Beyond the Concrete

I’m a little stressed at the moment. Too much work, too many deadlines, too many things on the to-do list, money issues. I wish last night I’d had time to make art…that’s two nights in a row. And I didn’t post yesterday because I was working in the morning, trying desperately to get something done because with about another 7 or 8 hours, I can get paid a chunk of money. And maybe that chunk will make me feel less like hyperventilating when the next bill comes in. Or not.

I did get both the art entries in that I wanted to. Also got rejected from another one, but whatever. That shit happens. Wasn’t really expecting to get in I guess. Now I have a chunk of time (I think) before the next entries are due. And some decisions to make.

I do have photos of the newest piece back from the photographer though, hallelujah. And in the middle of the night, a name that made sense finally came to me. Here is Beyond the Concrete…

Nida027 copy (2)

She’s essentially 60″ square (an inch or two smaller than that in each direction). There’s a pissed-off Mother Nature going after some version of civilization. This is the image my photographer put on my CD…I love this.

Another blue hair…I love the connotations behind that…

And those crazy-ass electrical transmission towers. What the fuck was I thinking?

I’m pleased with it. Probably means it won’t get in anywhere. But at the moment, anything that doesn’t have a show to take it away will probably be in my two-person show at Grossmont College in January/February. So there’s a pro to rejection, right?

Otherwise, my brain is still doing that slow roll, trying to get its feet underneath it on solid ground. I found the cats…the pile of drawings and Wonder Under ready to iron. I know some of my stress is because I’m not doing something at night that’s relaxing…I’m basically working until midnight every night, and that’s not healthy. I keep telling myself “If you just get through THIS week, everything will get easier.” I’m not sure when that stops. I should be glad of the extra work, because it brings extra money, and then maybe, just maybe, I can slip through the college payments this year. Next year? Next year I’m completely fucked. I have nothing saved. I will do my best to save some, but even making the boychild’s payments this year is a stretch. Adding the girlchild’s payments, which are much higher, to that? I don’t know what I’m going to do. Panic and run around!

Anyway. No point in worrying about that today. Today is the last day of my zombie unit…the apocalypse started yesterday and I think the kids are enjoying it. Interesting to see who is trying to cheat. And how. Then we start a new unit tomorrow, mostly with stuff I know how to do. Ironically, this will probably be the last year I teach DNA and cells, as the new standards slot it into 6th grade. Oh well. So be it. Change is inevitable. I really do feel like I can’t depend on much of anything at the moment. Maybe I should draw that.

I did go through the last two sketchbooks a bit and grabbed two drawings that might work. But I’m not sure. It’s OK. I have some time to decide, because I’m finishing the little ones first. Sometime around the end of October, I’ll have to switch gears. By then, there will be fewer 95-degree days, the blue skies of fall will be apparent, and I might need a sweater at work. My favorite season, honestly. Going into but not yet the holidays, with all the stress that brings. School is kinda settled down, but not hell yet. I might have a handle on the house and the dog, who is still trying to escape through metal on metal. Dumb beast. I’d take her to work if I could. The kids would love it…except the allergic ones.

OK. I know today will be stressful because the kids are handing in a big assignment and they will not be prepared. And I will find that irritating and frustrating, because I’ve gone over it so many times. So maybe I should meditate at lunch. Possibly.

Come home. Grade some stuff. Edit some stuff. Make some art. Cry a little if it makes sense. Or even if it doesn’t, because that’s how the hormones roll.

Double Wallop of Wallow

You would laugh at me if you knew why I stayed up so late last night. It was a lame reason. Really. It was. Whatever. My brain was still (is!) in that weird place after finishing a major project. And since I never let it wallow after the 17-foot woman, it’s like a double wallop of wallow. Although, did I really allow the wallow? Well, fuck no. I worked my butt off yesterday…bunch of stuff for school, some writing, answered some email, did some other crap…graded papers (more of them? Always.).

And then came in here and quilted. No really. I did.

