Last night, I couldn’t sleep. I finally went and found the iPad at about a quarter to 1 and had to re-upload my meditation program, because apparently I deleted it somehow. And then meditated, confusing the dog massively. Even then, I couldn’t sleep. I even considered taking today off from work (wow. two days in, people. well done.). I remember in my old job taking a personal day every once in a while, just a day to clear my head and do what I want and not think about whatever it was that was the issue. But I just had Spring Break, I hear you say. OK. Well, that tells you a little bit about my job then, doesn’t it? It’s not even the kids right now…it’s the other adults and some of the situations. We live in an inherently violent and sexist society, and I wish it didn’t have to be that way. I can wish that all I like, but when it comes down to reality…it doesn’t look like it’s changing any time soon. And apparently I’m a shitty teacher for not just accepting the way things are. Wow. I’m so done with this school year. 51 days.
I also worked last night, which didn’t help things. A last-minute project showed up and ate up the evening, which is fine. I need the money. I always need the money. Dear college: Knock it off. Give me a break. The girlchild was shocked that tuition went up. I was not. I’m not happy about it, but it’s always going up. Everything is always going up.
I did a little art stuff…started cutting out Wonder Under for the new quilt…
That’s about an hours’ worth. Halfway done. Ish. I’m not engaged with this project yet. Too stressed out. Too tired. Maybe when I start picking fabrics for it?
Maybe it’s just a matter of not having that deadline to work toward. Knowing that you only have X number of weeks to finish something gives you a drive you might not otherwise have. Then again, I come home from work and the last thing I want to look at is more grading, lesson design, or whatever. I don’t want to think about kids or what will be taught in homeroom or whether or not I will be able to work with my team next year. I just want to relax. Monday was better because I went out and climbed a big sweaty hill. I guess that’s a lesson in itself. I had a trauma training at school yesterday as well (because I don’t recognize trauma?) and they talked about self care. Gave us a list of self-care tasks. Oh yeah. That. I do that. And that. And that. And I still want to run screaming from my entire life some days. I guess we all do. And no, donuts aren’t the solution.
Making art for me is the solution. Drawing the pictures, trying to make sense of the world with a simple line, getting the morass in my head out onto the paper. Some people call it a gift, but it’s not. I worked my butt off to be able to channel that stuff out. And I can’t even draw fast enough. I can’t draw enough to clear it all out.
So each morning, I write this and I check how I feel. And I label what’s in my head: Thinking or Feeling? Lots of feels this morning. Too many thinks last night. And the feels are particularly hard right now, whether that’s due to lack of sleep, hormonal surges, an empty house, or whatever. They feel (ha!) overwhelming. So part of my mindful practice every day is to spill it here, then contemplate what the day might bring in terms of opportunities to help the feels, to spill them out in an appropriate way, to offer them to the Earth Mother, to Nature (those hikes save my brain!), to dribble them out on the elliptical, to shelve them between the pages of a good book, to cut them into tiny little pieces while I trim the Wonder Under, to block their effect with music or pictures or drawing or tracing or whatever the hell it takes.
With that in mind, I gird my loins, mount my trusty steed, Subaru, and venture into combat, looking past the inevitable strife and conflict towards an attainable goal of peace…tho temporary it might be. An evening with scissors.
Oh yeah, in case you don’t know how to gird your loins (again, where’s the female version…)