Sometimes It’s About Massages and Brain Size

It’s not in my nature to waste fabric. Well, yes, I take big pieces of fabric and cut them into smaller pieces and then iron and sew them back together. It’s already a strange concept. But I don’t like wasting what I’ve got. It’s my palette. I don’t even like throwing out the tiny scraps left over after I trim the ironed pieces. But I do. Because it would be crazy to keep that stuff (I do keep it until the quilt is done, in case I need a tiny piece of something…because if I’m gonna lose a piece, it’s usually a little one).

So although I finished the newest quilt on Tuesday night, I hadn’t thrown out the scraps yet or put all the other fabric away, because I knew I had the leftover pieces from when I cut the head out backwards. Now I also cut out the bird and the sun/cloud conglomerate backwards, but I ended up using them in the quilt anyway. I couldn’t do that with the head because of the shoulder orientation. It wouldn’t fit right. But I saved those pieces. I had spent time cutting out the Wonder Under, ironing them to fabric, and trimming them. Dammit if I wasn’t gonna use them. (Yes. I am currently channeling my Depression-era grandmother.)

So I did. Here’s the bin. It’s even labeled Backwards. The question was which pieces did I pull from here to finish the other one (answer: cat ears, cat top of head, cat eyes, cat eyeballs, and human eyelid…plus two smaller pieces that seemingly just disappeared)?

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The real problem was ironing on the back of the pattern. I couldn’t see it. So I had to redraw it on the back. Now when I look at this, it’s obvious to me that there’s another problem…flipped letters. I didn’t actually realize that until later though, when I was on the phone with the girlchild and she said I should just leave them backwards (I didn’t…but I do have one quilt where everything is backwards because I traced it all wrong and couldn’t bear to retrace).

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So here it is backwards…in process…you can see the box of scraps there. I had to fill in a few things…small pieces. And I decided to make the words right way round. I didn’t cut new ones. I used what I had.

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Backwards head…

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Regular head…

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Creepy, huh? And honestly, I’m only doing this because I hate to waste stuff. It only took about an hour to iron it together. Not bad.

So yeah, I’ll quilt it etc. and stick it up on Etsy. It’s not tiny, actually, because of the hair. And it’s weird. Then again, everything I do is weird.

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As evidenced by this drawing done during a teacher training yesterday that I was a bit irritated by having to sit through. I hate when the voice in my head is yelling “No DUH!” the entire time.

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So first of all, the statement at the top is not what I think…but what some kids might think (funny, I’m always careful to explain I don’t believe that…that smart people do some really stupid stuff. I could insert names here if I wanted to.). Then the stuff about brain size/weight…I actually wanted to check that out, because I remembered that Einstein’s brain wasn’t particularly large, and I always thought that it was the connections that were more important than size, although even those can be regrown to some extent. And this morning, I found this…confirming that (as we all know) size isn’t everything. And yes, if you haven’t figured it out by now, drawing is my safe space. The Affect not Effect was because the damn program needs an editor. I hate it when apparently educated people can’t edit their stuff. It’s one thing to get it wrong. It’s another to not realize you get stuff wrong and have someone who is better at it check your stuff. We’re teachers, dammit.

I probably scare some people in trainings. Generally I try to sit with people who won’t be scared. In the old days, when we got a paper agenda for staff meetings, people used to try to sit next to me (because it was more fun to watch me draw than listen to the principal). Seriously, though, it entertains the part of my brain that otherwise gets me in trouble. Plus it keeps me awake. And any angry or pissed off or bored parts will have something else on which to focus.

There is a cat currently sitting on my computer mouse. OK. Moved her. Lab day today. Too tired for that. Oh well. It’s not like I get to ignore the tired stuff. I did get my first ever massage yesterday, in an attempt to move the joints in my neck and back that have been semi-frozen about a month. We got all but one of them. But more importantly, holy crap, massages are wondrous. I can’t afford how wondrous they are (seriously, I could get addicted to that). But it was a positive thing. So there we are. You learn something new every day. Sometimes it’s stupid stuff, like how much vomit a Golden Retriever can gack up. But sometimes it’s about massages and brain size.

