Working Brain Power

Ugh. Tea. More tea. I don’t know what’s up with my sleep these days. I can FALL asleep, which is nice, because that used to be an issue, but after about 2:30 AM, it’s a crapshoot as to whether I’ll STAY asleep. Or toss and turn. Lie there watching the light increase, feel everyone fussing around me, wonder when the alarm will actually ‘wake’ me up. Huh. Could do without it. I get to the end of the day and feel like a mack truck rammed me.

Some drawing has been happening. Not a ton, but some in the last two nights.

OK, maybe that is a lot. I drew a crone; she’s part of a tree, like a Mother Tree overhanging this group of women. She is holding onto war, not because she wants it, but to protect the women from it. I stared at pictures of really old, wrinkled people when drawing her.

Hence the knuckles, which I’m really excited about. This arm is not done. It needs things.

But I’m in love with the hand.

Not so in love with war. The effects of war…on families and children especially. I’ve taught too many kids from the Middle East to ignore the effects of war on kids. Just stop. There’s a lot of anger in the world right now, a lot of people trying to grab a bigger piece of pie instead of trying to make peace. I’m not a fan. So if you’re killing kids or kidnapping people or bombing hospitals or destroying people’s homes? I’m not for you. I may have empathy for things that happen to you or your people; I may want you to have a home, somewhere safe that is yours, but not if that’s how you’re handling it. And I realize sometimes you feel you need to protect yourself (Ukraine, I see you), but I’m not sure that’s legit if you are killing kids or aid workers or health workers in the process. That’s me, though. I’m one person. But this quilt has some war in it. Some aftereffects of war. It’s also going to have some reproductive rights in it, because that’s another kind of war. Another place where I don’t think what people are doing is legit, putting women’s lives at risk, even the aftereffects of forcing pregnancy on one gender and not the other. I wouldn’t choose to force it on anyone…again, I’m thinking about the kids…I want them to be wanted, to be loved. I’ve seen what happens when they’re not.

So all that is in my head as I draw. Clay this afternoon…gonna try to put her back together. We’ll see. I have about 78 things I need to do this weekend, so if I have to come back and do that later, I will, but the goal is today.

Those illustrations are too real. This week was a shitshow. It’s not over yet, but I am only teaching half of today, and it’s independent, shut up, I explained it yesterday, I need you to do things on your own, you’re going to high school in four months for goodness’ sake. I realized I’ve been ON, direct instruction, ALL week, and that is part of the tired. Also revising the curriculum from day to day. Yesterday, I stayed after school for 90 minutes just to get ready for being in a literacy meeting this morning. I had to make a video for the absent kids. I had to copy seating charts, write sub plans, I forgot to put the pens out (I’ll do that this morning), and because I had no projector for two days this week, everything was off. Plus we got voluntold for something next week that thoroughly fucks everything up, and today I get to tell the literacy coaches I’m not doing any more of that for the rest of the school year. I’ll do these meetings and try to plan for next year, but I’m not taking any more time from stuff my kids need for state testing. Sorry. Not sorry.

I don’t need to be violent. Just not tolerating your shit.

Simba misses the boychild. This is his bedtime side-eye. You? I have to sleep with YOU? He does like me. He even cuddles. But there’s not enough room for all of us (cat, dog, two people…luckily the other two cats are staying away at the moment).

OK. Literacy AM. They’re gonna want decisions about next year and I don’t have the working brain power for that right now. And I’ll let them know that. Then teach in the afternoon…should be pretty chill, but you know how that goes. Stand on a corner for afterschool duty. Then go play with clay. Come back, cook dinner, prep art to be delivered tomorrow. Read my book. SLEEP. Although it’s still the SAQA conference, so I’ll be up early. Ugh. No sleep for the weary. At least it will be a weekend.