Never-Ending Cups of Tea Would Be Cool if They Were Real

Stayed up way too late again, but for a reason! OK, it’s always for a reason. It’s not always a good reason. My brain is sometimes very juvenile. Anyway, so I finished quilting.

I didn’t get a lot else done yesterday honestly. It was a lost day. Oh. I did hike the dog. And there are photos! But they’re on my phone and I need to get my act in gear and do some work today, so you’ll have to wait to see them.

It took about 3 hours to do all the outline quilting, which honestly was the biggest part of this quilt.

I had to go pretty slow because the details are so freakin’ tiny…

And I was lucky to have a color of thread that worked for the background. I know some of you have incredible thread stashes, but not me, so I thought I might have to quit last night and go shopping today, but no! I had one that worked…

The total quilting time was 4 hours and 23 minutes…a baby quilt. I had a few places I had to go back and fix because I’d forgotten to stitch them down. I mark them with pins. Ironically, this pin is in the wrong place…it’s the next artery to the left. But I figured that out.

And then quilted the background, finishing around 1 AM or so. After I think.

Then I read the prospectus 17 times and measured twice as many times before I trimmed it. I really hate pieces having to be an exact size. She’s only 16 x 24″. Tiny really for me. This would be a perfectly reasonable quilt at 200-250% of this size. Anyway. Then I cut the binding but realized in the middle of the night (OK, morning, because I didn’t go to bed until morning) that I cut it too small. So I have more and will cut again today. But I really really really have to grade stuff first, as much as it might kill me. And tomorrow is actually kind of busy, so I need to get the quilt done today as well. Dad will be disappointed that I haven’t worked on the yard, but that’s because his priorities and mine are different. So I’m going to plop myself on the couch with a never-ending supply of tea and I’m going to grade until I start pulling my hair out. Then I’m going to the gym (I hope). Then I will come back and put the binding on the quilt and then grade some more…and if that doesn’t sound like a fun day to you, well, then, I agree. Finishing the quilt will be fun. The other parts suck. Well, I like the gym. And never-ending cups of tea would be cool if they were real.

I Can’t Think of a Title Because That Damn Crow Won’t Shut Up.

An empty nest during Spring Break…it sounds like bliss to those friends of mine who still have kids at home. I remember Spring Break was almost torture, because I still had tons of schoolwork, housework, and yardwork to do, but I had to entertain two kids as well. And feed them and clean up after them and all that. As they got older, sometimes they would help around the house as well, but it was still work to get through those two weeks. They were necessary to my sanity in the school year, but I didn’t feel relaxed at the end of them. Yes, I’m lucky to have two weeks off, because as any teacher knows, it takes a week just to try to recover from what you’ve been doing in the weeks before. So I get the recovery time and then a week to try to fix whatever I need to fix. Or finish grading, more like it…almost 9 hours in the last two days, but one assignment is done and input. Hopefully the next big assignment will go faster (ha!). I’ve already done some of it, the paper stuff mostly, before break started, so that was smart. But the computer stuff…my school computer is dying and is scheduled for a reboot after break, but I’m trying to bully it through some work before that happens. Otherwise I have to sit in here at this computer and I can’t have some TV show nattering on in my other ear, persuading my brain to continue working. My brain requires multiple stimulants to do just about anything. Seriously. Even art. Can’t be quiet.

So it’s been too quiet here, too much alone time. Spring Break with no kids around. No one around really. It is what it is. At some point, this will be summer break as well, although not this year…at least one is coming home. Not sure about the other one. We’ll see. I’ll have to put the house on Airbnb or foster a child or puppies to get through that.

So I spend my days working through the lists of crap to do that are mostly in my head. Yesterday, the front yard, which has been a disaster since the septic field was redone, was on my list. The weeds are over 4 feet high and I’m waiting for the county to get called. My neighbor is frustrated, but he’s retired and has a gardener, neither of which are my superpowers.

Weeds. Huge ex-lawn. Deck covered in leaves. Tree overhanging.