The Images Stuck in Your Head*

So a huge feeling of relief as I finished that quilt yesterday evening. And then I sat around for about 10 minutes before I got started on the next one. To my credit, it’s been drawing itself in my head for a couple of weeks. I think. I’m not sure when I did the first part of the drawing, and certainly this idea has been percolating for months. The second one is also germinating in that chemical slop that lives in my art brain. The third one? I’m not sure. Yet. I had an idea, but it’s gone. But I’ve got time on that one. The plan? Finish the three skinny ones for one wall, then the small one for the other show, then another bathtub, unless one of them gets into that other show…then I might need two bathtubs. Yikes. OK. Don’t worry about that right now. Got enough on my plate. I do have one bathtub drawn and enlarged and numbered though. So that’s a plus.

Including science. Teaching it. Trying to understand what I’m teaching (some days)…prepping for and cleaning up after labs. Just trying to see the big picture for the next unit. I honestly am mostly ignorant of a lot of what I’m doing these days until I realize I’m ignorant and start reading or watching videos. This is so much easier than it would have been 20 years ago. YouTube saves my butt.

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Using up ALL the balloons in the world. ALL OF THEM. OK, not really. Certainly we’ve used more AlkaSeltzer this year than I thought possible. And we’re buying stock in vinegar, baking soda, and yeast. And handwarmers. Don’t even ask.

So it’s a relief some days to come home and just sit on the couch with all the animals and a TV show and needle and thread. I know some of you understand. Even though all I had to do was two sleeves, top and bottom, and they’re pretty boring (and I finally poked a hole in my finger…knew it would happen…no callouses)…it was still relaxing.

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Which is good, because my neck is sorta half frozen in a bad place at the moment. Today I’m hoping is the day we finally budge it (after a month plus of trying a variety of things).

Anyway, there she is, fully bound.

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A mere 85 hours of work, completed basically from about November 1st to now. Five weeks. Not bad. Should have been able to do it faster, but whatever. Life kicks you upside the head and you just bully through. Photographer delivery tomorrow.

Amusingly, I was cleaning up before starting the next one, and I found these…the pieces I traced correctly but then lost and had to redraw or steal from the wrong-way-round pieces. I never even cut them out. Wow. Tired much?

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Cat head. Legs. Eyes. Inner ears. Top of head. Yes. I can recognize pieces just by looking at the shapes. Granted, I also know what I was missing.

I might still iron the other head together and make a mini quilt out of it. It’ll be hard to figure out the time taken to complete it, because some of it is tied up in the others of the other quilt, but I bet I could do some rudimentary math and figure it out. So maybe that’s also a goal this week. I can toss it up on Etsy for that crazy person who wants a head on a quilt. You know you do.

Meanwhile, I pulled this back out. I need to get this part drawn enough so I can enlarge it and add the rest of the body and head. I did this back in November some time. I didn’t date it…I usually write the date. Dammit. It’s probably in my blog though, huh? Yeah. I bet it is. (this is why I keep this thing…it’s my brain when I can’t remember shit.)

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Uh huh. November 22. Found it. I thought it was earlier than that. OK. Well with a cat on one side, a giant Golden Retriever sprawled on the other couch, and this little guy behind me on the back of the couch (I am NOT a cat)…

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I kept going…

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I like where I’m going with this. I’m not sure about the head, but I do know what’s going on down below and behind and around her. So I will probably keep drawing on this tonight and then copy? Tonight? I do have a copy place that’s open until 10 or 11 PM (well hallelujah for that, right?). Or maybe I’ll draw and then do the other head. We’ll see what I’m in the mood for at the end of the day. I’m getting my first ever massage and THEN doing chiropractor right after. I met the massage therapist…I’m OK with Viking women going all crazy on my back and neck at the moment if it will help.

It’s nice to finally be moving on to the stuff for the solo show.

*Elliott Smith, Between the Bars

Piece of Cake

Ugh. Mornings. Not a fan. Too many disturbances last night. It’s fine for puppy. He just naps all day. Me? Not so much. I bully through it, sometimes more or less irritated than others. Really, I know the kids will be asking when I’m going to grade everything, and here’s what’s up with that. I didn’t grade shit this weekend. I quilted like a madwoman. I did 14 hours of art stuff instead of grading. Yup. And I’m not done, but I’m where I wanted to be, perhaps a bit further. So that’s good. But I still have grading to do. And I’m not sure how I’ll tell them that.

