Chaos and All.

Ah chaos. There’s nothing like it. When things seem like they are finally chilling out a bit, add some chaos to it. I can never remember whether chaos always moves to order or not, because my experience is that order always returns to chaos.

So pro: the carpet is in and I’ve managed to move a chunk of boxes and furniture back to where they belong. Con: boychild is still at the fire and probably will be until next week, and he wants to go through his stuff, so he doesn’t want it all moved back in. Hmmm. So I meant to go to ceramics the last two days and it didn’t happen, because when I’m at home, I feel like I either need to paint (I primed the drywall patches yesterday) or move shit (I did a lot of that yesterday). I now have about 7 boxes of books that need to go back in bookshelves, a box and three bags of clothes that need to go back in their shelves, and about 3000 other things that need to go back where they were. I did finally clear enough of the living room to be able to swing the other couch back out, so I can get in to the couch without climbing over the Man. Plus the oppressive height of bookshelves in the middle of the room is gone. What’s not gone is my inability to focus on any one task for a given period of time. It’s summer, it’s chaos, I’m tired, I’m overwhelmed in a very different way than during school. It’s OK, because I get to read every day and I’m not at school (oh wait, I was yesterday) and I’m getting this house back into shape (that is the overwhelming part). There’s so much painting, and I hate that, and it takes forever, and I’ll never finish. So there’s that.

Artmaking has been slim for the last few days. I need to change that. Monday night, I cut binding and sleeves for the two quilts from my stash (score!). I don’t need to buy more fabric right now. I’m going to PIQF in two weeks…I can buy it there (ha ha). I did not sew them on yet…that’s a goal for today. There are many goals for today.

This one has matching binding and sleeves…I had a lot of this fabric. It was a background for another quilt.

This one, the sleeves match the backing, which I’ve had for about a million years. Seriously. So I’m glad to start using it. And the binding is from my stash.

I don’t usually buy more than a half a yard of fabric unless I’m using it for a background. And then I use the leftovers on the back when I can. Or the rejects sometimes. I get a background home and it’s way too busy to BE a background. And one of my friends who gifted me a bunch of fabric when she moved, she had larger pieces (yardage) of fabric, so I’ve been using those on the backs, and I just found some remnants from my niece’s old curtains and bedding (I think?) that will be great for backings too…when I was cleaning out under the bed. You forget what you put away…it’s hidden from sight and mind.

Then I started tracing the bugs for the OMA Street Level event next Friday. Why did I agree to this? Because now I’m doing a TV news thing too. That sounds terrifying. ANYWAY. At some point, I’m going to retire from teaching and I need alternate sources of income. That’s how I see it. I have weak moments…if you ask me to do things at certain times, Imma think I have to. Lame but true.

So I traced two of each. I am demoing at the event, so I need to have some in process pieces. I haven’t figured out what/how I’m doing it entirely, but I’m going to turn at least 5 of these into stepouts of some sort. I can’t decide how many I’ll need to demo at each stage…hopefully I’ll have that figured out next week. Ha! Today, I’ll cut some of these out and iron them to fabric, I think. I also need to start ironing the big quilt together. Like today. AND go to ceramics, but that might need to be tomorrow. Today is a little chaotic. A lot chaotic.

Oh, here’s the carpet…no more 1980s dirty beige. And it’s delightfully squishy.

How long until that cat has an accident on it? Probably not long.

That is the boychild’s half-destroyed chair blocking my office during the carpet install.

He needs a new chair. Not my problem though.

And here’s a sunset view of the Lake Fire area.

Pretty if you don’t think about where the particulates that made it came from. It’s at almost 30,000 acres and 16% containment. He’s been there since Sunday night late aka Monday morning hella early. They usually do 24 hours on and 24 hours off…but since they left San Diego at midnight on Sunday, IDK how they’re counting hours. I do know we heard from him this morning and he was headed back in. This is Day 12 of his being gone. I should go water his plants again. The last bout was 12 days. I think this will be closer to 17 or more. Tough on them. This fire season has started out worse than last year’s, for sure.

