Not Lesser Than

Happy Candy Day to those who celebrate it. Being a teacher today is not always the easiest thing in the world. Actually, tomorrow is worse for candy and trash. Fridays for Halloween are always best. They have the whole weekend to eat all their candy and get tired of it before coming back to school.

That said, we get to dress up…not much this year, but a little. I had an idea but then lost my roll. Oh well. It’s also the last day of the month, which means it’s almost November…that’s crazy. October is usually one of the longest months of the year, but I feel like I took a breath and it’s gone. I guess the plus is that I have some vacation days coming up, so more artmaking! Yay. Looking forward to that.

So I graded last night…I’ve been super efficient lately, so that’s nice. It feels better than being really behind.

We have a sick kitty, so there was some time last night trying to assess what her issue is and how emergency-like it is. I’m still not sure. I know the vet closes early today, so I’ll have to go tomorrow. Sigh. She’s not a happy kitty, but I can’t really say what’s wrong. And they’ll ask about her eating and peeing, and this is the cat I never see eating or peeing. She’s very secretive. Strangely, I thought she was only 10 years old, but when I was checking my records, she’s actually 12…going on 13. Yikes. So I freaked out about that for a while, because I haven’t had a lot of cats live past 13. It’s like finding out your parents were 90 years old when you were sure they were only 60. Whoops. I’m a space cadet. Anyway, lots of pets for Midnight and hopefully we’ll figure out what’s bugging her and it will be simple…after $500 of blood tests, because you know that’s how it goes.

My ex exercised the puppy yesterday afternoon, so he was asleep on my shoulder while I was worrying some of that out last night.

I did some more on the left…fly stitches…

Trying to make a shape that can be enclosed in a crazy quilt in some way. Not sure how I’m going to do that. I don’t have to know until January 1.

When my brain eventually started to behave, I grabbed the enlargements I made after school. I did one set at 250% and then realized how big the main head would be and sized it down to 200%.

Then I cut and pasted them together…they actually fit pretty well for once. I’m not even sure why sometimes it’s better than others. It could literally just be the copier I picked…or it could be some other variable. But here’s 200%…

The group I’m making this for is called Things That Matter…and I’m focusing on women’s issues again for this one. It needs to be at least 60″ wide, so I added paper on all sides to make the head not quite in the center. There’s more below her than above her.

I knew I wanted a nursing baby, so I penciled that in. I don’t always draw directly with Sharpie. At this size, there’s a lot of pencil that happens.

Then I inked in some of the basic shapes.

I’m just getting started. That was about an hour last night of drawing. I’m still letting the sides and upper area (above the shoulders) percolate. There are a lot of things in my head. As always. I’m tired of all the attacks on women in the last years, especially this year. It’s exhausting. I even had a student tell me that men work harder than women. This is a kid who is majorly failing. A boy. He said women can’t be scientists because they don’t work hard enough. I love it when a 12-year-old is sexist like that. Then I had to explain sexism, because they thought I said sexy. Whoa. No 12-year-old is sexy…sorry. Not to adults. Unless there’s something wrong with them. So that was a fun moment.

Sometimes I wonder if I have any effect on some of those boys whose cultures tell them women are lesser than. LESSER THAN. Hmnnn. That’s a place to go for a title maybe. We’ll see. Meanwhile I continue to try to brainwash them while they’re young. Respect all people, male, female, or other. No judgement on what is better. There is no better or smarter. There are those who work hard and those who work average and those who don’t work hard and those who try but can’t work hard and those who don’t try, but even they often have so many things in their heads from home and family that they honestly can’t be engaged at school. But they all have potential. And a place in our world.

Not lesser than.

I Think There’s a Flaw in My Code*

So even though I am nowhere near done with grading, finishing the project I did over the weekend seems to have cleared a panic blockage. Of course, I may feel differently as the week goes on, but for the moment, I’m good. I still have to grade all week, but it’s not so bad-feeling as it was last week, I’ll even (hopefully) have some time in class this week to manage some of the grading. It’s good. I got this. Seriously.

You don’t wanna know how many hours I graded this weekend. BUT! I finally got a good start on the new drawing…I just needed some time and mental space to do it.

First of all, some more photos from Saturday’s museum run…here’s a Monet…which are always way better in person, just like most art. I don’t know how much longer these are at SDMA, but you should check them out.

Because that cliff is pretty amazing.

There was a section on Latin American art. But I didn’t take photos of the signs, so all I know is that this disturbing image was in there…

I feel bad that I can’t tell you who that is. Oh holy cow, I found it online: Alfredo Castañeda, Figure in a Landscape (Figura en el paisaje), 1980. I work for you people, seriously.