Two plus hours later, I’ve cleared the deck, trimmed the tree, excavated weeds to the middle (mostly), and weed-whacked part of the growth.

My whacker isn’t going to make the grade though, so I went and borrowed dad’s. It’s gas-powered and I might need a shoulder harness to wield it, and if I don’t hold on tight, it might send me skyrocketing through the air into my neighbor’s yard. I’ll have to go back out again today…there are more weeds to pull and things to whack. And the real decision of what to do with the space anyway…I’d love to have the time and money to re-landscape it in a more native-plant style. But that’s not in the cards. It rained a little last night. Hopefully that will help with the weeds in the middle. They were not happy about being pulled.

This morning, I pulled 17 thorny splinters out of my hands…and that was WITH gloves on.

So after that and groceries and cooking up some weird stuff (some recipes are just lame with amounts of ingredients) and grading for fucking hours, I finally made it into the studio. Late. I pinbasted this one and the other one (which I didn’t apparently photograph).

And started quilting. Barely. It was late.

It’s the line that will pull this thing together. And I’m running out of time, so I need to put some significant hours into this today.

Oh! And good news this morning…a quilt I made for a specific show actually got into said show! A miracle. The Goddess of Never-Ending Chaos will be in Houston as part of the Turmoil SAQA exhibit.

This is kinda what it feels like when I meditate. Seriously. Even with the kids moved out. I’m glad it got in. There were 24 chosen from 220 entries…typical 10%…but it’s nice to be in there once in a while.

Up All Night

So yesterday I spent an hour going through two containers of old pens and pencils. I’m fairly sure my SIL would have just tossed all of them, but I don’t have her budget. I did toss about half of them, but a handful are going to school to supplement my stash there…and the others are going into a useful container here. Which I should consolidate with all the other useful containers and then stop buying pens for about 8 years. Seriously, when I die, my children or grandchildren will pull out their hair over the pens. After they’ve screamed over the fabric and thread. But this cleaning house thang, it just takes more than I can handle. I do a little every day. I also did a little yardwork yesterday and will head out for more today because it’s nice and cool. Plus my greenery trashcan just got emptied. I think. I hope. And then I graded. Oh my. Talk about pulling out hair. I got through three periods of the last unit by sheer willpower. Strength. Gimme it. And I input grades right as I finished them, so when those little widgets finally remember to sign on and check their grades, the shock will sit right with them like lead in their guts.

I swear I think I give up on this year. I’m gonna keep on teaching, even teaching good and cool stuff like frog dissections and brains, but I’m going to stop (I swear!) worrying about the grades, because I just can’t. I can’t take this year on and listen to admin saying I get what I give. I just can’t. Where are the parents in that equation? And why is this year so different? Some break happened between kids born in 2002 and those born in 2003. Turning work in must be controlled by a gene that was stymied by a vaccine or something.

Yeah. Stop thinking about school. Grade stuff, but don’t think about school. Laughing heartily over that one.

So after about 4 1/2 hours of grading (which puts me at an estimated 15 remaining? I might have underestimated dammit), I needed to do something else. Even though it was almost midnight. What the fuck? I’m wide awake (no idea why…haven’t slept well for nights) and it’s Spring Break. I gots nowhere to be. Literally. Nowhere.

So I stitched to music. Window closed so hopefully the neighbors weren’t too disturbed…actually, I think this photo is from Saturday, because that’s when I started.

So the thing about small quilts is that the distances are shorter, so the stitching-down part was way shorter than it would have been in a full-sized quilt with this many pieces…less than two hours and I was done.

But it wasn’t even 1 AM and I was still wide awake. I had started stitching down this ancient one (seriously I don’t know when I last worked on this…wait! I have an app for that. Well I picked fabrics for it three years ago, March 2013. I ironed it together that July. And it’s been hanging in here ever since.