I’ve had this small commission quilt on my books since late June, so it’s really lame that I haven’t finished it before, but she did tell me they didn’t have a place to move into until I think it’s next week. So I put it off. Silly really. It’s so small, it took no time. But the other part was in my head, because she didn’t want a binding…she wants to wrap it around a canvas. So it’s a different kind of construction. She only wanted batting on the front, and I kept visualizing ways to do that in my head, and in the end, I think there was probably a better way, but I did it and it looks good.

I started by cutting batting the finished size and putting it on the back of the top, right where it should be. I should admit to using one of those crease marker things to mark the 8×10 on the front of this…

Only because I couldn’t find a marking pencil in here to save my life. Seriously. I know I have at least 5. Where the fuck are they? Probably in with the hand embroidery stuff…

Then I pinbasted the thing together…

Midnight moved slightly away from the machine…she’s afraid I’ll sew her tail into a quilt (could happen)…

And I quilted it. Which took less than an hour. Because this thing is tiny.

The thread broke a few times. Suspect I should pull that needle out. It just did 21 hours plus of quilting, plus all the binding afterwards. You can’t really see, but the piece really barely has a background…just above and below the hand on the left. I did quilt that.

The hands turned out nice. This is from the Mammogram quilt, the one that will be at Visions in a couple weeks. She wanted just the breast, so I moved one hand over to make it fit the space a little better. This is the drawing’s original size, so a bit on the tiny-little-pieces side. So I think it’s done. I might finish the edges or I might not, depending on what she tells me. That was easy.

Now I need to find the cats…a pile of Wonder Under and drawings somewhere in the house, I’m sure. And I need to look at the sketchbook. In the end, I ran out of time on that last night. I say all this and I know I’m getting a copyediting job tonight, so really, I should work my butt off on that, so I don’t have to do it all this weekend in big 6-hour chunks right before grades are due. Oh yeah. Because grades are due next Tuesday.

Did I clean? Do I hear you asking that? No. I did not. I did pack up the boychild’s jacket that he couldn’t fit in his luggage (plus some food, cuz I’m his mom) so I can ship that. In fact, I might put a label on that this morning. I have time. I washed some stuff. I tried to come up with a title for the big quilt. I’m up to four possible titles. I tentatively picked one, but I’m just not sure. I’m sure a relaxing, non-stressful day at school will help me decide. I have been a very good girl and have not gone off on someone via email about a really snarly bit that happened on Friday. I put it to the back of my head and made it stay there in timeout all weekend. It’s still muttering and festering and really pissed off, though, so apparently I just need to let it go at some point.

But probably it’s a better use of my time to look at my sketchbook and figure out what’s next up on the big quilt table.

Falling into a Mushpile of Eh…

So yeah. Friday night I sewed bindings…it looked a lot like this…

You can’t see the cats vying for positions on either side of me, but they were there.

Then Saturday I got up and sewed bindings on some more. And then I inked the quilt. Because I like that detail…

It took less than an hour. I was done around 2 PM on Saturday, which was good, because I had somewhere to be at 4-ish.

Then this morning, I ironed her flat and dehaired her and delivered her to my photographer. I get photos tomorrow. Which means I need a name by tomorrow. I have two possibilities, but I don’t know if I like either one. I’m waiting for inspiration to slap me upside the head. Better hurry up or it will have one of these crazy literary titles.

She’s about 60″ square. I didn’t actually measure her before I took her to the photographer. I should do that. I will have to write a statement too, which will be much easier. I know what she’s about. I just can’t be succint in a title about it. Earth Mother Kicks Concrete’s Ass. Yeah. I finished her a day, maybe two early. I had the photographer booked for today or tomorrow. Just in case. And I finished yesterday. There’s something crazy to be said about that.

Anyway, the funniest bit is my brain right now. It’s falling into a mushpile of eh. I have a copyediting job starting tomorrow. I have 2 half-written stories and 2 others that should be done this week. Both will bring in money. I have about 8 or 9 small quilts in the works. I have a commission that I will be finishing tonight. Finally. Kick me in the ass for not doing that earlier. And I have mental plans for two more larger quilts (not huge like this one…just wait until you hear the stats), but I can’t get my brain around those At All at the moment. I just want to flail artistically for a while. Or draw. Or hike (it’s too freakin’ hot still). I don’t want to grade papers, but I’m buried in that right now. Grades are due next week. I’m seriously behind. Always. I’m always behind. What’s new?

