I Don’t Know Why Sometimes I Get Frightened*

Yes. I have the day off. Thank you, veterans of the world. I’ve been reading too much (as many of us over-educated people apparently do) lately, and am disturbed by references to how major conflicts and wars began in the past and what we are seeing with Brexit and TrumpWorld. Though I am not pro military in many ways and I wish we could coexist in this world without always trying to force each other to behave, I also realize the Hitlers and Putins and Mugabes of the world probably need a military force in order to make them behave. A worldwide force. So for stopping concentration camps and dropping atom bombs, I will say thank you to our veterans. And for anything that we need to do in the future…protecting human rights for all…not just whoever seems to be in charge.

That said, holiday or not, I am going to work as soon as I finish this. I have a pile of work that is taller than I am, I think. I can’t go into this weekend with that hanging over me. I want to get a good chunk of it done. Especially since I know I have a quilt that needs to get done over Thanksgiving week…because I’m starting a copyediting job right after that. So time is tight.

But my brain is in this place. We met last night for the next show my women’s art group is planning and we revised it in light of the election. And on the way home, the drawing for it popped into my head. I need time to sit out on the deck and draw that. Although the mosquitoes are back. So maybe not on the deck. Sigh. But the world does not feel safe at the moment, not for women, not for LGBTQ, not for my refugee and immigrant students, not for anyone who does not want to feel attacked all the time. There is a call for people like me to better understand those who voted for Trump, and I have a hard time getting past the reality that a lot of it was probably a sexist choice or a choice based on fear of change. But I will listen. And I will act…if that act is making more art, or if it is marching in solidarity somewhere, or if it is speaking up against racism and sexism and xenophobia everywhere (I already do this in my classroom), then so be it.

I came home and finished tracing the Wonder Under on the new piece…just over 10 hours…

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It’s 5 yards…about…of Wonder Under. I almost met my revised schedule on this. I think I wanted to be done tracing on Wednesday and cutting on Thursday.

Midnight. You are such a dork.

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But I did start cutting…got two yards cut out. And watched all of Colony…dystopian societies with revolutionary groups fighting for freedom and rights. Huh.

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This morning, there’s the remaining three yards waiting for me. Tonight?

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If I get enough work done, yes. Finish cutting them out this weekend and sort them. Start picking fabrics by Sunday night? Maybe. Ouch. Way too much to do. Grading. Finishing that worksheet for Tuesday’s class (waited a bit too long on that one). Planning for after break…just getting the normal school stuff done on top of this grading pile. And the holidays coming…

Yesterday, I had this one group of kids fighting over the lab equipment, and then the two boys were denigrating the one girl who was trying to do her part, and I finally went off on them. Quietly. Which I think scared them. And I asked them what we were learning in homeroom about how to listen to other people respectfully, and I asked them why they were trying to make the two girls feel bad for “not doing it right.” They froze. And their faces dropped. And they heard me for once. Hey, that age…when they DO hear you, that’s a big one. I’m keeping that moment in my heart and head at the moment. That was a success. They worked together after that. Mostly. Because one of the boys has some major shit in his head. But those moments give me hope.

Yeah. I need a hike today too. I bet the dogs do too…so despite temperatures in the 90s and early sunset, I’m going to push that into the schedule. Because I have to take care of this stressful, panicked feeling. One of my art friends said, “Make Art Loudly.” Yeah. That.

*Split Enz, I Got You

When the Evening’s Thin*

So many conversations going on. So many worries. So many stories of hate out there. My students who wouldn’t stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. Hell, I’m with them on many days, but I told them, this is YOUR country. Not Trump’s. Be angry. Be scared. But remember this is your country. Hard for some of them to hear, as refugees. As immigrants. I remind them my own family immigrated here. We didn’t start here. We left oppression, starvation, and came here.

I had a long meeting after school, then a longish phone conversation. The plus is I got the copyediting job, but it will start later than I thought. In some ways, that’s good…it gives me a chance to finish the grading I’m trying to do on the last HUGE unit, plus the quilt that needs to be done by December (ouch. scary.). And then December will be a bit of a bitch. But I’ll have some money by the end of it for college. And I need that right now.