In other art news, Quilts=Art=Quilts opened this weekend in Auburn, New York, at the Schweinfurth Art Center, and my piece All Stacked Up in My Head is there on the right…

Then last night, we put on a movie…a kind of disturbing movie honestly, with lots of death and shooting and aargh (Lawless about the Bondurant brothers, moonshiners). But I did some stuff, filler bits, on the left side.

While the animals left me alone (mostly…they were walking on me at one point)…

And I pulled up the other multi-head drawing on my iPad, took the drawing from last Thursday night, and did this…

It’s nowhere near done, but it is ready to enlarge for the full-size drawing. And it spilled easily out, like it should. Sometimes it takes a few iterations for whatever it is to come out. So I’m going to enlarge it this afternoon, get it taped to some larger bits of paper, and hopefully work on the full-size drawing tonight. It feels good now. I’m ready. (Don’t look at the calendar and see how little time you have to work on this. DON’T.). It’s good. I’m good. I’ve got some holiday time coming up. If I can get her drawn and numbered this week, maybe start tracing Wonder Under? I want to be at the fabric-picking stage by Thanksgiving week…although I do have a copyediting job that week as well. No rest for the wicked! Or the driven. I’m probably more the latter.

You know what’s really hard today? Not that it’s Monday…but that I want to stay home and draw instead of dealing with school and all the fun stuff that goes along with it. Oh well…that’s the grownup part, right? I will always be envious of those of my friends who can work on art whenever they like…I remember the conversation I had with my ex about how I would be able to do that at some point…both exes actually. Whatever. I’m pretty proficient…it works however you make it work.

*Halsey, Gasoline

Everything Looks Perfect from Far Away*

So grades are due in about a week and a bit. Again. End of the trimester though, so higher stakes. This means I have been grading a lot of stuff. The best line from what I was grading this weekend so far: “Everybody liked him, girls were dying on him, but he did not like any of them. They were all ugly and they did not look cool.” In case you were wondering, he’s writing about his Element Superhero. I don’t remember what element it was, but this was what he cared about in the story he wrote.

I did spend time at the San Diego Museum of Art (the Monets are there!) and the Mingei Museum yesterday with my stitching friends. We attempt these outings occasionally to get together outside of our monthly stitching meetings…and it was good. I have way more pictures than this…I may post more later this week.

This was a montage of some of the really amazing kantha stitching at the Mingei right now. The woman on the left is giving birth…her waters are breaking. And that’s a tiger on the bottom right. Don’t question the spots. He’s a fucking tiger.

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This is a children’s exhibit of Frida Kahlo at SDMA…there was more, but I liked the monkey on the wall. down low where the 2-year-olds could see it.

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At the Mingei…my camel is obviously underdressed compared to this one.

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And Arline Fisch’s wire flowers hanging from the ceiling.

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Then I came home and graded for over 4 hours. Seriously. I did. The plus is I’m almost done grading that assignment from hell. It was great for the kids, great for a learning opportunity, but I basically had to memorize 55 elements and their physical and chemical properties to be able to grade it well. I know more now than I used to. That might be a good thing.

Then I headed out for my regular session of Draws-in-Bars, where I watch that band do their thing and try not to get annoyed by some of the other patrons. Which was harder last night, but eventually got better.

I did this one before dinner arrived…in the mood for Halloween? Might as well start with a skelly.

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And then this one. I really like her facial expression. Those are really hard. And another skelly.

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Anyway. Not a solution to the current drawing issue yet, but it was relaxing. And yes, eventually I put all that away and I danced to the music. Of course, I can’t breathe this morning…not sure if I’m STILL sick or if I’m getting sick again. I’m going for still being in recovery.

I came home and did two nights’ worth on the right…more filler in that cretan stitch.

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A little bit of relaxation, some fun, some educational stuff, some work, some dishwashing happened and a little tiny bit of laundry. Today will be more of the work stuff and less of the fun and relaxation, but that’s always what Sundays look like for teachers. You gotta catch up with everything someday. Well. That’s a joke. I never catch up.

*The Postal Service, Such Great Heights

Are There Novels by Her Bed*

Sometimes trying to get my head in the right place to draw is nearly impossible. It does not help to have this staring at me.

So I did some of this on the right side. I did come to the conclusion that this should be the center of a crazy quilt…so it doesn’t have to be a particular shape…I can piece around it. It’s been a while since I’ve done a crazy quilt. I do love the embroidery and the bits and pieces. It doesn’t have to be huge…I like wallhanging size. Because I have tons of free time for this, and everyone has a crazy quilt lying around with two eyeballs on it.