I need to clean and do yardwork. I can’t get my head around any of it. I want to make like 4 kinds of cookie bars and send them to my kids at college. I don’t NEED to do that (or DO I?). I want to behave like a normal human being for some period of time and not be so buried. I keep using that word, because that’s how I feel. Under a mound of dirty laundry and papers to be graded (ironic because half the assignments are online, not on paper) and to-do lists.

Maybe I should just draw tonight. No. I have to grade. I have to finish this little quilt. If I finish all that, I really should spend some time cleaning up my studio so I can do the next batch of stuff. It’s a crazy disaster in here. Worse than ever. I didn’t clean up at all this summer in here. I just put my head down and tried to get everything done.

And I did. I got done the quilts I said I would get done (except for the little ones).

So if you haven’t done your holiday shopping yet, just remember that I might have some small cat quilts, maybe one dog? There’s an owl. And a heart in hands. And one crazy-ass thing that will probably never sell. But I don’t think it has nudity in it. I don’t actually know where all those pieces are. I got the Wonder Under traced and cut out, so fabric-choosing is next…one of my favorite creative parts of the quiltmaking process. So that would be good. Kick ass on copyediting this week, but try to do an hour of art each night even so. Find the damn boxes, wherever they are, with the Wonder Under pieces in them.

So yeah, the big quilt. Got three titles now. Shit. Don’t like any of them. So I’m listening to music and hoping something pops into my head. But it took 163 hours and 20 minutes to complete. No really. I’m not kidding you. Last year’s big quilt was 144 hours. Earth Stories was longer at 168 hours. So yeah. I started the drawing back in April but then didn’t touch it again until July 11…so the majority of it was done since then. I did keep track of the drawing time on this one, at least once I’d done the smaller figure in a smaller size. Then I enlarged her and drew the rest to size. It took 9 hours just to do that. Sometimes I don’t realize how long it takes to draw something that big. A lot of that time is thinking/staring time, but it’s still what it took to draw it…and it doesn’t even take into account the time in my head when I’m driving around or at the gym and my brain is trying to mess with it up there.

I don’t usually keep track of my drawing time. Maybe I should try.

I will probably look at my sketchbook tonight…just to figure out what I feel like doing next. There’s one quilt poking at me, but I’m not sure it’s the best choice. We’ll see. Eh.

My Neighbor Burping.

That’s all I can hear this morning. Which is better than the other neighbor, who is constantly hurking up a lung. Haven’t heard him in a while. Maybe he stopped smoking. He’s not dead, because I saw him the other day. But the burping…and you have to understand, I don’t have neighbors real close to me…it’s over a half-acre lot. But burping carries. There he goes again. Thank you sir. I feel better now.

Still having problems getting this quilt done…which is funny, because I’ve had the time…I just keep grading stuff first and it takes forever. I set a goal like “I will grade all of this one assignment” and then my SIL calls and we argue about public school teachers and stuff and then the kids are going back and forth about when girlchild will leave for Ithaca to visit for Thanksgiving and that’s all by text and then the boychild is texting me quotes from Greek poetry before he goes to bed.

And then I’m braindead. Why? I worked hard yesterday. I stretched their brains. I demanded critical thinking. I didn’t do a lot of hand-holding. I WILL make them think and think harder than they have ever thought before. I even made one boy cry (it’s OK, he came back and hugged me later and even apologized for arguing with me). It was hard for me too. It’s easier to just give them an answer, honestly. That’s why a lot of teachers just do that. Go research something and find the right answer. Not Make a claim and then do some testing and some creative thinking about the possible outcomes and then write about it clearly. Without my helping you much because you do know what you are doing and I have faith in you. I know you can do it.

Anyway. Today we move on to the next step…and we were just as vague about this one, but some kids will prefer this because it’s visual rather than writing. And I’m just going to be glad to be almost done with pulling teeth and fingernails, and to be moving on to the next unit. Although I will still make them think, but not until the very end will it be this hard. And I’ve done that one before, so I know how it feels.