I did grade some stuff last night. And then I went back to tracing…

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At one point, I thought I could finish last night…but then I realized I had another 150 pieces to go, which is at least an hour and probably closer to two. And it was midnight. Hmmn. And I had to be up early for a meeting. Ugh. Yesterday, I lit about 45 candles. For science…although I did briefly say some good thoughts to the goddess while doing it. And I don’t do that often. I didn’t set off any fire alarms. I feel pretty good about that. Today I think I will have to tie knots in 45 balloons. We’ll see.

Tomorrow I walk these guys…except it’s in the 90s today and supposed to be tomorrow as well (is it November? Really?).

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Someone left my yard gate open and both of them got out yesterday evening. In the dark. The little one doesn’t come when he’s called, but he follows when the big one and I run away from him. I’m a little creeped out by the gate…who was here? Pool guy doesn’t come on Wednesday. Plus the pool was full of leaves, so I know he wasn’t here. This living alone thing is scary sometimes. I reminded a friend who called last night that she was lucky to have someone to cuddle with in bed tonight…so she should go do that and enjoy it.

Tonight? Another meeting. But maybe I’ll finish tracing and move on to the next step. And maybe I’ll find time to draw. Because I think that would be a plus over the next few days. I need some space for my head to get out on paper. As many of us do.

*Sarah McLachlan, Building a Mystery

It’s a Very, Very Mad World, Mad World*

Reeling. More worried about how to walk into my classroom today and let my almost 100% immigrant kids know that they are safe here in TrumpWorld.

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Because I’m not sure they are.

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Reeling for women’s reproductive rights…hell, women’s rights in general. LGBTQ rights. Human rights. The Supreme Court. My taxes. My kids in college, paying college fees and loans. My health insurance. But mostly knowing that I am currently under a government that doesn’t care about those things. Or me. Or my students. And people around me voted for them…not just Trump, because he is just one man, but a conservative, racist, misogynist man who takes the slightest offense and turns it into a Tweet war, and a government that might be on his side.

I started having a panic attack around 7 or so, so I turned off the news and started tracing. I traced for over 3 hours. My kids were texting me all throughout. It’s possible the girlchild is rioting right now, while the anarchist boychild plots some sort of political overthrow. I’m OK with both of those right now. (And if they’re not, maybe they should be.)

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I guess that was my meditative solution to the stress levels.

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I’m about 540 pieces in. Another night like that and I’ll be done.

Simba tried to help. Petting animals is supposed to help.

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Yesterday’s new unit cover page.

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It’s pretty cool, but I’m more horrified by my country right now than pleased with my cover page.

Peace on people. Stand up. Get educated. Yell loud. Don’t stop yelling. Don’t give up.

*Gary Jules, Mad World

Everything’s in Order in a Black Hole*

I don’t talk about politics much on here. I mean, I talk about political things, but the election crap this year has been more than I wanted to handle. Too much crazy. I voted weeks ago, basically as soon as I got my ballot and found 3 hours to read everything (San Diego ballot this year was hefty hefty hefty). I suspect most of you might guess my politics just based on my regular rants, but just in case, I got this…

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which might be dangerous in my part of town. But whatever. I stand by it. And I raised my kids to stand by it. Luckily, I will be distracted by teaching all day, so I won’t have to hear about voter turnouts etc., and I can choose not to watch the chaos tonight. I’d really just rather wake up tomorrow to a new world. Except no matter what happens, tomorrow will be filled with chaos. Ah well. At least I now have the right to vote, despite my uterus and its apparently harmful effect on my brain.

Whatever your thing, go vote. Then hold them to their promises. Or fight their crazy. Whichever seems appropriate.

This text from the girlchild from yesterday morning is still cracking me up.

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(she was writing an essay.)

So yesterday, I finished grades. At least mostly. Which is good, because they’re due at 2 today. I dumped a couple of assignments. They just weren’t in the cards. That happens. And then I bid on a copyediting job. Which seems crazy, when I look at my deadlines, but it’s a pretty compact job, though not small, and would give me a good chunk of money towards paying the next college bill. I can’t ignore the multiple thousands I need to come up with in the next 6 months. I can’t just scrimp and save to get them. I need to do more work…work that’s paid. So if I get that job, the next few weeks will be a bit crazy. Oh well.

