You know when it’s time to go to sleep? When your eyelids are drooping while you sew. It’s certainly time to stop sewing, that’s for sure. Three hours! I got three hours in, plus grading and getting a quilt ready for a show and packing a box for the girlchild and cooking dinner. Not bad. I need to quilt like crazy today though. I really wanted to finish the outlining last night, and I got close, but no cigar.
Meanwhile, I’m trying to do the math to pay for the next month of college bills. There’s money coming from multiple places, both parents, the kids have multiple accounts. It makes my head spin. And every month about now, I add up what I still owe and my heart stops in my chest and I take a deep breath and freak out for the next 24 hours. Which is now. Because I just can’t see how I’m going to pull it off and that’s frightening. Terrifying. Stomach dropping fuck me I can’t even do this. I do the math on the calculator and it just stares at me and I shake my head at it and go, no. I can’t.
So I have to figure that out. And not cry while I’m doing that. This month is taken care of. Next month is a month away. Next month I won’t have a hellish credit card bill…except I need to fly the kids back for Winter Break and I haven’t booked those yet.
I have 17 places I need to be today, and some of them are optional and I can’t do it. I just can’t. I’m buried and I can tell it’s having a stress effect on me because the eyelid is twitching. So I’m dropping anything that’s not necessary. I’m making a list on a post-it (sometimes it just has to be a physical piece of paper that I can see) and then I’m throwing out this lame pen that doesn’t work that I’ve had for 10+ years and getting a better one, and then I’m going to deal with the things on that list only. If you’re expecting me somewhere to do something, please just realize that I can’t handle it today. Or probably any time in the next week. Love you. See you in a bit.
It’s a good thing my parents already canceled Sunday dinner, because I would have had to.
I did finish both arms and the entire torso and the bird and got up into the face. There’s just a lot of tiny details on this thing and so then I have to go slow.
Which takes forever…you know, cuz it’s slow. And I’m usually kinda tired and afraid I’m going to sew through my finger.
And then my sewing machine doesn’t even warn me that the bobbin is running out. It’s supposed to, but half the time it’s like…fuck! I forgot to tell you! Sorry! I have a machine that can’t multi-task. It’s so busy sewing, it can’t do all the other jobs it’s supposed to do.
Fucker. Because then I can’t plan for where to end, and it’ll be some teensy weensy spot where restarting is a pain in my ass, and I’ll have to do it because Machine Sucked. Damn bird is done. It’s not upside down in real life.
So I still have the head and the hair, and then miles of background quilting, but I need to run errands first. So I’m going to do that. Yup. Shower and food maybe too. Mornings aren’t good for me. I mean, I guess I was sewing until really late, so that should count for something, but it just feels like I can’t get my act together. Sigh. I wrote the list out, though, and it looks doable. Like I think I can handle it. Plus about 5 hours of quilting? Maybe? We’ll see.
Meditative breathing. Taking on the world, one post-it-note list at a time.