The dog is escaping from my yard…my daughter’s dog. She chewed through a rather thick bit of metal fencing my ex put up to stop her digging under the fence. She runs to his house and there is no one there. He must play with her all the time. I’m the boring grandparent apparently. Hopefully we can come up with another solution…or maybe she just needs to stay with him full time. Even though he’s never home. Golden Retriever brains aren’t very logical.

So binding. I didn’t start until 11. Which was lame. I’m not even sure why. I was zoning out.

And then I went to bed early. I’ve only gotten down one side. And I have something to do tonight, so I guess tomorrow morning I will get up and sew around the other three sides and two sleeves, because I already emailed the photographer. It’ll be fine. And I need to ink it too. Am I crazy? Possibly. Always. I was working all that time or managing stuff anyway. Paying bills. Booking flights. Organizing shit. Staring off into space maybe. Can’t remember. It’s all a blur.

I want to go to the Earth Stories opening in San Jose, but it’s on a Sunday afternoon. Ugh. And I teach the next day. And the flights are a mess. Nothing is nonstop. Everything takes forever. I guess I’m not going. Saturday, I might have tried to do it, but it’s going to eat the whole weekend AND I’ll have to come back super late on a Sunday because there’s nothing nonstop. Whatever. Someone will have to go to that opening for me and take pictures.

I’m feeling particularly overwhelmed and subsequently nonfunctional at the moment. Too much grading, too many responsibilities, too much I need to get done, too much mess, not enough money! (always), and don’t I get paid next week? That’s probably a good thing. Then I get to book two flights for the kids and there’s the next scary Visa bill.

Kitten doesn’t care. She does care about all the lizards that keep climbing our windows at night…kind of amusing to watch honestly.

There’s a lot of tail-twitching and meow-y chirpy sounds. And she’d like it if I’d pet her more. I heard a nasty cat yowl last night and then I couldn’t find her (because she was hiding somewhere). The yowl was outside, but she got out that one time, so now I’m paranoid. Anyway, she finally showed up and was quite happy to get extra attention because I was so relieved, so now she will probably yowl in corners of the house and then hide until I run panicked into the room, then stroll out ready for extra love.

OK. It’s only one day of school before the weekend. And glorious sleeping in. And finally finishing this quilt. I can do one day. Right? I can?

The One Right Answer

Planning life out just doesn’t work. It was on the calendar to walk the dog or go to the gym, but by the time the plumber was done with the garbage disposal (now I can grind up my hand, no problem), I was too exhausted to move. If I sit down at all, for more than 20 minutes and a cup of tea and a snack, I’m a goner. I won’t leave the house. Part of the problem is work is hard right now…I’m trying to get kids to problem solve, to think critically. I tell them they can’t google the answers for what I’m asking them, so what do they do? Google the damn things. Then say “I don’t get it!” because they can’t get an answer. Engage the brain, my pretties. Today I’m ramping it up even higher. The kids who do well are the creative thinkers, those who can think outside the box. We train students with state testing to look for The One Right Answer. Ironic. Isn’t that how we try to live all our lives? The One Right Person. The One Right Answer. No such thing. And even the support teacher wants me to give her “The Master” so she can check the resource kids’ answers. There is no One Right Answer. I will accept any claim as long as the student supports it with evidence and reasoning. I’m looking forward to some of the answers…there are some bright kids in there, and they’re not always the ones with A’s. The ones who turn in all their homework. But I don’t know if I can get those kids to Write It Down. They hate that part.

So yesterday I had to push them out of their boxes. I’m watching them google “How do I know if I have cells?” and I’m cracking up. Then they’re looking up the traits of zombies, which might help them today, but was totally useless yesterday. I didn’t ask you to prove he was a zombie. I asked you to determine if he had the characteristics of a living thing. Today I push them further out. Then tomorrow I give them an assignment with no example, no Please Ms. Nida Can I See the Sample So I Can Just Copy It? I feel like an evil doctor, chortling in the corner. In some of the slower classes, there’s a chorus of “I don’t get it!” (don’t get WHAT, I ask…the answer, they want to say but know I won’t respond well to that. Use your brain. It’s not in the book.) and “I need help!” (use your table brains, use google, use YOUR brain. This is a code phrase for “Give me the answer.”). Hard work for me to supervise this, to push the kids who don’t want to, who want it to be easy. I can’t just assign it and sit down and grade. That’s not how my job rolls.