I did a drawing a week ago at dinner. It was weird. Post hike.

There were lemons at the bar. What can I say? Sometimes I just roll weird.

I have two tomatoes growing and a few bell peppers…this one is growing quite fast.

But I can’t seem to get the zucchini to do anything but make flowers. I collected some pollen and read about male/female flowers, but I’m not seeing any female flowers. Plus something keeps trying to eat them. I don’t know. I got zucchini because I hear all these stories of 100s of zukes being produced by one plant. I don’t NEED 100s…just a few would be nice.

These little spiders (and their webs) are EVERYWHERE in my yard right now.

At least they are tiny. The big orbweavers freak me out. That’s fall.

Simba misses his boy too.

OK, so more chaos yesterday…

Um. Yeah. We have a new kitten.

He has no name yet. Don’t even ask how or why. Unless you’re buying me a drink. Then I might explain the convolution. He’s very sweet, hyper, and friendly.

Although I think lots of hissing has gone on. And we are puppysitting today (set up before the kitten showed up). So there are four cats and two dogs in a space that still has all the furniture willy nilly. Yeah. Chaos. So I’m going to stick around here today, I think, a bit more than I was originally planning to, just because I think the Man’s patience might be worn a bit thin. Although the cat is his. Or Simba’s. Hard to say.

I have plenty of stuff to do around here. I can go to ceramics tomorrow if I don’t get there today. I do need to be more focused today than I was yesterday. I guess I was focused on moving shit yesterday. The Man’s back injury doesn’t allow him to lift much, but he is a Logistics guy, so he was useful for how to do things, but sometimes a little too tell-me-how-to-do-it. Sigh. There’s a fine line, I know. I also have some school stuff to work on, after meeting with my co-teacher yesterday to evaluate the mess in each others’ rooms and for me to find my packets…why I didn’t take them with me in June? Oh I know. Because I needed to lock it all up and walk the fuck away. I’m not necessarily WORKING on stuff now. But at least I have it. It’s a beautiful day. I have art to make. I need a shower and more tea (Simba barking at 5:22 AM y’all). I need some food. It’s all good. Chaos and all. Maybe that’s the kitten’s name.

Getting Through…

Oh my. So today is carpet installation day 1. It is also the Man’s birthday (unfortunate that he had to get up early and the next two days are pretty stressful for the animals). Also we were hoping the boychild would be home from work to take the dog away for two days to his dad’s house. Nope. Haven’t seen him since the 28th of June, and now he’s at the Lake Fire in Santa Barbara County, so we probably won’t see him for a week. It’s OK. I’m in the office with the dog, who is stressed but has finally stopped barking. He got pets from the owner of the installation company, so that seemed to calm him down. He’s now listening to them pull up all the carpet stripping nail things, which I’m sure have an official name, but I don’t have the brain power right now to figure that out. I got up early to strip beds and pull servers (of course) and I have only half a cup of tea in me and my head hurts. Also we saw one cat take off down the hallway and we’re not sure where she is (she might be in the office with me for all I know). ANYWAY. And after all this, when I have new carpet FINALLY, it will be lovely. This carpet was put in by the previous owners and needed replacing when we moved in, but we figured waiting until the kids were older made sense (ha ha ha!!!), so it’s probably 30 years old? Maybe more? I’m guessing 1980s. It’s gross…but the work involved to move all the furniture and crap out of three bedrooms and three closets was why I never did it. That and not being able to afford it, although I think my parents were willing to pay for it. I just couldn’t visualize how to do it. And honestly, I’m not sure how I’m going to move all this shit back by myself…although the Man can lift up to 10 pounds, so drawers :-). And bedding. Sigh. As long as there’s a bed at the end of the day today, we’ll be fine. We do have air mattresses galore. And a tent. So we really will be fine. Probably not the nicest way to spend your birthday though. Although he could be teaching in a middle-school classroom…that’s how I usually spend mine.