Don’t fuck with me. You know they do.

Eventually I tried to draw. I graded a lot before I drew. I only got this far.

This is essentially a blank canvas for me. Many of my drawings start with the eyes and then a nose and a mouth. So this is not a shocker. I stared at it for a long time but couldn’t find my art brain.

I didn’t write this until this afternoon because I was reading a college essay this morning and getting ready for a field trip. I have now survived both AND the Friday and I’ve got stuff to do, and if I’m lucky, I’ll have the energy to draw more sometime in the next 48 hours. And maybe art brain will join me.

Maybe.

*Natalie Merchant, Jealousy

Sometimes I Get a Good Feeling*

Today is finally supposed to be under 100 degrees. Hallelujah. The heat sucks energy out of me. I’m hoping to find enough of it to get me to the gym tonight, even with the remnants of this wacky virus. We’ll see. It’s been rough this week. I did pick up a copyediting job for Thanksgiving week…and maybe another one for after that. I still have to find the money to pay for college on a regular basis, so job number 3 pops up every once in a while.

I have a quilt in Quilts=Art=Quilts, which is opening this weekend at the Schweinfurth Art Center in Auburn, New York. It will be there through January 7. This one was made for a show that it didn’t get into…and it seems to be doing fine with that rejection. This is All Stacked Up in My Head.

It’s actually a similar idea to what I’m sloshing around in my brain right now…a protective goddess trying to make sure we get what we need and want. But a different image of course. Anyway. I fell asleep on the couch again last night…this cold is kicking my butt. Or it’s because of the 17 thousand things I’m trying to do during the day. Or all of the above. I know I need to get out of here early this morning for a parent meeting and duty and tracking down the principal for a question that he probably could have answered by email. Sigh.

I finally got my act together (seriously, I was grading stuff that’s killing me because I have to look up all the chemical and physical properties of most of the elements just to make sure the kids followed instructions, and then I was trying to write a study guide and found a different version of the quiz from last year and I don’t even know why, so my brain exploded for a while. NO. Teachers NEVER STOP WORKING. Sigh. Double sigh.).

So I wasn’t going to draw, but then my stubborn-ass art brain made me. I had another idea for the quilt, so I started with that…the bubble and the hands…and apparently the cat next to me.

Because when it’s hot, I want a furry beast right next to me. NO! I want it ON me. That’s the puppy earlier.

This is where I got. And it’s not going to work.

I mean, maybe it’ll work for something else. But not this. It’s OK. This is a process. Not every drawing for a quilt spills out of me in one go. I’m enjoying just drawing a little bit anyway. Tonight we try again! Really. We do. After grading. And maybe another nap. No! I’m going to the gym, remember?

*Pretty Lights, Finally Moving

Left You with Nothing but They Want Some More*

So let’s see if I can get my brain in gear today and actually publish the post once I write it. Certainly today should be shorter, fewer meetings (only slightly). It will also hopefully be cooler by 5 degrees, topping us out at 100 degrees instead of 105…in a fire alarm evacuation…apparently due to burnt popcorn. You’d think after so many years at that school it would have happened before? We used to have the fire alarm pull by the door and some jerky kid would pull it for fun. That was always a joy. I’m supposed to try to get my flu shot today, but with two parent meetings and duty before and after school, that might be tricky. We’ll see. I’m not sure I should get the shot when I’m still recovering from whatever the hell this virus is. Google says I’m fine as long as I’m not feverish, and I think I’m past that. I’m in the snotty nose rough throat phlegmy stage. Not quite well yet.

Hopefully soon.

After the school board meeting last night, where we voiced concerns that all the extra work we do is invisible–certainly it seems that way when we see what they offer us–I came home and emailed one of the board members who yelled out at us as we left that we should stay until the end so we could hear what he thought. Ten-hour day asshole. Seriously. I don’t know if emailing politicians helps, but I’ve been doing it for other stuff…now it’s spilling over. Maybe he’s forgotten that teachers vote.

I wanted to draw last night. First I did this…filling in on the right side. It’s so big now that I really should remember detail pictures all the time.

That’s kinda how I felt…Calli’s got it right.

But I eventually drew…without Calli’s help…

Honestly, I’m not sure this is the way it’s really gonna go. I have some other ideas…I want to work some of them out…but it’s a start.