Then I finally made it to the artmaking space…both in my head and on the light table. There’s no motivation like the potential start of a new time-sucker to get you going…

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It’s not going particularly quickly, unfortunately. I didn’t start until after 10 PM and I’m only in the mid 200s…with 800 pieces total in the drawing. And the next big assignment to be graded gets turned in today. I’m not ready. I need a break from hours staring at a computer. That’s the thing…it’s never-ending.

So I trace for three more nights? Get done (might be wishful thinking…there’s meetings galore this week). I have Friday off. It all depends on whether I get this other job. If not, it’s a piece of cake. I start ironing over the weekend and cutting stuff out next week, ready to iron together over Thanksgiving, then quilt etc. (while finishing grading…and possibly copyediting for hours). Yeah. So I’m kind of in flux at the moment. But much much MUCH happier and more relaxed today after tracing last night. Interesting how that works. Make time for art. Shee-it. You’d think I would always be able to do that, but apparently not.

*Arctic Monkeys, Fluorescent Adolescent

Looking at the Mutating Skyline*

I’ll be so glad when the internet issues get fixed. I literally sit here and watch it come and go. Right now it’s here. But it might not be by the time I get to the end of the sentence.

We’re doing a field trip this week, so a ton of my time has been spent dealing with that. And energy. By the time I got home last night, I was already exhausted. But I dealt with food and then graded for a while and then prepped food for an opening tonight that I don’t really want to go to. Oh well. Actually, there are two. I’m not in the mood for either. I could skip one. Mentally I could skip both, but really not an option.

So it wasn’t until late until I started tracing again…

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It’s going slowly. Not sure if it’s because in the bottom part of the quilt, the pieces are all pretty big, so they take longer to trace, or it’s because I’m tired. I’m about 160 pieces in, but it’s taken me about 2 1/2 hours. That’s too long. Anyway. It will get done. It’s obviously not getting done quickly though. I guess my job gets in the way of that sometimes. Or a lot. Regularly. For instance, I had to get up early today and will have to be at school 30 minutes early for a staff photo. Let me tell you how I feel about that. No really. Because (1) I love having my photo taken and (2) I love getting up earlier than I have to. And I already had massive issues falling asleep last night (too much shit in my head). So I’m tired. Ugh.

I’m really really looking forward to next week (only a 4-day week) and Thanksgiving break (ah, so many days to sleep in. Potentially. If I didn’t have the puppy.). Then I can stay up as late as my brain needs to in order to fall asleep quickly, and I won’t have to get up early to go have my photo taken.

So looking at the rest of the week, I’ll be lucky to finish tracing this by Monday night. Which is scary, because I know when the deadline is and this is another tight one. Shee it. So hopefully fabric choosing by the 3-day weekend. That’s my goal. We’ll see if I can pull it off.

*M83, Midnight City

No Discrimination Here, Squirrel*

Huh. Yeah. OK. This week. I started a blog post. Internet (or lack thereof) just ate it.

Some weeks…some days…I get up and I eat my breakfast and take my meds and get showered and dressed and shuffle through. And it’s already a trial, so I do that thing in my head where I try to talk myself through it or persuade myself there’s some light at the end of some shortish tunnel. But some days. Weeks. Are just hard. October was a bitch. November can only be better.

It has to be. There’s no other way to go but up. Cooler weather (90 on Saturday. Shit.). Days off from school (piles to grade). Shut up brain. A chance to hike. Maybe go to the movies. Just be instead of having to be it all.

So eventually last night I got up off the couch (I was trying to grade…until I just plain gave up) and started tracing the new deadline. I’m really tired of deadlines. I need to stop thinking of them as a deadline and think of them as a way to make another quilt. But themes kick my ass at the moment. I’m tired of themes. I just wanna make stuff.

So maybe I will figure that shit out.

I didn’t get far, somewhere into the high 50s. But that’s OK.

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There’s only 800 pieces in this one…so about 8-9 hours of tracing. Probably not getting that done before the weekend, especially not with Trimester 1 ending and a field trip. Really I should just go back to bed and take a few days off. Ha!

Calli’s got it. She understands.

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Here’s the one I couldn’t post yesterday. I decided it was a laser for radiation therapy. They probably don’t really look like that at all, but tough shit. I’m OK if I’m the only one who understands my art. Today at least.