So there’s been a lot of moving shit going on and prepping. A lot of doors to sand. I didn’t finish all of them. Didn’t even get close. Oh well. There were a lot of things I wanted done before the carpet went in, but I prioritized art over 8 hours a day of sanding and painting. As always.

After writing on Saturday, I made it to my quilt guild meeting. I was pretty out of it, but I did manage to stitch some hair.

I’m not sleeping well…it’s warm, I have a million itchy mosquito bites, and the puppy is fussy at night…mostly animal sounds and stuff. Raccoons, skunks, coyotes. The Man comes to bed late (he’s stressed about his back and lack of work)…so then I wake up and can’t go back to sleep. It’s fun. Really. Saturday was mostly a lost day…there were things I was going to do that just didn’t happen. I was really efficient Friday and then Sunday, I got more done in the morning before pilates than I did all day Saturday. Ah well. It is summer break, so I can get away with that. I read my book! That’s progress.

I did finish quilting the second piece on Saturday…and trimmed it for binding.

I had to clean the floor first, because…sanding. Dust everywhere. I trimmed the other one as well.

One of the plans for today involves getting the binding sewn on these two so I can handsew at night. I also packed up an older quilt that my SIL (and brother, whether he likes it or not) is going to hang in her dining room and hopefully sell…or if not, she can just stare at it until she’s sick of it and picks another one. So hopefully I’ll make it to UPS today. I needed to get that quilt and these other two out of the way so I could have room to start ironing the big one together. Hopefully tomorrow? We’ll see. I sense furniture moving in my future.

Claywise, I’ve been trying to go into the studio every couple of days. I tried fitting top to bottom…had to do some carving to get it to sit down.

The hands work OK though…that was the other worry. The upper hand is touching the torso, but helps it balance.

Then I got the heart attached…

I also built a hollow thing for a totem-type pole/garden stake series they’re doing at the studio…

I’m not sure the holes are big enough, but I can carve them larger if need be. I formed it over two bowls and filled it with newspaper…it was leather hard by the time I left. It’s been so hot. I underglazed one side for sgraffito. I figured that was the easiest/fastest thing I could make. I can carve fast if I need to…especially during the summer.

The dog is finally just lying on the floor, even though there’s banging going on outside the office door. Good boy.

I’ve also been working on the central panel for Homegrown…getting all those bits sewn down for embroidery.

I’m not looking forward to appliqueing all the velvet bits. Pain in the ass, velvet. Looks lovely afterwards though. But there’s like 25 circles in velvet. Ugh.

So we don’t know where Nova is hiding right now…but last night, she was in my drawers…luckily I thought to cover them with a towel. These drawers are at my head height. The cats sort of love our current hoarder household.

I can’t stand it. This is partly why I keep leaving for the studio! The Man lived in a tiny house for a while and his place was kind of like this…drove me crazy, but he tolerated it. I need more open space apparently. I did realize I need my work bag and keys tomorrow, and they’re on the fireplace hearth…about two feet into this chaos. So that’ll be fun to figure out tonight. I think I can reach it if I move about 8 bins and an old sewing machine. Hopefully. Should have thought of that before now, but oh well.

A friend posted this…

I kind of want to draw this. Somehow. My sketchbook is buried somewhere too. I need more tea but there is a guy banging stuff right outside this door…suspect the metal strip that is between the old carpet and the tile of the kitchen is challenging them. NEED TEA Y’ALL.

OK, today’s plan…binding on two quilts, finish packing the other quilt and ship it, take the Man out to his birthday dinner, write that other blogpost for the art group I’m in. Hopefully move some stuff back into the master bedroom. READ MY BOOK. If I’m ever allowed out of this room. Dog is chill…trying to keep him that way. Some days are just about getting through them to the quiet, organized, newly carpeted future.