I may combine a few starts or start again or I don’t even know. I just know I drew. And now I’m gonna cough up some phlegm and teach more science and go to two parent meetings and maybe get a flu shot if I can slot that into a day that’s already overflowing. Drawing on the couch tonight though. I can look forward to that. And continuing to get somewhere close to healthy.

*Feist, 1234

I Can Do No More

Well. So. Some days you just write off. I did get some of this…

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And honestly, that’s a good thing. I tried grading (almost fell asleep doing it), I tried reading the book I’m supposed to be reading for school (more almost falling asleep), I hung out, I went to book club, but mostly just to hang out. I’m tired and stressed and cranky and overwhelmed and worried about getting the next drawing done and a whole bunch of other shit.

So today is going to be better. I’m going to hang out and do some hobby sewing and then come back and maybe grade a little and then work on the ironing of this small quilt to fabric so I can start drawing on Saturday or Sunday. Don’t look at the calendar for the next week, because it’s ugly. I’m gonna do what I can do. I can do no more.

You’re Just the Gravel on the Road*

Between quilts, there’s usually a few days, sometimes a week, of downtime, of braindeadness, of not being able to take on the next piece because my brain is still in the last one. Sometimes I have the next one right there and I’m able to jump right into it. This seems to work best when the drawing is already done. Certain parts of artmaking take more brain presence than others: drawing, picking fabrics…that might be it! Amusing. Mostly I’m a worker bee completing the task set to me, more than an artist in creation mode. I don’t mind that though. It’s meditative…it’s part of the process.

So I finished a quilt on Sunday night. I came home last night and ironed it and dehaired it for the photographer…it goes today. I have the next one started. Currently it looks like this…

Except bigger…that’s from July 3. Yes, that long ago. I have a page in my notebook with a list of things that need to go into this quilt and I’m not sure how all that is going to happen or whether I might just have to start over (it happens), so I’m just letting it all ferment in my head for a day or too. I don’t want to start and not get it right. The last quilt…I felt really unsure about it until it went together in fabric. Then I could see it. I want to feel better about this one. It’s not about making them fast because of a theme…it’s about making them true to me. Which I do…but sometimes it’s harder than others.

I couldn’t deal with that drawing last night…so I found other ways to be creative. This is where it’s good to have some things lying around. I have some hobby sewing I do…you see it here pretty often. There’s this one…I’ve been working on it for 5-10 minutes a day since Jan 1.

I added two nights’ worth of fern stitch in the bottom right.

Then there’s this one…the bird quilt. I spent quite a bit of time last night spacing out, watching Dark Matter and trying to get this green stem stitched down. Didn’t finish.

And then this one…I traced the Wonder Under back in June. It’s small, less than 400 pieces. I needed something to do last night, so I sorted the pieces into 100s.

I don’t know if I’ll pick fabrics tonight or if I’ll have the brainpower to draw the next one.

But it’s ready to go. I do have a countdown on the next one…it has to be done and photographed in 75 days. I thought I had a ton of time on this last one, and it really stretched me…it was 14 days early, but I had a similar chunk of time, starting August 15 or so, and this next one will be more complicated. It sounds like a ton of time, but it’s not. The holidays are in there…pro: more time to create…con: more not-art shit you gotta do. So I can’t really take time out to make a whole new quilt before I start that one. But I might be able to allow myself two days to pick fabrics before I start drawing. Maybe. I’ll think about it.

Seriously, I’m harder on myself with artmaking (well, and with school) than anyone else could be. I didn’t grade last night. I should have. Oh well.

This morning’s sky. I like being able to see the sunrises…except I don’t like being up early. As the days get shorter, this is good though. Another three weeks of sunrises and then Daylight Savings Time…

And I lose them again for a while.

*Tom Waits, Day after Tomorrow

I’m a God-Dang Rolling Stone*

Monday mornings. You know already what most of the day looks like. It’s gonna be hot. There’s a cool thing you’re doing in science, but then kids have to turn a major assignment in, and that’s always a hassle. “Did you mean TODAY? I’m not ready.” So where I worked over the weekend to make sure stuff was graded and done for YOU, you chose to do nothing, the same kids I caught trying to do their homework in class on Friday. We don’t work at home? I do. Maybe that’s a mistake (I don’t think it is), but certainly it’s something you should know how to do. Being successful in college doesn’t mean getting it all done in class…the same with many jobs. You make time for fun stuff too, true. I do that. Not as well as some of my students, ironically. Ending the day with my favorite past time…a staff meeting. Oh yeah baby.