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Ugh. This mood. Sucks. Operation take care of Kathy. Going to the gym and reading my book tonight. That’s a start.

*Outkast, The Way You Move

Find Out What We’re Made of*

OK. Better. A little. I made art. It’s amazing what that daily dose does for me. Well and a counseling session. Mindset needs to flip about some stuff. Trying to do that without feeling more stress about it. That might be the hardest part.

So first of all, I delivered this commission, Owl 3.0, last night…

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To its rightful owner, Julie…who has been around me and my art for a long time and is one of my two Number 1 Fans.

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We stitch every month together at a Barnes & Noble…this was my name on the cup last night…

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Creative spelling. Or just hieroglyphics.

I worked on one of the Sue Spargo blocks. These are very relaxing to do…and more appropriate in the space than trying to cut Wonder Under out.

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Although with 105 bullion knots just in the flower, I think each block might take 8 months to do…

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I really do like to hand embroider. I just don’t do much of it any more on my own pieces…no time. Maybe that’s something that should be in the solo show. Somehow. Because I still have no time.

I’m followed everywhere by this pod of mismatched dogs…

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They mill about and occasionally settle…I don’t know if you can see the Golden on the floor under my feet.

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She put her bone on the coffee table for safekeeping. Seriously. From the puppy. Who is on my lap.

I finally settled them all enough that I could start cutting out the Wonder Under for the piece that was supposed to be done last week. And I was getting emails about it yesterday…for photos of the piece in progress. Well. Um. Here they are.

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Lots of doggy interaction going on…

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But I cut them all out in less than an hour…

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I even sorted them into two bins (there’s only 200 pieces). So if I have any energy or brainpower tonight, I can pick the fabrics. Certainly I should have them done over the weekend. Cutting pieces and ironing down next week…which means figuring out the construction issue…by next weekend. I’m quilting this, but not trimming and binding it. Not for this show. I might decide differently later on…but for this show, it shouldn’t be.

So that will make it easier to get it done. A little. I also need to make a slide show of my work for a presentation tomorrow night. Which is a little nerve-wracking. But I guess I know about 5 people in the group…so it won’t be totally like standing up in front of 40 people you’ve met. Just about 35 people I’ve never met. It’ll be fine.

OK. Progress. My brain is in a much better place this morning. Those alpha waves save my ass…

*Bruno Mars, Count on Me

Crazy Thoughts Have Quick Wings*

It’s funny that lab days at school are tiring, but days when I make them write are even more exhausting…I’m still walking the room, but now it’s to get them on task and focused and understanding the instructions they didn’t listen to in the first place. My patience wears thin. I’ve got that 10% who got the thing written while I was giving instructions. And the kids who wrote it yesterday, even though I told them not to, and then had to rewrite. I’m OK with them. And the 10%. But the 20% who didn’t do the prep work and now are saying they can’t write it? Oh man. Therein lies the challenge. And I was observed yesterday as well. I hope she enjoyed it. I definitely worked for it.

So the hardest part of my day sometimes is trying to find the energy and the brainpower to stand up and find my art materials and do the next step, especially if it’s something I really don’t feel like doing. I had spent some time grading and hanging out, so it was a late start. I was exhausted. Really. So I made a cup of tea and set up the light table. Because no way was I doing nothing last night. Writing this post every day helps me stay motivated, because I hate admitting I didn’t do shit yesterday. Although I can’t avoid that sometimes. But I also know this thing needs to get done. And it will only get done if I DO IT.

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It only has about 200 pieces…more than 200, because I used about 5 numbers more than once. I think. So this is not a complicated quilt…I made sure of that, although it’s construction will be different in some ways, so that adds to the complexity. I’ve been thinking that part out in my head and I’m not sure I have it solved yet, but I don’t need to do anything different until I start the ironing-together process…and I’m a ways away from that step.

The thing is, I got to about piece 100 and I was so incredibly tired. My brain was tired. My feet were tired. My legs were tired. I paused and took the dogs out to pee (which with my parents’ dog here for the next three weeks is quite an endeavor…at least two of them at any one time are scared of the dark, so I escort with flashlight all the way out into the very scary yard).

And then I came back and mentally steeled myself for it. Dammit. Because I should be able to finish it in one night. The reason I get so much done is that I must have incredible will power to get through the shit part.