Because it’s a little weird. Honestly. But it deserves to be finished. I needed to take some photos of me stitching and this was the only piece lying around I could stitch on, so I started it about a week ago for the photos and then put it aside. Now it’s ready to be sandwiched and quilted. So some pieces really do lie around and wait if they’re not compelling enough. Right now I think it’s calling out for a shitload of embroidered flowers. Or whatever.

I went to Easter dinner at the parentals and worked on these again. I could have taken grading. God knows I have enough of it. But I’m trying to finish these birds…think I’m down to 5 now.

The wool work is soothing. It’s easy to achieve something interesting quickly. Well not really quickly. But they relax me. I’ve been handling a lot of wool pieces lately. Need the calm. The distraction.

So yeah. Today I need to sandwich the two quilts and start quilting the more complicated one. Mostly finished picture due Friday (one day reprieve!). And final photos by April 15. Easy peasy. Seriously. I don’t think quilting will take as long as a full-size quilt. And then I can start on another one. Because my sanity depends on it.

Because the pile of grading is still there. The finished stuff is in the green bin. The other two periods are on the couch.

And there’s another pile on the coffee table of another project. Plus the assignment that’s online that I can’t even bear to look at. It’s just a matter of priorities right this second. What first? Yardwork? Then shower. Then groceries and pick up the poor dog. Then grade until my eyeballs bleed. Then make art. No housecleaning in that scenario. Hmmn. I need a secretary to plan out my days. But he/she would have been here at a reasonable hour, banging on my door, and when you go to bed at almost 2, then you need more sleep than I got. I can feel that behind my eyeballs. Well maybe I’ll sleep tonight then dammit. Stupid hormones.

So not up ALL night. Although definitely went to bed in the early morning. So I guess I skipped night. Yeah.

Find the Balance

Serious hermit behavior results in…well…results. Certainly not my original plan for yesterday, but I guess it turned out OK. Although I’m running a little crazy from the quiet. I finished watching The Killing finally and decided for a change of pace to watch Call of the Midwife…I’m not sure it’s a whole lot different, despite the era change and the content change. Maybe that’s just my brain. The next steps on this quilt will be performed to music instead, so that will be a change.

I did get my taxes almost done yesterday too AND walked the dog, so I did OK. But I also ironed for 6 hours…which is kind of pitiful maybe. Or not. That’s 6 hours of talking to no one. Well…briefly to my SIL. Texting daughter. Ex about daughter and taxes. That was about it. Next week…sigh. I will need to do some things besides art next week, although it will probably hurt my brain. I do need to have this to an almost-finished state by the 31st though. Yikes. It’s sounds impossible when I write it out.

I didn’t start ironing until after 3 PM, after I’d done all the stuff I needed to do.

I ironed the third figure apart first…it was easier than trying to fit the wings around the existing arm.

Then I put it where it belonged and ironed the other wing under her head.

I ironed the vine separately as well and then fit it around his head and hair.

Then all that was left was this bird…whose wings gave me fits. I misplaced two feathers and recut one and fit the others so the last one didn’t matter, but I don’t know what was going through my brain because I found the missing pieces as I finished up ironing. They were just in the wrong section, but I could have sworn I’d already checked there. Brain fade.

Then I ironed everything down to the background.

It’s supposed to finish down to 16 x 24″. The image is about 15 x 23″ I think. I didn’t want to leave a large border.

The next step is to stitch it down, hopefully today. I am going to the gym. Need to strengthen the body and clear the mind. It feels like cobwebs in there.

Then sandwich it Sunday and start quilting. It’s taken as long as a large quilt to iron down because of all the tiny pieces, but hopefully the next two steps will be quicker…although there is a lot of detail, so maybe I’m dreaming on that hope. And it needs a name.