So yesterday, I graded stuff online. And then the girlchild Facetimed me for a couple of hours on the Hardy-Weinberg equation…which is why there’s stuff like this all over the couch this morning…

My brain hurts. But it was nice to see her and 17 of her closest friends. I was joined by all three animals…cats sitting on opposite sides at all times…

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They just can’t be friendly. By the end of the evening, Midnight had knocked all the books on the floor. She kept the Kleenex. No one knows why she does what she does.

I did finally get to pin and start sewing binding. By then, I had watched the Dr. Who episode with Van Gogh, which made me cry. There was no explanation of why he still killed himself, although I can guess. But a tearjerker…for the hormonally challenged.

Miles and miles to go…miles and miles to go…

Could Be Something Else…

I love that WordPress is still trying to persuade me to use their improved posting experience and I just ignore it. I tried it once but couldn’t find everything easily. I realize at some point, they’ll just get rid of my lame posting experience here, and I’ll have to experience improved on a daily basis…kind of how life works, right? You have choices until you don’t, until someone decides that you don’t know how good it’ll be until they force it on you. Wait. That’s not a good thing. Anyway, I’ve been using this particular interface or some very similar version for so many years that this is easiest right now. I guess I’m old. Except if I can find an easier way, then I appreciate that. I appreciate the positive changes Google Classroom has made for teachers to use their system. Now I need the Google Docs/Drive people to come along for the ride. It must be hard to go to a party and admit you work for Google. I’d corner them and make my demands. No food or drink until you give me a way to delete footers from a doc!

It’s OK. I’m not invited to parties anyway. And that might be why! Actually I went to one and met someone who was a teacher and now worked for WordPress. We had a long conversation, but he was the instigator…called me an early adopter (been blogging since 2004…can you believe it?). Holy crap. Eleven years. I must have had a lot to say.

I’m feeling ever greater relief about this project…I got it trimmed last night…

which was a bit stressful, because there is a size limit and I pushed it. But it worked out. I really need to clean out the entryway so I have room to trim the giant-ass quilts. It’s actually just short of 60″ square…so not huge but not small. I tried not to spend time quilting parts that would be cut off, so I actually ended up having to do a little bit of quilting on one side and corner after trimming it…which is still quicker than quilting a shitload of stuff that then got the axe.

It was late by then, but putting binding on is pretty mindless…so I just did it.

I actually had a hard time finding a gray that worked with the grays already in the quilt. They were too blue or too brown or too light. That’s when the clerk told me they had more grays than they’d ever had. I didn’t believe her. I have a ton of grays in my stash that would have worked, but I needed at least 3/4 of a yard, and I don’t usually buy anything but 1/2 yards for my stash. So I had to buy something. I think it works. I’ll know for sure when I get it all stitched down…

Starting tonight. I sew pretty fast. But I still have lots of grading to do too. Everything’s a balance. Always. And my brain really wants to consider options for the next big quilt instead of thinking about all the other things I need to do…like clean the house. I don’t blame it. Cleaning house isn’t fun. Making art is. I’m still going to do art every day, although next week might be a bit iffy. I’ll just keep it light. Finish the boob! It has top priority. I might even do that tonight, while the machine’s set up for quilting anyway.

I’ve only made three big art quilts this year…this will be the fourth. I’m not counting the 17-foot woman because I don’t know what other show she’ll ever be in. I have three small art quilts, but they all have nudity in them, so the shows where I could put small work wouldn’t take them. I like to finish six biggish quilts a year. Don’t think that’s happening this year. I guess I’m aiming for five. I just have to decide what number 5 is…could be another bathtub…could be something else.