I started by pinbasting Friday night and then quilting. I quilted Saturday afternoon as well, although when I started, I found this living thing curled up inside the quilt ball I’d put on the sewing machine…

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Um cat. Move.

I did outlining for hours…hoping to finish it on Saturday, but I had somewhere to be at a specific time, so I had to stop short of that mark…

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I really didn’t have much left…half a face, I think. Part of the sun. Her hair.

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So I’m watching the clock and thinking, “I’ll just finish this up.” Yeah. No. Sometimes you just have to stop and get where you’re going.

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Sunday, I got all the errands and have-to’s done, and then finished up the sun etc. pretty quickly. On Saturday, I’d been smart and bought the background thread. Then Sunday, before I even started this, I went and bought the binding fabric, so I’d be ready. I knew I had a 2-hour staff meeting today and wouldn’t make it to the store before it closed. They used to have one late day a week, but no longer.

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Quilting the background didn’t take as long as I thought it would…I think I stopped sometime just after this to make dinner…

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And came back to Kitten trying to sit all over the quilt again.

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She’s not very patient with me. Total quilt time was just over 10 hours.

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Not bad. But I managed to fold the backing up into the quilting. I did not cut all that out. I trimmed the quilt and then was lucky that it fit under the binding. Don’t do more work if you don’t have to.

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I laid it out again for trimming (fast-moving dog)…

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Then sewed on binding and sleeves, top and bottom.

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Then pinned it all back. Then it was after midnight. Kitten doesn’t want to sit on it when it has pins in it, strangely.

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But that’s further than I thought I would get. All of a sudden, it’s going to be a piece of cake to get it to the photographer Friday. Only two weeks later than I thought it should be done.

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Interesting that I got more done on it while teaching than I did with a week off school…although there was other stuff messing with me that week. I guess it’s easier to be efficient when I don’t have any time. Now I need to start drawing the next one.

This came up over the weekend…back to the world of nonexistent penises. There’s the quilt that started that whole mess. Actually, it wasn’t the quilt that started it…it was one person and then one organization that claims it supports art and creativity. My ass. This article is in Textile Fibre Forum, their latest issue.

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Thanks to Tanya for writing me up again. I should stay out of trouble for a while so she has time to make a quilt or two.

OK, so tonight I’m grading stuff AND sewing down a binding. Maybe I’ll finish…maybe not. There’s a lot of binding on this one. It’s a relief to almost be done, though, that’s for sure.

Now I Don’t Know Where I Am*

I am tired. Raccoons and barking puppies. Long lab days followed by driving and stuff. A neck that won’t behave. I haven’t been able to fall asleep easily, even though at times it’s past one in the morning. Ugh. I want to sleep in…for days. This is unlikely to happen.

That said, I finally finished the stitch-down step on the quilt…about 5 1/2 hours total. Kinda what I expected.

I really only had to finish the head and do a bird and sun/cloud thing. It took about an hour. Sometimes I look at my inability to fall asleep and think…fuck, why didn’t you just stay up and finish last night? It’s not like you would have gotten more sleep if you’d gone to bed an hour later.

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I do try to give myself enough sleep though. This week has sucked for it. Too many raccoons. Too many early morning meetings.

Kitten agrees. She couldn’t keep her eyes open last night.

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So it was about 11:30 when I finished stitching. I knew I didn’t have time to pinbaste…that would be another hour, plus the floor wasn’t clean…so more than that…and nothing dries quickly when it’s cold. But I ironed everything flat…

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And I cut the batting and backing, and then ironed the backing…

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I’ll come home tonight, clean the floor, pinbaste, and hopefully start quilting. That’s the plan anyway. Spend all waking moments (well, not quite…got two things to do Saturday and a bunch for Sunday) quilting my ass off. The last long skinny one took almost 11 hours to quilt. Yikes. I’d really like to get that done this weekend. I’m not sure I can. It’s gonna be tight. Buy binding Sunday so I don’t have to try and do it later. Maybe even Saturday. I did have one quilt photographed with the binding pinned back but not sewn. Huh. Maybe. I don’t want to machine sew it…I don’t like how that looks. So I will have to figure it out. I must be the Queen of Efficiency. Opposite of the last two weeks really.