Next up…financial aid, finish the silly taxes (the last form is giving me fits), yardwork, housework (still), and grading shit. Aargh. I can’t. I just can’t. There’s definitely a war going on in my brain at the moment. Trying to process stuff and weed out the crap so I can face the rest of the school year. Calmly. Mindfully. And keep the balance. What I’m doing now is not really balance…but I need to swing back to let the work stuff in so it doesn’t bury me later. So probably FIND a balance first. Like I haven’t been working on that for the last 20 years…

The Mindful Sloth

AHHHH. Spring Break. I feel relief flooding through my body. Calm waves wash through my brain. OK. Wait a minute. Not yet. First I have 700 errands to run this weekend to get ready for camping and hiking on Monday. In fact, I got home, exhausted, yesterday, beyond tired, sat on the couch and fell asleep for about an hour. Then I got up and went hiking boot shopping! Yay! Yup. Bought boots and new socks and new inserts. Had gift cards and my dividend from when we bought the boychild all those winter things. Paid for almost all of it. I’m very excited.

Today includes tires and checking a tent and figuring out what we’re missing and dog food and dog meds and shit I don’t even remember at the moment. Plus an art opening…which I’m hoping is as good as all the hype around it. We’ll find out I guess.

So last night, after figuring out food and eating something and grading for a while, because honestly, grading is going to be a big part of my time “off” (it’s never off, is it?), I went back to cutting tiny pieces out. I really REALLY thought I’d be done last night. Really.

Fuckin’ A.

On the left, stuff that’s cut out. In the middle, the scrap pile. On the right, what’s left.

Bloody hell. I was tired. It was midnight. I couldn’t do it. Tiny little fussy pieces. Maybe an hour at the most. Couldn’t do it.

I cut for almost two hours last night. Should have started earlier? Except when. How. Whatever. So 7 hours in…just a bit to go.

And there’s the grading. Actually, that is only a small portion of the grading. I have a pile on the couch and about 300 things online.

And there’s the cat too. So there will be lots of that going on over break.

I haven’t cleaned up my photo files from last March yet, so this is what I was working on a year ago…

The big Earth Mother quilt. That was a fun one.

I still want to draw a more naked sister to this one. I liked drawing it. I could work with this. But there’s other stuff ahead of it…and two shows coming up in the fall that I might want to enter. Have to look at those today. Maybe today. I’m having a big flailing morning for sure. Cannot get motivated to do shit.

I do occasionally go back and read previous posts from last year, just to check my mood and stress levels. It’s useful because it reminds me that this happens every year, that March kicks my ass and Spring Break has a lot of grading, but I make more art, and I never ever ever catch up on house cleaning and yardwork, and there are X number of days left in the school year and they will be stressful, but I will make art to save my sanity, and maybe I will hike and do fun stuff as well. So yeah. It’s all good.

I am going to make a serious effort to return meditation to my daily practice over break. And to draw more. And to try to relax. Much as I can. I’m just not very good at it…at walking away from all the Have-To’s for any period of time. A significant failing on my part. OK. Well. I might function better with food. And a shower. At least I’ll have some chance of getting out of the house with those behind me. Maybe. Today I am like a slow-moving sloth. Just moving that arm as slowly as possible. Mindfully! ha ha ha. That’s it. I’m moving slowly because I’m being mindful about everything I do today. Yup. That’s it.

What I’m Looking Forward to…

I did some math yesterday, some rough calculations, and came up with 26 hours of grading that I needed to do over break. Ugh. Seriously? I thought I was “caught up” (you’re never caught up until June). So I graded last night. It was frustrating because the iPad is getting increasingly slower and slower and I didn’t bring my school computer home. In fact, I was going to bring it home for break to help with all these assignments, but now they’ve told us we can’t because they’re doing an inventory. It’s amusing to me that they think we don’t NEED the damn things over break. I guess, yes, I could sit in here, in my office, to do all the grading, but I like to be mobile, to be able to go where I want to do this stuff…by where I want, I mean the couch. Way warmer, more comfortable, and I can watch TV while I grade, which keeps me from screaming.