Tracing Wonder Under can be very meditative, but it can also be boring as hell and even annoying. Last night it was mostly boring and I was so tired. But it’s done…in a little over an hour.

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All that mental drama for an hour and a bit of tracing. Now I can cut it out (probably in one night)…I do need this one done quickly. I’ve been putting it off because of the construction stuff. But I’ll just have to figure that out. The problem doesn’t go away because I don’t want to deal with it. Gee. I think I tell my students that all the time. Sheesh.

There was a lot of doggy drama last night, but eventually the old lady went off to sleep, sprawled on the floor somewhere, and these two started playing…

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Wait a minute. I have a puppysitter. That might be cool. If they weren’t all so annoying about food and walks. And cats. I have one cat I haven’t seen in a day. She often hides…and it’s funny…she doesn’t mind other dogs…isn’t even scared. But she does not like Katie, my parents’ dog. So I often don’t see her when Katie is here.

Every year, I find the money to buy a SAQA auction piece…it’s how I support the organization. Plus I get some cool art. I’ve admired Bonnie Jo Smith’s very simple, graphic work for a while, so I’m really enjoying this piece…plus the idea of swimming upstream is something that appeals to me. Or maybe it IS me.

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That link is being fussy, but it worked earlier. So hopefully it will work again, so you can read about the series. So now I need to get this up on the wall. And get my butt to work.

*Jem, Save Me

The Phallus Debacle

Today’s title from the girlchild, who was objecting to my using the word penis over and over again. So this is what she’s calling the penis kerfuffle. And there, I used it twice. Sorry kid.

Just a quick summary, for those who don’t want to go back four or five posts…this quilt, I Was Not Wearing a Life Jacket, was pulled from AQS QuiltWeek in Grand Rapids, MI, due to a viewer complaint about a penis that isn’t actually in the quilt.

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It’s supposed to be shipped back to me, and there’s a possibility of it being shown at a quilt store, SPOOL, in Chattanooga, TN, during AQS QuiltWeek if I can coordinate shipping.

My second quilt in People and Portraits, a SAQA exhibition traveling with AQS QuiltWeek, is Fully Medicated. SAQA asked AQS for a guarantee that they wouldn’t pull it if someone complained about it, and AQS is still thinking about that. I’m hoping a bunch of emails and comments from the rest of the world help remind them that they are in the public eye and persuade them to keep it hung.

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Still no penis. But plenty of other stuff, sure. Maybe pill bottles set you off. Hard to say. I personally have issues with red and yellow used together.

I completely appreciate all those who are being supportive of keeping art out there in the public eye, even if it offends a few…or many. I heard that SAQA was showing my quilt on an iPad and telling viewers it was banned. That makes me laugh heartily, and I appreciate that too. It’s been a roller coaster of a week, what with both kids leaving for college (one is here until tomorrow…the other sent 17 homesick texts this morning at 4 AM), starting school myself, trying to deal with all the stress of change at school, and temperatures of over 100 degrees. I have a migraine this morning (not a good thing) and I’m moody as hell. Blame the censorship, blame the kids leaving, blame my stupid hormones.

I am still making. I am just looking at what I’m doing, though, and thinking “What if this never gets shown anywhere?” Because that’s what goes through your mind when you butt heads with the world like this. I’m going to keep making the art, because I don’t know how to stop…but what if I never get into another show because of it? And I know that’s not going to be the case, but that little voice in your head is worried.

So thanks to all of you…

Sigh. So last night, I did manage to sort the Wonder Under for the next quilt…I start with a box for each 100 pieces…

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And then I stood there with the fan on me directly (because it was still 90 in the house)…and I sorted.

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For about an hour? Not so bad. The last one took more like 2 1/2. There’s a lot of big pieces in this quilt. I really did try to simplify. I just suck at it.

Tonight, I’m hoping to come in here and clean up from the last quilt and all the shit I’ve been doing in between (fixing pants…organizing crap) and start picking fabrics for this one. I figure it’ll take about 15 hours to pick…so hopefully by the weekend some time? Maybe? Then trimming those…by the end of next week? Maybe start ironing next weekend? I’m really trying to get this one done on time…so it’ll be a stretch.

I have to be at school today to prep, even though I’m mostly done. I’d rather be here working. But then, that’s a daily thing.