This Brain…

This is what teaching looks like now. I check my email on my phone. All my accounts go to one place. I see an email from a student, asking me to review something he’s written, an assignment, to make sure it’s specific enough (I say “Be Specific” so much, I can’t even tell you. I’m thrilled that one of them heard me.). I open it in Google Docs, read it on my phone, see that it’s awesome, and email him back about that. Done. Now yes, I did that on my personal time. But I didn’t have to. Another kid opened a Google Hangout with me (somewhat disturbing) for a similar question. I hung out and answered him. Do I get paid for that time? No. Do I do it anyway? Yes. Could I have done it on my prep? Well, normally, I wouldn’t be as booked on my prep period as I have been, but it’s been a mess lately. If I were busy, I wouldn’t do either of those things, but it was OK. I made that choice. Then later at night, I see a kid repeatedly asking for access to another student’s document, presumably because he doesn’t know how to do the assignment? And then his sister asks for access. I send an email telling him how to access his own document. Yeah, sure, the other kid could have given him permission as well, but I suspect I’ll be able to tell when I see it.

This is teaching in the age of the internet. Saturday night I graded analysis questions on my iPad. I suspect I will need a new one (just a mini…I don’t want a big one really) soon, because there is a storage problem and it’s getting slower with the new updates. It’s not a new mini. I use it all the time for work though. My phone as well. School gave us a tablet to use, but it doesn’t work well. I don’t like using it. I haven’t used it at all this year. Sad really.

So yeah, I spent some time on school stuff this weekend, but I also quilted. For hours. Really. Yesterday was over 5 hours. I think my butt grew roots into the chair. The plus is that I am so much closer to done, so that’s a relief.

Saturday morning, when I realized I was still in the outlining, I kind of panicked. I don’t have a lot going on at night this week, but I also know the binding will take a while. So before I even left the house to run errands, I finished the outlining. It only took about 30 minutes. Then I went and delivered a quilt, a box to UPS for the girlchild (need to do one for the boy next), stopped by Trader Joes for stuff (hate that parking lot…would go there a million times more if that parking lot was better designed), and to the quilt store for binding fabric.

I had this discussion with the staff about a gray shortage, and they said they had more grays now than they ever had. Say what? They were all light gray or conversation/holiday grays. Not a lot of standard middle range gray that could be used for binding. I checked the whole damn store twice (Rosies has a ton of fabric). Almost considered going to another store, but I found one that would work. They didn’t ask to see my quilt this time. Guess they’ve learned their lesson. Not sure I would have shown this one. It’s not that it’s weird…OK, maybe it is. I don’t know…it’s one thing to show your art to people who are expecting art. In a quilt store, that’s not always the case.

Sunday, I did a lot of sewing obviously. I started quilting in the background Saturday afternoon, and then that’s all I did yesterday. Fought it. The quilting in the middle means half the quilt is shoved under the arm…this is a 60″ square quilt. Sure I’ve done bigger and wrestled more, but this was work…because it was 105 degrees here yesterday. I didn’t know that until afterwards. But yes, I had that quilt on my lap and the damn hot lights were on and I quilted with no A/C in that heat. Ugh.

The result is that last night, when I finally quit, I had about 20 hours of quilting in (whoops…that’s how long I thought it would take total) and I’ve gotten around more than 3/4 of the quilt. I need to go back and do more on the one side, but I will figure that out tonight. Really, I hope to be done quilting tonight. Maybe I’ll even trim it…but I suspect that will be Tuesday. Then bind it. And probably ink it. All before it has to be delivered to the photographer on Sunday or Monday. Damn. Sometimes I even amaze myself. Now I barely talked to anyone for two days. I blew off two art openings and another event. I only talked to a few people in that time frame. I woke up this morning with no clue as to what day it was. But otherwise? I did do what I needed to do.

Of course, my brain is already trying to plan the next big quilt, trying to decide what to do next, looking at deadlines and thinking way too hard. There are two shows I want to enter. I’d like to make new work for both of them. That might be crazy.

This brain…it wants to make all the time. I guess I should be glad of that…

One Post-It-Note List at a Time

You know when it’s time to go to sleep? When your eyelids are drooping while you sew. It’s certainly time to stop sewing, that’s for sure. Three hours! I got three hours in, plus grading and getting a quilt ready for a show and packing a box for the girlchild and cooking dinner. Not bad. I need to quilt like crazy today though. I really wanted to finish the outlining last night, and I got close, but no cigar.

