duct tape it. And what’s behind still shows, because I want you to see what you’re covering up, what you’re trying to shut up.

So in reality, I didn’t get anywhere near enough done this weekend…which sucks. But it’s not like I did nothing. It’s progress, stuff that needs to get done. I’ll get there. Slowly, apparently, but I will get there.

*Sia, Breathe Me