Legit Bugs

Hey oh. I suspect everyone thought yesterday was some day besides Friday…I heard ‘Saturday’ and ‘Monday’. I knew it was Friday but somehow forgot to actually WRITE on Friday. I was busy. I got up and showered and went to the ceramics studio, came back for a stitching Zoom, then a trip to the local farmers market, and then a ton of sanding…more of that in my future. All good. I just forgot to write anything. Ah well.

I’ve been trying to finish the two smaller quilts, or at least get them to handsewing stage, before I start ironing the big one together. I got the first one quilted a few days ago…

And then started the other one yesterday…

This is what happens if you walk away from the machine and don’t fold everything up so Kitten can’t get to it…

I sorted the big quilt’s pieces…

That took a couple of hours. In clay, I did some final glazing on the winged woman…

I suspect she went in a glaze fire yesterday, but we’ll see. She has fabric in her future.

And then I started underglazing on the current piece. The base is ready for it…

I didn’t finish.

More clay tomorrow…I’m trying to go in every other day during the summer. Between the quilt stuff and the clay stuff, this summer is delightful. This is my solution to burnout.

I did…well, I didn’t volunteer, but when I was asked, I said yes…agree to do some demos at the Oceanside Museum of Art’s Street Level Volume 2 event in a couple of weeks. I never understand my brain when it says yes to this stuff. Although it gets my work and name out there, I guess. I don’t know. Anyway, I’ll be demoing bugs.

I ended up enlarging that little one on the bottom. Some are legit bugs. Not sure about the bottom one. I’ll have them in different stages and then demo some of the stages. We’ll see how that goes.

I bought this for the prep room at school for the next school year.

It’ll make 50 cups of tea…between me and my co-teacher, hopefully we won’t need all of those cups in one year, but who knows.

Butterflies everywhere…

I’m still watching that cocoon.

No hatching…hatching? Is that the right word? I don’t know.

It’s been warm. Not the heat wave you keep seeing on the news.

I mean, they keep giving us warnings, but I think we’re still pretty bearable. Cats may disagree.

My phone thinks my volume is too high.

Intriguing. I’ve been listening to a book while quilting and doing yardwork and housework. I have one earpod in. Apparently now it will decrease my volume whether I like it or not (I need to be able to hear over the sewing machine. Fascist phone. What if people are hard of hearing? Anyway, I’m sure if I Google it I can figure out how to turn it off. Technology. Took me 30 minutes yesterday on chat with a Zoom person to figure out how to send feedback about their new cost increases. Y’all, I am not a professional Zoom user. I do not use it for my business (well, sometimes I do, but my business is one person. Me.). Why don’t they have a level between the free Basic and Pro that does not cost so much? For what I use it for, I don’t need all the AI and phone stuff…I just wanna hang out with my faraway friends on Zoom a couple times a month. Sheesh. Stupid.

OK, quilt guild meeting today. Need to sand doors (ugh). Lots of doors. Need to finish quilting this small one and pack up one to ship to my SIL for her wall. Her job is to sell it off her wall. Or just enjoy it. Also fine. The yardwork needs to start, as we go into a warm week. Carpet starts Monday…so I moved a bunch of drawers, but still have some stuff to move at the last minute…that’ll be tomorrow. Hoping to hike today? But will need to wait until 6 PM I think for it to cool down enough. That interferes with the Man’s dinner plans, although he’s going out to lunch, so he’ll probably need a nap. Might be hiking alone. Plan.

Slipping Off Slowly

I just realized it’s July. I missed that. Hello July! It’s the only full month of break that I get. I have a ton of things to do still, but I’m doing a good job of feeling like I’m on break. I’m doing lots of art and reading books. These are good things. I’m feeling the burnout slipping off slowly. This is awesome. I need to do more of that. I need to focus on forcing that into the new school year. I can’t do this every year. I need my day job to be only a day job…not an every-moment-you’re-awake-and-even-when-you’re-trying-to-sleep job. The less my day job allows me time, the more I think about retirement from that job. This is also the month I don’t get a paycheck…somewhat stressful.