Meanwhile, I’m trying to do the math to pay for the next month of college bills. There’s money coming from multiple places, both parents, the kids have multiple accounts. It makes my head spin. And every month about now, I add up what I still owe and my heart stops in my chest and I take a deep breath and freak out for the next 24 hours. Which is now. Because I just can’t see how I’m going to pull it off and that’s frightening. Terrifying. Stomach dropping fuck me I can’t even do this. I do the math on the calculator and it just stares at me and I shake my head at it and go, no. I can’t.

So I have to figure that out. And not cry while I’m doing that. This month is taken care of. Next month is a month away. Next month I won’t have a hellish credit card bill…except I need to fly the kids back for Winter Break and I haven’t booked those yet.

I have 17 places I need to be today, and some of them are optional and I can’t do it. I just can’t. I’m buried and I can tell it’s having a stress effect on me because the eyelid is twitching. So I’m dropping anything that’s not necessary. I’m making a list on a post-it (sometimes it just has to be a physical piece of paper that I can see) and then I’m throwing out this lame pen that doesn’t work that I’ve had for 10+ years and getting a better one, and then I’m going to deal with the things on that list only. If you’re expecting me somewhere to do something, please just realize that I can’t handle it today. Or probably any time in the next week. Love you. See you in a bit.

It’s a good thing my parents already canceled Sunday dinner, because I would have had to.

I did finish both arms and the entire torso and the bird and got up into the face. There’s just a lot of tiny details on this thing and so then I have to go slow.

Which takes forever…you know, cuz it’s slow. And I’m usually kinda tired and afraid I’m going to sew through my finger.

And then my sewing machine doesn’t even warn me that the bobbin is running out. It’s supposed to, but half the time it’s like…fuck! I forgot to tell you! Sorry! I have a machine that can’t multi-task. It’s so busy sewing, it can’t do all the other jobs it’s supposed to do.

Fucker. Because then I can’t plan for where to end, and it’ll be some teensy weensy spot where restarting is a pain in my ass, and I’ll have to do it because Machine Sucked. Damn bird is done. It’s not upside down in real life.

So I still have the head and the hair, and then miles of background quilting, but I need to run errands first. So I’m going to do that. Yup. Shower and food maybe too. Mornings aren’t good for me. I mean, I guess I was sewing until really late, so that should count for something, but it just feels like I can’t get my act together. Sigh. I wrote the list out, though, and it looks doable. Like I think I can handle it. Plus about 5 hours of quilting? Maybe? We’ll see.

Meditative breathing. Taking on the world, one post-it-note list at a time.

Not Far Enough…

This is my life right now. I got at least 6 major things handled yesterday. So far this morning, not really awake, I’ve handled one (it took 20 minutes. I fed the dog while I was dealing on the phone. Multitasking.). There were four things on my calendar yesterday that I re-calendared for today while I was sitting in a meeting at school. In fact, one just popped up, so I’m going to do that real quick…because it’s another thing I need for school. OK. Done. Trying to be efficient as well. But the quilting is suffering. I was really tired last night. I was so tired, I went to bed early, before midnight. Did it help? Fuck no. I’m still tired this morning. And really, I need to NOT spend all morning sleeping tomorrow, because I’m nowhere near as far in my quilting as I wanted to be by now. Dammit.

I hit 9 hours in last night, but only got about an hour and a half done total. I wanted at least two, closer to three. Not near enough. Will have to make up for that tonight.

Last night was lots of tiny fussy bits, which means all I really got done with the pubic area, the torso between there and the very bottom of the breasts, and part of the hand. Oh. And the lioness.

You can see the tiny stuff in the grass on her breast…I guess I made it onto the breasts…so slightly further up…but neither arm is done. One is barely started.

There’s a ton of outlining left and a significant chunk of background quilting. This is the view of what’s coming out the back of the machine…the part Midnight really wishes I would leave out so she could sleep on it and deposit large amounts of black fur.

Not happening, you little psycho. Plus you’re the queen of vomit, and I don’t need that right now.