I did go to my stitching meeting last night…this Sue Spargo block is taking forever, but the embroidery is really relaxing. I did one of the stitches wrong (proof of tiredness)…but it doesn’t really matter. I still need to finish all the bird stitching and do the center of the flower. At this rate, this quilt might be done in 2020. I don’t even have time to put the last one together or quilt the one before that. No down time at the moment. There’s pros and cons to that…pro because I’m so busy and that’s a good thing for the art. Cons because I can’t see straight some days.

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I’m still working on good photos for the holiday card. This might be it. The cats refuse to cooperate.

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But that’s pretty cute. Anyway. I’m supposed to be doing demonstrations all day today. I’m so tired from the last two days of labs, and we have two more days of labs planned for next week. Plus some serious handholding. And grades are due again in a week. Shee-it. Yikes. Deep breaths. Plus need the next drawing and it barely exists right now. Minor issue, right. Ha!

*Bright Eyes, First Day of My Life

Went to School and I Was Very Nervous*

December. The month that gives me nightmares and indigestion. But also brings a 3-week break from school (don’t think about the chaos of Christmas and the giant-ass copyediting project you’re getting done during all that). And cold weather. I’m not sure I’m prepared for that. I seem to be lacking the appropriate clothing…as usual.

Funny about that line from the song, the one I used as the title. I was pretty anxious about school and social stuff and trying to fit in but not really knowing how (at some point, I just owned that and found my space in the world…which generally is over THERE and kind of loud sometimes, but usually just going about my business without worrying about the rest of you). Now I go to school every day, granted, as the teacher, but one of the things I try to do all the time is point out how LOTS of them are feeling that way and they need to figure out that the people around them do too. We’re teaching this program in homeroom that deals with some of this, but the last two days, trying to get them to see what a win-win solution might be to interpersonal issues has been pretty frustrating. No. You don’t get to hit her. No. You don’t get to tell her she’s stupid. No. You don’t get to be rude to people all the time. And then a conversation with a non-Native American that telling someone to go back to their country when almost ALL of us are immigrants (including my family) was a pretty stupid thing to say. Especially since he is also an immigrant. Trump’s attitudes mirrored in our kids. How do you teach them that this is not the HUMAN way to act.

It’s a lab day again today. Headache. But good learning opportunity.

I’m pointedly ignoring the schedule on this quilt. It’s sitting in the chair over there going Hey Hey Hey Hey Hey. Yeah. I know. I’m TRYING. That’s all I can do.

I had my chiropractor appointment yesterday and he mentioned that he couldn’t even budge the part of my neck that is bugging me the most and has been for more than 3 weeks now. Yeah. I know. I mentioned that I’d been considering massage, because my neck and shoulders are completely discombobulated at the moment. So now I’m set up for that AND chiropractor next week. So there’s some chance of my being out of pain soon. Woo! Yes! And I even made it to the gym yesterday. So that was good.

Damn…it was the work I did afterwards that took forever…setting up yet another independent study contract for a kid whose parent thinks three weeks off of school is not enough…then updating quilts and shows on my website. I thought I had done that a month ago, but apparently not.

So I didn’t start stitch down until almost 11 PM. Late. Really late for someone trying to finish. And with an early meeting today, so an early alarm, I couldn’t stay up past 1 AM to finish. Everything is just taking forever on this thing. I don’t even know why. I totally messed up on estimating how long it would take. Or how much time I would have.

Kitten is waiting for me to finish so she can curl up in bed with me. Because it is bloody freezing here (well, again, not compared to many places…but my house isn’t well-insulated…plus, she’s a cat. And that disdainful look is normal.). I did stitch down for over an hour, despite the late start.

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I finished the torso and arms and got halfway through the crazy mane of hair.