But no. That will not be allowed. Whatever. I’m so pissed off at my school and district at the moment that I can’t see straight. Good to get a few weeks’ perspective. And I applaud the teacher who is able to relax for these two weeks, to do nothing school-related or home-related, but my two weeks look busier than the two weeks before break in terms of the to-do list. Not to mention those 26 hours of grading. Fucking job. Eats you alive.

I’m still doing this…

There’s always a point when it seems never-ending, like I will be cutting things out forever. And sometimes I am…it’s been over 20 hours of cutting before. This is a small quilt though, despite the numerous pieces. So I’m 5 hours in and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

This is all that’s left…I briefly thought I would finish last night (ha!), but then reality kicked me in the head.

Reality isn’t a very nice thing sometimes. Kinda rude. 26 hours. Sheesh. And the fact is that while I’m teaching, I’m often grading at the same time. While students were watching a video yesterday, I was getting through the project grades that I could, but I have a huge pile of paperwork that’s coming home as well. I guess I can do those in front of the TV. Depressing though.

So fuck that. This is what I’m looking forward to: camping and hiking, sleeping in, peeing when I need to, napping if I’m tired, reading books, not dealing with other people’s children, going on walks during the day instead of when I’m exhausted after school, straightening up some of the shit around here that’s been driving me crazy that I never have time to do, making art. Hopefully getting this tiny quilt done and starting the next one. Which is bigger. And less insane. I suspect it will end up being more alone time than I need or want, but I have too much work to do around here to be out socializing every day (because that’s how I roll…yeah…not a particularly social person).

And now. Now I am going to school to take 140 kids on a field trip to the science museum. I have meditated (but not sufficiently) and have some caffeine in me, so hopefully I will survive it.

Take a Deep Breath. Take 20.

Some days, you just come home and wish you could take the dog for a walk or sit on the deck with a cup of tea and your book (my book being on the iPad). I came home and did bus lists for the field trip. And then tried to make my scanner behave so I could prep some paperwork for the unit after break. And considered the crazy I’ll be dealing with today. I really should be meditating every day.

And so I did…

I just did it with scissors. On the left, the pieces (tiny little fucking pieces) that I’ve cut out. In the middle, all the trash. I don’t toss it until the quilt is ironed, because sometimes I need some of it, or I’ve tossed some pieces in there by accident. I found two pieces on the floor last night. Don’t know when that happened. On the right is what I have left to cut.

So progress. About 2 1/2 hours of it. Because at some point, you can’t run at 110%. Everything needs to rest. Recharge. With electronics, they often tell you to occasionally drain the battery and then recharge the device. Except I’m not sure that works with humans. I do know most of the teachers around me are drained…possibly as of two weeks ago. Pretty sure you’re not supposed to keep going without recharging. And yet we do.

I have to leave early again today. I’m counting the hours I think until break. Seriously. I was in tears last night over the damn scanner thing. Ironically, I have a new printer with a scanner included that is sitting here on the floor, waiting until I have time to install it. And the scanner isn’t really the issue…it’s Windows 10. Fucker. So yeah. Praying to the teacher goddess this morning. Please o great one. Bless me with sanity today, enough presence of mind not to yell swear words at a child, and not to burst out into tears. Take a deep breath. Take 20. Take some Motrin. And keep looking forward.

The Golden Nugget of Spring Break

I have a friend who’s experiencing some of the same uterus stuff I did last year, when I thought I was going crazy. Sometimes I still think that, but I know it’s the hormones fucking with me. I have kind of a PTSD about the uterus at the moment right now. Even though the organ itself is mostly calm and well-behaved (well, as much as any uterus is), I still tiptoe around waiting for it to rear its bloody head up again, torturing me with its presence. It reminds me of this regularly by causing random pain and suffering, but also I know deep down that it is in charge of the hormones that rampage through me, making me cry through the stupidest stuff, things I didn’t even consider weep-worthy a year or so ago. I figure I’m still riding the last year roller coaster of menopause and hope that the moody crap mellows out with age. Maybe I will never mellow out with age. Who knows.