Am I also stressed about American politics and the Supreme Not Court and the possibility of 40 more years of Trump? FUCK YEAH. Will that show up in a future quilt (or 10)? Oh my, yes. Right now, the big quilt I’m working on has a ton of war, especially Gaza and those affected by that war, and reproductive rights, which have been a constant issue in my head for a looonnngggg time. And thanks to those who can’t stay in their lane and get out of other people’s uteri, that’s not stopping any time soon.

Meanwhile, I do a little bit of that big quilt a day…

I thought I might be done Monday night, but that didn’t happen…Tuesday night, it did.

Almost 22 hours of trimming pieces, and I didn’t do the smallest pieces. I don’t cut them out until the last minute so I don’t lose them. So up next? Sorting them. That’ll be a couple of hours. Gonna wait for that part of the house to cool down to do that. It’s the sunny side right now.

I also sandwiched and pinbasted the two smaller pieces that have been lying around.

This meant crawling around on the tile with my kneepads on, sweating my ass off.

Small quilts don’t take as long…

There’s the second one…

Both ready for quilting now. Won’t take long. Just need to get my act together to get them done. And my act is on summer break. So there’s that. I had a plan this morning and it already got exploded, but for a good phone call, so I’m OK with that. Real life often gets in the way of plans.

I wanted to get to the ceramics studio this morning. I got there yesterday and happily had the opportunity to put iron oxide on my piece…

And then I started to wipe off the excess iron oxide…

I have some more glaze that needs to go on…some satin clear in a few areas, and I’m going to update the cat’s white fur. I tried to avoid the iron oxide there, but that’s kind of impossible. Well, that’s not true. I’d need wax resist and I didn’t have any, and I really didn’t think of it until today.

This back picture is a better view of the color…

And it will brown out a little when it’s fired. So ideally I would go in today and finish that up so she can be glazed. The other pots are probably ready to go in the bisque fire, but I’m getting totally into the glaze being perfect, which is silly. Anyway. Maybe today.

I’ve also been working on the upper torso of the world figure. The plan with this one is to make a quilt that hangs behind it and comes down under it. The winged piece above will have feathered wings over the ceramic ones and some fabric coming out of the top smokestacks. That’s the goal anyway.

I added the second hand and did some carving on the face and the ‘hair’ and the shoulders…

This one will have mostly underglazes, I think. That’s the plan. It may change with time. I also picked up some more groggy free clay. Some Texas clay. I’m apparently a clay slut. I’ll use anything. I do know that what I’ve been using is not great for sculpture; it slumps a lot. So this will be good.

So what else? Reading. I’m so behind on gardening/yardwork and housework…the fixing part. I was waiting on the contractor to come in and finish the window, which he did yesterday. Now I need to sand some major areas before the carpet goes in next Monday. So that’s a deadline. We also have a heat wave coming in…they’re saying Friday and Saturday, but my weather app is showing Monday and Tuesday will be even hotter. Joy. Not.

I finished the Period book…fascinating stuff. New ideas, new science, about an ancient biological process.

“Require sterilization”…holy crap. That’s a thing? That’s so disturbing. I can’t even think of a reason why that makes sense biologically.

And this was the end of the book…kind of how I look at what I do in my quilts.

Lots of social media memes/graphics about our current political mess…

And this…

Our current Supreme Court is a joke.

I dissent.

In local news, it’s a good thing we moved all that furniture last Friday, because the boychild’s been working this fire for a few days now and will probably make it home for one day, maybe.

It’s east of here, and somewhat under control.

He’s still out there though. So Sunday night, I’ll have to empty dressers and move a few things, strip two beds Monday morning. Not too bad though.

Remembering this for the upcoming school year.

The last one seems relevant.

And lastly, Nova has found the roll of quilts that normally lives under the bed…now it’s 4 feet higher, but she’s still lying on it.