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So what’s left? The rest of her hair, her face, a sun and cloud, and a bird. Then I can sandwich and pinbaste. I’m conservatively hoping to get all that done tonight, but honestly, that’s more than two hours right there, I think. And I have a meeting tonight until 8 PM. Plus Christmas shopping, because I’m in a book store for the meeting. So. Sigh. I’m really trying to finish it. And since I already set up delivery to the photographer, I really do have to finish it. On time. Ha.

Still trying to get a photo where the two dogs are looking at the camera and not sniffing each other’s parts. Calli is offended by Simba’s existence.

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This may have to do. At least she’s not snarling. I go now.

*Gary Jules, Mad World

We Both Go Together if One Falls Down*

So I’m going to keep making my daily goals for this quilt and then not meeting them. I think that’s just gonna be how this thing goes until it’s done…if it’s ever done. Part of it is I have to do schoolwork when I come home too, and that’s taking longer than I’d like. But I honestly think this quilt is fucking with me. You will NOT finish me bitch.

OK, that sounds a bit crazy, yes. But usually I’m ahead of the game, not behind by a week.

I don’t think I started until almost 10…that’s part of the problem. Stay at school late to do tutorial, go to grocery store to buy more yeast packets for today’s lab on the way home, get home and read stupid email fucking up the entire schedule for next week, deal with that and dogs and order more yeast (I’m thinking I should buy stock in yeast, vinegar, and baking soda now that I’m teaching chemistry). What’s in my school fridge? Yeast. Eyeballs. A frog or two. I think I tossed the hearts. They went bad. Tapatio. Because. Yeah. Made dinner, hung out, tried to type up a worksheet when I couldn’t remember the damn materials and process. Fuck. OK. Finish that tomorrow.

Sigh. I’m overwhelmed. And irritable as shit. So I’m trying to hold that like a big huge ball of Playdoh and squish it down into something manageable, or even better, something I can throw away from me. I’m a visual person. I need to see all that shit rolled up in my head. Shove it into a cupboard, throw it out a window. In my head.

I had this drawing in my head for a while that I could never get out on paper. I was stuck in one of the old glass phone booths and everything else was banging on the outside, demanding shit. Yeah. Here’s how (and why) I hermit. Hard to do that with a classroom full of kids.

So I had started stitching down the night before, but I didn’t get very far. Honestly, I didn’t get much further last night, even with a couple of hours in…

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This threw me for a bit. I swore a lot (yes, mom, I turned it off and walked away and then came back to it). Nothing made it stop. That message came back up after I turned it back on. And I’m thinking to myself, YOU’RE overloaded? Fucking A. I’ll show you overloaded. I love that my machine takes on my moods. So just before I was about to give up and go meditate (while swearing profusely at the universe), I thought about that Google thing.

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You know, where you Google your error message (wait a minute…I’m getting a flash of how to solve ALL my personal problems) and someone else has a fucking answer? Yeah. Found it. Turned the damn hand wheel…all the while thinking, no fucking way this is going to work…and in typical Kathy brain fashion, I have now imagined all the possibilities to how I’m going to get the quilt done (including NOT getting it done or anything else, because I’m tossing everything in the pool and moving to Mongolia).

It worked. Seriously. Stupid machines. Kitten was perturbed by my yelling.

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Now did I get done? Hell no. I stopped at about 12:15 because I remembered I had to be up early for a meeting.

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I draw that face a lot because in my head, my mouth is often yelling like that. This quilt is about time. I don’t ever have enough of it. And apparently I’m old. You know how that goes (sure, many of you are older than me…). Bodies break down. I got the whole bottom dirt area done, plus the legs and torso up to about her waist, and I made it up one arm to the shoulders. So more than halfway, but I probably have a good two more hours to do. Yeah. Schedule shot to hell again. Whatever.

*Coconut Records, West Coast

I Can Paint This Picture Any Way That I See Fit*

Efficiency and balance…two things I’m always working towards…and often fighting like a ninja. I am just like you. I stare at a screen (phone, computer, TV) sometimes, unable to move off the couch (more lately…disheartened). I’d rather read my book or scan stupid articles sometimes than stand up (more standing! after a job where I stand all day) and make art. Sometimes I’m just tired. Sometimes I’m not motivated (deadlines help with that…hence, I just emailed the photographer…on a quilt that’s nowhere near done). I still do this though…this making, creating, pulling apart and putting back together based on the shit in my head. I can’t tell you when the drive to make got so strong…I know it’s gotten stronger than it was when I was a kid…every year…more of a push.