But when I look at the batch of drawings I’ve done without a purpose or theme, ie, for a show I know I want to enter, then there she is…that tiny organ, so evil sometimes, so dastardly…looming over me. You can track my life through my quilts. The females still cry a lot…well hell, so do I. On top of that, the girlchild is going through some major trauma at school. Mama Bear in me wants to fly out and fix it (it would probably get violent), but you can’t. So I worry about her. Luckily she’s very vocal and lets me know what’s going on. I’m worried, but she can handle it in the long term.

I finished ironing the wings last night. I was still debating wing fabrics in my head until I pulled open one of the drawers of black fabrics and two popped out at me, part of Mariah’s stash, long skinny pieces…I had a lot of one and not very much of the other. But it didn’t take long to iron all the feathers down, and then that was it. Here’s the 71 fabrics I used…although a couple are hiding because I don’t have very much of them left.

The ranges are always very similar. And yet the quilts don’t look the same. It took 9 hours and 39 minutes to iron 800-something pieces.

And then it was still early, so I started cutting them out. They’re freakin’ tiny…

But I got a lot done in about an hour. I’d like to have them all cut out by the weekend. I have a ton of stuff to get through this weekend, some of it prep for camping and hiking next week, but also probably will need to go in and clean out my classroom. We have a field trip Friday and two parent meetings (I swear, if I get another crazy request for a meeting this week, I might kill someone), so lots of work stuff going on. Today the major project my students have been working on is due and I had a ton of crazy online last night related to it. I can see when the kids are working on certain documents in Google Classroom and sometimes it worries me. That said, if a kid spent 5 days of class time doing diddly squat, then last night was probably a rough one for them if they actually want to turn in the assignment.

Today will be rough for me too as those who didn’t work show me the panic. Whatever. I’ve got a plan for the rest of the week. And although I’m not caught up with grading, I’m not as far behind as I was the end of February. This little quilt? It has to be done in two weeks though, maybe faster because it needs photography. That’s a little scarier.

OK. Parent meeting. Tired. Really tired. Trying to be healthy in mind and body. Trying to keep an eye on the golden nugget of Spring Break…right over there.

Just the Wings…

Some days it feels like I am just getting by until I can go back to whatever art project I am working on. I get through school and errands and exercise, except I really enjoy exercise, and then I get through cooking and eating and paperwork (is it paperwork if it’s on the computer?) or the technological equivalent, and then I look at the clock and calculate how much time there is left in the day for artmaking. I really wish it didn’t always start after 10 PM. Especially when daylight savings is already kicking my butt. The night owl self wants to stay up an hour later, but the morning self reminds me I have to teach 155 7th graders tomorrow and patience is one of those things that wears thin with little sleep. It already wears thin on project weeks. Gone are the days of scantrons and multiple-choice tests (well, they’re SUPPOSED to be gone…some teachers still use them), which means more work on both sides. Kids want me to give them all the answers. Then they get mad when they calculate their BMI as part of this project (yup. I brought in a scale) and realize they are classified as obese. Or that they have a higher risk for heart disease because of their gender or their race. Or that the parent who smokes around them is increasing their risk as well. Yeah. Well. Welcome to critical thinking.

So what little patience I have gets fully used up by 3:30 and then I’m supposed to do tutorial after school…unpaid tutorial, I might add, and I’m doing it today because of that project that’s due, but what I really want to do is come home and finish ironing. Well, that’s not all I want to do. Tonight is a little different, but it’s OK. It will get done.

This is a messy pile. I don’t like messy piles, but even if I straighten it all up before I start, this is what it ends up looking like…

I had a lot of little fussy things to iron last night: a cat, some hair, a uterus, lungs, a jellyfish.

I actually had myself convinced at some point that I would have no problem finishing the ironing last night, but then it was after midnight and I stood there staring at this pile…

Totally exhausted and still completely undecided as to what color(s) the wings should be. And that’s all that’s left. The damn wings. Hard to make decisions at that hour. So I packed everything up, turned off the iron, peed the dog, and walked down the hallway toward the sweet comfy bed, and the solution popped into my head.