I Like Having a Detachable Penis*

Really I don’t know how I didn’t think of this song earlier. So yesterday was the first day for teachers to be back at school, which basically means a 6-hour-long staff meeting. About halfway through the first long stretch, I get the email from SAQA telling me that AQS has pulled I Was Not Wearing a Life Jacket (or for that matter, not showing a penis) from the last of the two shows it was supposed to be in, Chattanooga and Des Moines. Understand that I’m already tired and stressed from starting school, and I vacillate between angry as hell, really frustrated with reactions to my art, and incredibly depressed about the possibility of even more restrictions on my work. There are venues where I can’t show my work even now, and there’s even issues with the art world accepting quilts as art. “It’s fabric? Then it’s a CRAFT.” Huh. Last I looked, canvas is fabric. But whatever. These are not new issues. This has all happened before, multiple times. There are magazines that won’t show my work as well, which is annoying. And no, I’m not the only one. By far.

But dammit, I want that all to change.

So I was upset. Still am. But not so upset to stop working on the next quilt. In fact, I’m powering through it because of upcoming deadlines. I honestly appreciate all the positive and uplifting comments I get from y’all. One comment yesterday I had to read aloud to the other teachers at lunch because it almost made me cry. Granted, I’m a hormonal menopausal mess, so stupid shit makes me cry. It helps…because then I feel less alone, less like I’m standing at the end of a hallway with all my work piled up around me as the door gets slammed in my face. No! You will NOT show your work!

Life Jacket was drawn around the time of the Gulf oil spill…

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That guy. Yelling at her.

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“You’re doing it wrong!”

Not a penis.

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Sigh. The second part of the email is where SAQA let me know that they asked AQS to commit to not pulling my other piece, Fully Medicated (which has had no complaints lodged against it), for the rest of the circuit. AQS is thinking about that. They Have to THINK About It. I’m really unhappy about that. They accepted the special SAQA exhibit as part of their show. They should stand behind it. Or not accept it in the first place.

Either you show art, or you admit you can’t handle it.

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I’m still waiting to hear back on that level of crazy.

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It’s funny, because years ago, when I was first starting out, I preferred the AQS magazine over Quilters Newsletter Magazine, because they had more arty articles about quilt techniques. QNM seemed to be mostly traditional stuff. But QNM has backed me for years; they have posted pictures of my work, and then backed it up in the Letters section when people freaked out about those pictures. I stopped being a member of AQS years ago, when I grew out of it, but I kept my QNM subscription all this time.

I just want AQS to feel some pressure from the quilt world. I don’t want people to not go to the shows, because that hurts the other artists as well. I want them to go and then complain to the organizers. Or email AQS and let them know they don’t support censorship. I still want them to go and see the shows and buy from the vendors, and maybe, just maybe, go check out the SAQA exhibits and see what tickles their fancy.

They pulled the quilt because one person complained about something that wasn’t there. I want to be more than one person complaining about their actions.

No, AQS has not contacted me. I doubt they will. And I may be blacklisted from their shows from here on out. Someone brought up the fact that the quilt that was at the Mancuso show where a woman not only complained, but called Fox News, who showed up and called me a pornographer…the Mancusos left the work hanging. And left it in the traveling exhibit for the remainder of the shows. I’m sure I caused them some stress, but I probably also got them some tickets sold. And there were no issues at any of the other shows

So yesterday, after being at school all day, tired and stressed, affected by all this shit, I sat down and cut out the rest of the Wonder Under for the new quilt…

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About 9 1/2 hours total. Tonight, I’ll sort them and maybe get my office cleaned up enough to start picking fabrics. I have a really tight schedule on this one…

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I also prepped a science lab for later this month…black boxes. Each box has a piece of cardboard and a marble, and they get taped shut. There are four versions, with different shapes of cardboard and/or locations. The cats did not help.

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What science teachers do at home to get ready for the school year.

Simba is being a sweetheart, sitting on the boychild…who is leaving in two days.

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I miss the girlchild already. OK. Gotta go to work and get my classroom ready for the 150 or so 7th graders who will show up Thursday. Then come home and make art that makes people freak out. Or love it. Or even just go “Huh.” And walk on by.

*King Missile, Detachable Penis