This is why they’re all covered in sheets.

OK. I’m watching the Stitchpunk Textile Talk, three artists whose work is in the show. I need to go to the ceramics studio. I need to get some greenery trashcans filled…although I just realized they won’t pick up until Friday because of the holiday. I need to buy a box to ship a quilt…the one box I have is buried way way back in the dining area…no chance of getting to it. And I need to ship the quilt that is currently on my worktable so I can start ironing the big quilt together in the next few days. I’ve got pilates, I’m almost done with my book (90%! So hard to not just read it right now), and I need more tea. Definitely slept better last night…the night before, there was a skunk or raccoon that set Simba off, and then two loose dogs around 2 AM that made us get up, our upper neighbors get up, Simba lost his mind, and it was just generally not sleep-conducive. The one dog got trapped in my yard and couldn’t figure out how to get out, so he just kept barking, and the other one was running around, all upset. He eventually got trapped in the upper neighbor’s yard, more barking. Scared dogs, so no persuading them toward us. We finally just opened all our gates and went back in, hopeful they would figure it out. And they did. Hoping also that they made it home, wherever that is. OK. Make a plan. Even if it’s reading and napping (sounds lovely, doesn’t it?).

Seesaw Days

The worst days are those where there is some good news and then something rocks me backwards into the muck. I keep thinking the good will buffer me from the bad, but it’s not quite working that way yet. I can’t seem to hold on to the good long enough. It’s so easy for the bad to take over. Yes, I guess that’s depression…just like it’s depression that keeps shoving the bad feelings away, putting them in a drawer somewhere for me to deal with later, whenever later is. I feel like I’m building armor over me to protect me from those bad things. I don’t know if that’s good either. I already have a lot of armor up from the divorce years ago…I let some of it down, and now here I am. But you can’t be in the world without letting some of it down.

I did biometrics testing yesterday at work; it’s part of the health insurance program that provides me with my health coach, whom I’ve never met. This is my second health coach…the first one was older than me, I think, and had been through grief and death and at least had some concept of the aging perimenopausal woman’s body. This one is young, mid-20s probably, and thinks everything is simple…are you over your grief yet? You can eat this many calories (no I can’t…look back at the notes from the previous health coach). Anyway. She tries. It makes me be accountable to someone besides my sad self. Anyway, the biometrics was basically BMI, skeletal muscle, fat/muscle ratio, measurements etc., and some stuff for me will never be great just due to genetics, but the numbers were really good compared to 18 months ago. If I’ve done nothing in the last year, I’ve aimed myself at being a healthier old lady. I’m close to all my goals on that. That was good news. It made me smile, even when I think about how I got there.

Because my weight loss plan? Well for the first year, it was healthy: eat reasonably, use an app to track calories, exercise regularly. Lost 20 pounds. It was hard, but worth it. Good deal. For the last 3 1/2 months? Experience extremely traumatic event, stop eating normally, exercise lots, and lose a shitload of weight. Lost 27 pounds. Seriously? And even this week and last week, little things throw me off and I get back into the not-eating mode, not because I’m trying to punish myself (I’m not…I’d really LIKE to be able to eat sometimes), but because I just can’t stomach it. The psychological pain is enough to make me gag and the nausea makes my stomach feel like a roiling sea of acid and those two things combined means I can eat a handful of peanuts or a spoonful of cereal, and then that’s it. I’m done. Not the healthiest diet plan in the world.

In my life, this is what I’ve found that helps me lose weight: really horrific traumatic personal events, stomach flu, and pregnancy (because I throw up for 40 weeks straight). All the things my health coach says should work? Don’t. None of those other health plans really work…try one of these (don’t…it’s not worth it).