Yesterday, after teaching and prepping for crazy lab days this week (we are going to boil and foam and bubble and explode everything), I drove in traffic and rain across town to pick up my nightstand pieces from that show (that was quick)…and over an hour and a half later (ugh), I got home and started dinner. Fed the dogs. Did some school stuff. And then settled down to the artmaking.

It didn’t take long to iron the head to the rest of the body…

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The bottom’s all rolled up there to get it out of the way. Then I laid it out on one of the possible backgrounds. Now it’s true I was tired, but I probably should have cut the piece a little bigger, because it got a little fussy in the end, trying to fit it on there. Not sure what I was thinking. This piece is all about making shit work, even when I fuck it up.

Flipping the locations of the sun/cloud and the bird worked OK…I had to fuss with it a little to get the bird to fit, but it will be OK. And stitching will give it the detail I want…

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And this morning, the name (so far) popped into my head.

Unfortunately, my sewing chair was already populated…Huh. There’s all these other places she sleeps in my office, but today apparently this was the place. She doesn’t like the other chair, either, so I can’t just move her. She used to sit in the other one…but not since I bought this new one. Not sure why.

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Well. I’ve lived with cats for a long time and sometimes I push them off, but I’m much more likely to adjust to sit with the cat wherever it is. I started stitching down with her there. Eventually she left…but she stayed for a good long time. It’s cold here (for Southern California, that is…), so it’s probably pretty warm stuck behind my butt.

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I didn’t get a ton done, so I will probably still be doing stitch down tonight. I was hoping for pinbaste tonight, but I don’t think I’m going to get that far. I did about an hour and 15 minutes of stitch down last night, and I’m still down in the dirt. So it’s gonna be a while. Finish tonight, then pinbaste Wednesday. Hopefully start quilting Wednesday. I’m crazy if I think that’s going to be quick. The outlining won’t be too bad, but there’s a shitload of background in this thing (reasons to make the image cover the background…less quilting needed). I’m going to guess there’s about 25 hours left in making this quilt…and so it’s a good thing the copyediting job got delayed again, because this needs to be at the photographer just before that starts. So 25 hours in a week and a half, on top of teaching full time and trying to plan through January. Uh huh. Yeah. I can do that (yes, I’m crazy…but honestly, I haven’t been sleeping well…so there’s no point in going to bed early.).

Today, though, first I need to go to school and get ready to set fire to things (seriously…and hopefully not myself). I’m glad I got started on the stitching at least…finally progress on this thing. It’s been a frustrating quilt…I’m ready for it to be done.

*Indigo Girls, Collecting You

Into Pieces Over Reasons*

This is a weird Thanksgiving. My kids are both together in Boston. My parents are at Arrowhead. My brother and his family are in Seattle. And I’m here. With the dogs and the cats. I needed the time though. Still do. I’m so far behind…and I know how bad the three weeks between Thanksgiving and Winter Break are for teachers…so I’m more than a little panicked.

That panic made me grade stuff yesterday. I still have some more to do…some today for sure. I realized the next progress reports are due in like two weeks. Because they’re trying to kill us, I think. Whatever. I woke up this morning with a massive headache…there’s some weather coming in (hot Santa Ana winds…not snow) and that does mess with my head…but my eye sockets are pounding. This is not good. I’ve got some meds in me and I’m drinking tea. We’ll see if that kicks it.

I did better yesterday in the efficiency games (Think Hunger Games without the killing). The grading was part of it…and I’m still two days behind where I wanted to be on the quilt. I can’t really explain that. I did finish cutting out though…10 hours total…

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And then later, I sorted them all. That was about an hour.

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I couldn’t bring myself to start ironing though. I was tired from being woken up early by American Airlines calling me to tell me the boychild’s flight had been moved yet again. I hope he has an easier time getting back to school.