So in good news, I finished the quilt. My photographer’s not answering email (minor issue)…but it’s ready for photography. It took almost 100 hours. Seriously, like 7 minutes short of 100 hours. I spent a good chunk of time on Saturday and Sunday sewing down binding and sleeves. Big is not fast in this instance…

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Saturday night was out and about…this had no name…but I loved it.

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Plus this sign…

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And these lights…

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Home relatively early, so I did three nights of catchup on this…

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Finishing the eyeball. Still not as free and loose as I’d like, but maybe that’s just me.

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Last night, I inked the quilt…just some additional shading and detail. Sometimes I feel like they need it…sometimes they don’t.

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And then I piled it up on the ironing board, ready for ironing and dehairing for the photographer.

It’s hard when you finish one (late, like 9:30 at night) and you have the next one ready, but you’re not ready to start it…mentally. I often don’t have a lot of down time between pieces, and the next one is a drawing that’s enlarged and ready for all the rest of it. But I needed some space from this last one. I graded for a while…was really efficient for once. But I’d been on Facebook and Instagram, and the #MeToo stuff was getting to me. For one thing, I don’t like following a lot of trendy/fad stuff online. But this was legit, in that I think most men don’t have a clue that every woman or female-identifying person around them has dealt with this…and not just once…many, many times, some violently, some so vague that you didn’t know it happened until you were processing the day in your head. Some annoying, some creepy, some downright scary. It’s harder having a daughter, because you know she’ll deal with it too, and you’re fairly sure you didn’t prepare her for it, especially because she comes home and tells you about some incident where her friend behaved the way you would have, shut it down, but your own kids thought you were just paranoid, when in reality, you’d just tried to impart years of bad experiences, and obviously didn’t say it right. Or because of that mom/daughter thing, she doesn’t listen. She has to make her own experiences, and you hope that it’s more of the mild instances and not the scary ones. The irritating, annoying, is that all you think I’m here for? instances. Instead of the ones where you’ve got your keys in between your fingers and your heart is racing and you’re evaluating all the ways out and how fast you can run. Or even worse, it’s your boss and the way out means losing your job and benefits and you can’t really afford to do that.

So I drew. It’s not an awesome drawing. It’s just a drawing. I’m a visual person. So there it is.

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And I’m lucky to have one of those men in my life who’s sitting there shocked at all the women in his FB feed who are typing out that hashtag, and who comes in and hugs me, says he’s sorry, sorry for all those assholes who don’t get it, who think they’re entitled, who may not even realize what they’re doing, because they don’t think before they act, or worse, those who have thought about it and can’t see why not. Does this hashtag rebellion reduce the impact of what Harvey Weinstein did? Fuck no…because he’s in a position of power, but even those who aren’t think this behavior is OK, and we need all those men who do NOT think it’s OK to yell about it too…because we women already know it’s all too easy to tune our voices out.

On that cheery note, happy Monday. May y’all survive the start of the work week, and maybe the catcalls and abuse will abate slightly today because of everyone putting it out there.

*The Roots, The Seed (2.0)

I Was Feeling Part of the Scenery*

I totally forgot that I have two quilts at PIQF this weekend…so go check them out. They are part of the Threads of Resistance exhibit…

Thanks to Ellen November for the photo…she confirmed that they are not hidden away as well. The Mancusos are kind of used to me I guess. I wanted to go up for this show, but this month is a crazy asshole and that’s not happening.

Speaking of crazy assholes…

So last night, I was ready to sew the binding on, and I realized I had an issue on the back. I should have cut the backing bigger than I did…oh well. So I thought about how to deal with this…because honestly, it’s on the back, so who’s gonna care.

The quilt police and I are not on speaking terms.

I put the miles of binding on…

And then the sleeves…and added a little piece of the background fabric under the sleeve, into the binding seam, so it would cover the small piece that would show.

No one is gonna know…I’ll hand stitch it down while I’m sewing the binding and sleeves down. Problem solved!

Then I went to watch that band I always watch. Crashed their event, bought a glass of wine, then mooched the second one (the table I was sitting at was totally empty). And started drawing. Damn, I miss drawing. Need to shove that into my schedule. I keep saying it and it doesn’t happen.

The wildfires in Northern California are on my mind…

I try to stay out of the newsfeeds, but stories about animals being rescued or still being there after everything burned, or old couples holding onto each other in swimming pools all night. Aargh. The fires aren’t fully contained, evacuations are still happening, the death toll will surely rise. So freakin’ sad.

And I have 17 errands to run, 3 hours (at least) of hand sewing, and at least 5 hours of grading to do. There we are.

*Peter Gabriel, Solsbury Hill