OK. Whatever. So from here on out, I know I’m going to be one of those scary old ladies at the gym until I die. I’m OK with that. As far as the emotional crap goes, I know it’s going to take me a really long time to get past all this depression and the trauma and the trust issues, which are beyond huge at this point. They seem to get bigger every day. Not good. This is what counselors are for. I’m going to keep making art and at some point, I will get a rush off it again. I hope. It’s a lot of just doing at the moment. The just-doing doesn’t feel bad, but it doesn’t feel good either. Hopefully some day, it will feel good again. Hopefully lots of things will feel good again. People keep telling me they will, but believing them means I need to trust them. Yeah. I know.

I picked up the Babygirl quilt last night and my trophy for 2nd place…

There’s nothing like a Pussy Trophy to make you at least smile for a moment. When I picked it up, I had a conversation about whether people should be in long-term relationships at all, whether it makes any logical or biological sense (I don’t know that the word logical should be hiding in biological, and it really isn’t, if you look at the meaning, but it just creeped me out, because biology isn’t logical in many ways). She is considerably more cynical than I am…not trusting any relationship to last for a long time. She’s been through more than I have, though. I guess I am more idealist than that…I do think that with mature, responsible adults that you can get through most of the trying times, as long as both people are behaving appropriately to the relationship…there are dealbreakers, of course, and I guess this comes down to how we treat other people…do we sit down and have a conversation about our concerns, our worries, and try to work it out, or like so many relationships I’ve seen fall apart, do we just careen around like bulls in china shops because we don’t know how to handle our own emotions and difficulties, trying to blame other people for how we’re feeling and not dealing with that? And not telling people what we’re feeling and thinking? I’ve seen too much of the latter…maybe this is how we’ve socialized people to be…maybe this is just in our genes. I hate to think it’s the latter. So yeah, I do believe, despite my own personal experiences, that people should be able to hang on to each other in a healthy way for a good long time, and maybe that makes me stupid, but I also know that if it doesn’t work, that there’s at least one person in the relationship who isn’t doing the work of paying attention to other people and themselves. And that’s how people get seriously hurt. Are we genetically built to be selfish assholes, or can we consider the big picture? Is it all about me me me? Or can there be an us that allows both me’s to exist? And let’s not even put the kids in the mix, because my kids HAVE been negatively affected by all this…and I regret that. I can’t do anything about it, because none of this has been under my control, divorce or other; I can just do my best to mitigate the after and show them that it’s not the end of the world…even though it feels like it.

I don’t know if any of that makes sense, and it probably dooms me to loneliness for the rest of my life. Whatever. People are shitty towards each other in general. If there’s no one else out there who thinks like I do, then so be it.

I did go out last night and hang out with total strangers…hang out is probably the wrong term, because although I was in the room with a lot of people, I didn’t interact. I somehow feel better in those situations, at least for a while, because no one there knows my background or my issues, so I don’t have to explain them or talk about them or wonder if they’re wondering if I’m OK, or worry about getting tearful, because I don’t care what any of those people are thinking…they’re total strangers and I don’t have to do anything but BE. And for a few hours, just BEING is easier than a social event where I would have to introduce myself or be with people who know what’s going on, or worse, with people who know me but DON’T know what’s going on and ask painful questions. It’s hard when there’s a break in the event and everyone is standing around socializing and I’m not, but hard is where I’m at right now no matter where I am, with friends, at school, in the grocery store, driving in the car, at the gym, at home…all of it is hard. Every day is hard. Some days are hardER, but they’re all hard. And I guess that is a testament to how much I had invested emotionally…and how little was invested in me.

More drawing tonight? Maybe. I’m already tired and I have a busy day. I’m glad my health is a positive thing despite all the shit. I’m glad I went last night (will write more about that later). I’m glad I can make art and give myself moments of peace in the shitstorm that surrounds me. I’m glad my daughter randomly texts me at night when she’s not here and tells me she loves me and that she’ll always be there for me (she won’t. she’s got to go to college and have a life and that’s OK.). I wish for a lot of other things, but there’s no point in dwelling on them (tell my brain that). And I guess I’m going to continue the daily crying jag for a least a while longer.