So I do want to start ironing today. But no way am I going to finish in one day, not with Thanksgiving dinner in the middle of that. And tomorrow, I’m supposed to be helping do my own yardwork. So that’s going to cut into ironing time. Plus I bid on another copyediting job. Because I’m crazy. That’s why. Because I’m afraid there won’t be enough money to pay all the bills. That’s why.

I think ironing will take at least 12 hours. Who knows. Maybe I’ll be really efficient. Ha. This week. Not an efficiency tale.

I washed the puppy. He was muddy from the weekend. And then I trimmed a giant knot out of his butt hair. Pomeranians are the worst-designed dogs ever.

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He doesn’t like water. He gets the rips (an original doggie blow dryer) and rubs his body all over the carpet.

I also made brine for the turkey I bought for myself. Yup. I’ll cook it tomorrow and pull the meat off for turkey sandwiches. I’ll freeze half of it so it’ll last a goodly portion of December. I did this last year too. I’m a little weird that way. But I love post-Thanksgiving turkey sandwiches.

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The dogs played a lot yesterday. Although I think this is Calli trying to sleep while Simba tries to play.

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Certainly they sleep well together…

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Turkey brining away.

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So I’m thankful for time to make art. Thankful for a break from school. Thankful I could get the kids together at least. Thankful that someone will take me in for dinner tonight. Thankful for working internet. Thankful for a warm sunny day…although I would also be thankful for rain. Thankful for sleeping in this morning (let’s not talk about the middle-of-the-night raccoon barking fit). Thankful for music. Thankful for Netflix. Thankful for the animals. Thankful for tea. Thankful for my sketchbook and a handful of pens. Thankful for the 1000-page book that I feel like I’ve already read but I’m reading again? Except I don’t know when or how I would have already read it. But it sounds so familiar. That’s it for now…

*21 Pilots, Forest

Into the Sea of Waking Dreams*

It’s a survival day. I’m tired, I’m emotional (for a variety of reasons, none of them particularly clear or definitive), the kids are psychotic (anyone who’s ever been on a school campus the day or so before a week off knows what this looks like…it’s worse than the day after Halloween), and I just want it to be done. I want everything to just stop for a while and leave me alone so I can think. And maybe read my book. Because it’s good but really long and I want to finish it before the damn library steals it back from me. It’s digital, so they can actually do that, instead of my just holding on to it for an extra few days to finish it. There’s over 1000 pages in it, so that doesn’t help.

I had an artists’ talk last night…I know my brain slowed down enough that I couldn’t remember the phrase “free association”. Amusingly. Some guy came up afterward and asked if that’s what I had meant. Sure. Yeah. Couldn’t free associate free association. It was a hard lesson to teach yesterday, mostly because I knew I was being observed in my last period, which is notoriously one of my worst, but also because some days I only barely have an understanding of what I’m teaching (as I’m quickly googling sublimation because I kinda know what it is, but not well enough to explain it to 7th graders). By the end of the day, though, I had reminded myself of stuff I used to teach that was related to what we were doing…and it helped.

But exhausted. That’s the place I was…and still am. So tired it hurts to hold my eyelids up. And I can’t get the puppy to come inside this morning. He just wants to be out and running around and digging at something that was out in the yard last night. I can’t leave him out all day because of coyotes, so he’s got to come back in. Fuck.

I’m nowhere near where I wanted (needed?) to be on this quilt dammit. And that basically means I need to finish everything before Thanksgiving dinner on Thursday. Yeah. I know. That’s crazy talk. OK, maybe I can still have binding to hand sew at that point. So Saturday through Thursday. Probably another 8 hours of ironing, then say 6 hours of cutting, another 10 hours to iron it together, then stitch down of about 4 hours (I am totally making this shit up), then sandwich and pinbaste for an hour, then quilt for 6 hours. Sew binding on is another 2 hours for the non-handsewing part. Ha! 36 hours. OK. That’s only like 7 hours a day. Shit. OK. Sigh. It’s good to see that out in front of me.

I did iron a little bit last night…added some purples and yellows…

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Found those silly dirt pieces from the night before.

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Still need to decide what color the dinosaur is going to be.

I was tired.