Yeah. That’s how it works. If you make art every day, even on the days when there is no inspiration and nothing strikes your fancy, and all you’re doing is picking up fabric and moving it around or drawing godawful things in your sketchbook, or even just stitching something down because it needs to be stitched and you don’t feel like being more creative than that…if you do all that, then your brain gets in the habit of solving those creative problems while you’re too tired to even consider them. My brain figures shit out while I’m doing the dishes, while I’m driving to work or on errands, while I’m standing in a line. I let it wander and it does. It wanders until the answer is just there.

This is not an instantaneous thing. You have to work at it. I make so much work because I work at it. It seems so easy now, but there’s almost thirty years of practice in there, some years better than others. More intensely now than ten years ago. In fact, that might be my greatest fear about getting old is that I’ll lose that. I won’t have art every day. So when I talk about getting old, there’s a few things I want: I don’t want to be that old lady with the cane or the walker. I want to be the one who’s still hiking the mountains. She may have poles and she may go slowly, but she’s still moving. I want to make art every day. In fact, I will have worked my butt off for years and I deserve to retire and make art every day. No, I don’t know what that looks like yet. I don’t even know if I’ll ever be able to afford to retire, but whatever. Those aren’t the only things I want, but they are two of the most important.

With that, I guess at least I know what color I’ll be ironing tonight…just the wings…and then I’ll be ready for the next step on this project. Time to cut out all those little tiny pieces. Way better than stressing out about school.

Minor Flail

Don’t you hate waking up in the morning and struggling to remember what day it is? Yeah. It’s Friday at least. That’s a plus.

I can’t say I got much done last night. I did a lot before I considered not getting much done. Like counseling and the chiropractor (yes!) and the gym and dinner and then it was really late. So I finished the last of these three birds…

I have two months left to finish (6 birds). Yeah, it’s taking forever. Here’s why I do this stuff though, because people always ask why I’m not working on my own stuff. My stuff requires brain power a goodly percentage of the time. Sometimes I don’t have brain power, but I want to stitch or handle fabric or whatever it is that lowers my blood pressure (actually, mine’s always low) and makes me less likely to yell at inanimate objects (it could be argued some of my students are inanimate objects, but usually I mean computers or the fridge or a couch). Last night I just wanted to veg out and so I watched one show and stitched on wooly birds.

Yesterday my principal said something about our classrooms being reflective of us, but the words he used were “you get what you put into it”. And wow. Did that bug me. Because I still have a massive number of Fs. And I had to walk away from how that felt, because as a teacher, you do assume that if kids are failing, it is entirely your fault. And then you try to fix it. And the trying to fix it was driving me crazy. So I stopped working so hard at the fixing it part, because then I’d meet with the parent(s) and I’d think, wow. They raised him. I can’t fix that. I can offer a variety of assists, but at some point, I can’t do a thing if the kid doesn’t want to do the work and the parent isn’t going to do anything.

I’m in the middle of a big project in class, and I’ve chunked it into smaller progress checks so the kids who flail when given big things don’t just stop working. I’m monitoring them regularly, which means I’m walking the entire room in circles. I’m physically exhausted from walking the room by the end of the day (hence the not-getting-shit-done last night). The hardest part is the kids who just sit there and try to fake working all period. Are they gonna keep doing that for four more days? Yes. Yes they are. So I get what I put into it? Yeah. Fuck you. Not even.

Another parent meeting this morning. Hopefully this one will actually show up. I’m really tired. Looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow morning (hear that cats?) and Spring Break in a week, even though it will be altogether too quiet and lonely. I do have a quilt to finish, and if I keep flailing at night, I’ll need a chunk of that time to get it done. Last night? Minor flail. Hopefully I’ll be able to get some stuff done tomorrow so I’ll feel better about this thing being due in 2 1/2 weeks.