Anyway. Sigh. So a lot of quilting is left. And I’m buried in grading of assignments. Progress reports are coming. And I had to plan/rewrite the zombie lesson in the last two days (but it’s done!). Plus I had a ton of meetings this week. I’m sure if I’d blown them all off, I’d be further along in the quilting, but all that alone time would be fucking with my head (like it will next week). When do I think I can finish all the quilting? I was hoping Sunday. I’m not sure that’s realistic…I’ll know better after tonight. If I rock it tonight, that will help. But I have stuff I have to do tonight as well…stuff I’ve put off all week. Plus a couple of things tomorrow.

This is reality. I set goals. I want to be able to do more than I can. I’m really tired of cooking for myself. I’m tired of having to cook at all. I can’t afford to eat out all the time though. I need something I can just grab quickly in between working, heat it up, and eat it. Yes I know that sounds like frozen dinners. I hate those. So I could make my own (takes time). I get tired of eating the same thing too though. I am going to figure this shit out. And everyone asks how it feels to have the kids gone. It’s shitty. Silly question. At the end of sewing for a long time, I stand up, I stretch. My brain says, “Who can I talk to?” The dog groans and rolls over. A cat meows. There you are. Furry things. A friend told me it took 6 months for her to get used to being alone, and now she doesn’t want to give it up. The kids are back in less than 6 months. I guess that’s a good thing? But I feel so disconnected from them. I know that’s normal too. Girlchild still answers texts. The boy? More sporadically. Nothing new there.

Whatever. Transitioning again. Maybe I’ll make dessert for dinner tonight. That’s real mature.

Overworked and Underpaid…

So the best-laid plans, right? I’m at 7 hours and 38 minutes into probably 20 hours of quilting. I have all of one figure done and I’m up to the pubic hair of the next one. She’s got some major detail above that, so it’s not a short amount of time left just in outlining her, and then I’m going to have to decide how to handle the background…which will probably take a significant chunk of time…the stitching part, not the contemplating part.

The legs in a bunch…

So I was at school trying to figure next week out. When you decide to rewrite lessons, it requires more work. More work equals more time. More time? Well I have to dig deep to find that (dig deep was my classroom motto yesterday. I made them read science content. I know. I’m mean. Horrible.). We’re trying to tie up the zombie unit and there are too many choices. And some of them I just don’t like. One thing we (OK, my co-teacher) actually paid for has typos and bad grammar and a concept that is just a little confusing, but it’s a PDF file and I don’t have a really good converter (aka I use the free stuff online), but I couldn’t let it be. I never can. I can never shortcut it, even when it’s in my best interest. So instead of starting to quilt before book club, I wrangled with this PDF file from hell and made up the stuff for next week, but I think I need a homework assignment as well. We’re meeting today to pull it all together…but I did spend a good 2 hours last night. And then went to book club. And came home and ate mashed potatoes because they were in the fridge and didn’t require much thought.

I did enjoy book club…but next month is Dracula and I really don’t want to read it again. Maybe I will just watch the movie, like I did in high school to get out of reading the story of King Arthur. I’m surprised my English teacher never figured that out.

But I only got an hour of quilting done last night. So that was a fail. Except not…just less than I planned. Tonight I have quilt class, but the thought of lugging all my equipment over and basically making a shitload of noise so no one can talk for two hours just doesn’t make sense. So I think I’ll take something else (maybe even grading) and pick up dinner on the way home and then quilt for three hours after. That will make up for last night anyway. And maybe I’ll have the second figure done by the end of that three hours. Except I might have to lesson plan tonight as well, dammit.

Midnight this morning…apparently it’s cold enough to curl up in the box…

and not splay out on the desk. It won’t stay that way for long…another baby heat wave is on its way through Southern California. So tired of excessive heat. This morning, it’s cloudy and cool and nice. I need more of that. I need to stop looking around the house and studio and wishing I had more time to clean. I need to stop looking at the to-do list that is taking over my brain. I need to stop trying to rewrite everything I teach. The new standards will do that to me next year. I need to stop taking on more than I can handle (ha! But some of it pays money and I NEED more of that.). Yeah well. This is how I roll. Overworked and underpaid.