Thing is, on a good day, I can work on art for 10+ hours…so maybe I just need to aim for that. And ignore the fact that I do have stuff to grade. And the house is a mess. And I have a copyediting job that’s showing up. Minor issue.

I’m still trying to persuade the dogs that it is warmer together (yeah, I had two cats with me last night in bed), but they are both wary of each other…

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Simba loves Calli’s bed and wishes he could sleep on it all night (he can’t, because he’s a destructive barky asshole at night). If Simba’s on the bed, Calli comes running to me to complain about the interloper. I try to tell her how BIG she is and how she should just lie down next to him, but it takes me forcing the issue for it to happen.

OK. 1. Survive today without crying in front of students (wow. That sounds pitiful.). 2. Make art like a crazy woman. 3. Meditate regularly. 4. Go out in nature and hike around with dogs. 5. Sleep more. 6. Fix and clean everything. Seems like a good plan for the week off.

*Sarah McLachlan, Possession

Saying It’s Not a Catastrophe*

I think my brain just stopped. I woke up to news (again) of internment camps and registries, woke up too early because I have to be at school to help with a rewards breakfast, probably for a couple of Muslim kids, as well as other types of kids…honestly, if we’re going to do internment camps and registries, let’s start with those who kill the most in our country: white males with guns. OK. Once we have that camp going (which probably includes a goodly number of my neighbors and even probably my dad, although not my brother, hallelujah), THEN we can talk about the next largest group who kills people here in the United States. And just a clue…it’s still not Muslims. How does any of this make sense? Is there a white male politician internment camp being planned? I say we pick a state who wants them and put a wall around it. I’m pretty sure I could write an fairly entertaining dystopian (except NOT so unreal and in the future at the moment) novel about this.

I know I’m not the only one waking up every morning at the moment dreading what’s being reported next. I guess there is solace in that. I’m gonna go hug some kids today…ALL of them. I talked to one kid yesterday who hates (with a passion) the US military. You know why? They bombed his town. He lay in (under?) his bed at night listening to glass break and bombs fall, he heard how our soldiers talked to his people, and he hates them. I don’t blame him. We had a good discussion. He doesn’t hate America. He doesn’t hate all Americans. He just hates the military. He’s incredibly intelligent…and I talked to him about finding a place for that anger…about processing it. Meanwhile, very few kids want to say the pledge of allegiance still, and there are days when I feel the same way about it. You want white supremacists and women-haters and Jew-haters and Muslim-haters and let’s just break it down here…HATERS in charge. I don’t get it. I won’t pledge to that.

I made art. Slowly. Tiredly. I went to the gym and the chiropractor before that…so it was already late. I keep forgetting how much I like the gym. I should remember that more often.

You may not know that I have to escort (with flashlight) two dogs outside multiple times a night. They’re both scared of the dark, and one doesn’t like water either (sometimes that shit falls from the sky). I’m not sure I understand why she likes to stand in the ferns, but she does. She’s not peeing. She’s not doing anything but standing in them.

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Weird dog.

Here’s all the fabrics I used last night…lots of browns. I just realized I cut out all the dirt except for the dark part around the hole, and I put all those fabrics away. Dammit. I was tired last night.

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And I didn’t even use that pink one on the right. It was too much trouble to put it back though. I need to install a light under the desk so I can see the fabrics under there better. Home Depot trip in my future.

Here’s everything I’ve ironed down. I haven’t gotten very far…I’m in the 100s. But it’s taking me forever. Deciding which browns and grays…I stared at the grays for about 20 minutes last night trying to find a lighter brownish gray to go with the other two I’d already picked…this for a mole who is about 2 inches across. Sometimes my brain doesn’t work well. It probably didn’t matter THAT much, but eventually I found a third fabric that worked.

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Today is a long day…and I’m not sure I’m ready for any of it. Too tired really to handle it well, I think…and yet I will have to. True for all of us, I guess. Although if you’re one of those who is currently fist-bumping the air over the internment camps, I’d tell you to piss off, but maybe, really, maybe what you should do is come visit my classes for a day. And meet some of them. And tell me why those kids (or their parents) deserve to be harassed. Or you can just quietly decide to stop reading my blog. I really don’t care which you choose.

*Aimee Mann, Humpty Dumpty