So Much Easier

I’m back home. Briefly. Like four days, then gone again. I seem to have squished all my travel into a two-week time period. Like it’s almost not worth unpacking before packing again. Different trips though. For the residency, I needed to take seven thousand modes of artmaking. For visiting my daughter, I can stick to a sketchbook and some stitching. I do want to finish up using the dyes today…I should already be doing that, but I got distracted by things. I am very distractable. Distracted. Possibly distracting.

So here’s the last bit of things from the week at Dorland…this is where I dye painted every day in the morning and the evening, when the wind stopped being a crazy dick.

Sometimes it would pick up again right at 9:30 AM; sometimes it wouldn’t even have died down at 7 PM. I’d get a random 20-mph gust and be holding onto everything. But that was part of the challenge. Get up! Get off the chair, out of bed, and go paint before the wind or the dark comes! I’m having that problem today…no wind to make me move my ass. But I will paint today. As soon as I’m done with this, I’ll go set up the table in the driveway and paint until I run out of prepped fabric and/or dyes. I think I can do another 3 or 4. I like it! I don’t like all of what came out of it, but some of them I LOVE.

This is the last one I painted up there; the dyes washed out a lot (but I don’t have a picture of that yet).

I still love it. I’m going to wash all of them this week in the washing machine, final wash. Then decide what to do with them next.

Here’s these two washed out…I love the different ranges of brown in the top one. It all looked the same before I washed it out.

And the bottom one is perfect! By the way, I finally got test results and contact from Sharp…the test results popped up around midday (yes, I was obsessively checking the goddamned app every hour). Benign! Damage from last year’s surgery, probably from the radio transmitter thing they put in, because it went in in a different location from the surgery. Probably next year’s MRI will show damage from this biopsy. Sigh. Thanks body for inflammation and necrosis.

I also finished the second leg on this thing…

Just needs arms and a head. Not sure when I’ll get to that. I like doing it, but it’s so freakin’ slow. Not that the other methods I use are fast really.

I also tested out some of the other mark-making devices I had around the house. I need to wash these out and see what survives.

Some of those line drawings need color or something.

This view is of the valley during the day.

Oh man, I killed so many spiders in the house, mostly littles, but some bigs. One might have been a scorpion and one was a yick ugh camel spider/wind scorpion, not really either of those. It was under my bag when I moved it, went under the wood stove. Then the leather chair. I was obsessively watching it because it was huge. Went to bed and it moved across the room, under another bag (or worse…there were TWO of them). It was moving sluggishly and then sped the fuck up, when I screamed and brought in the shoe. I was gonna put it outside, but fucking no, not if you are that speedy and aggressive. Apparently it doesn’t have venom though…it just wants to be UNDER. Blech. No pictures. You can google it if you want.

I think this was from Sunset Point, which has a similar view to my porch. Closer to sunset.

There was a need to see the sun set each night. I’m going to be honest and say I never saw it rise. Mornings are not my thing. I did do one hike, but didn’t bring poles, so I didn’t do the whole thing. Probably did a mile and a half. Was strangely paranoid about wild animals and/or falling. Anxiety is a fun thing. It manifests wherever the fuck it wants.

Here was the indoor space when I had multiple projects going. I was in a Zoom or webinar, one project on the porch, a pile of stuff under the table, sewing machine to the left, the beginnings of the woman on the right. It was chaos.

Probably a smaller space wouldn’t have worked for me. I didn’t play with everything, but I did play with a lot of things. It was good; it was nice that it was close enough for me to fill the car with things to try. A longer trip? I’d focus on one type of thing, I think, and probably not the dye painting. It is chemical/supply heavy and a pain in the ass, honestly. It doesn’t mean I won’t do it again. I just am aware of the time suck now.

Once a day, y’all.

Some things from what I was reading over the week…

Drawing boobies whenever you want to. Still Christopher Moore’s Anima Rising.

This is intriguing…

From Rebecca Solnit’s Hope in the Dark.

Terrifying to think of…

More about education…

It’s mind boggling. But true. As is this…

Not my Supreme Court…still.

On fire.

I didn’t consciously know about the poet Andrea Gibson…I don’t follow a ton of poets. Maybe that’s a problem. But their stuff is beautiful.

And the world is less full and rich with their being gone…although their poetry remains.

While I was gone, two artist friends of mine were at the Lubeznik show in Indiana…in front of my work.

Which was cool to see.

I got home and unpacked a lot (not all of it) and cleaned part of the fridge, ironically, because to check out of the cottage, I had to clean it to save the cleaning fee, and I probably worked harder there than I ever do at home. That said, there were some things I pulled out of the cupboard that were sticky and I cleaned them prior to using them. But my fridge at home is mostly gross and I needed to get rid of some stuff, so I did all that. Kitten is now full time closed up in my office, to avoid Bowie interactions. So I’m living with a litter tray and food and water. This will be a little problematic when I need to start ironing tonight, but we’ll manage. She’s seriously old and needs peace. She’s currently on an old office chair and can jump down for what she needs. What she really needs today is a bath. Maybe later.

I also sorted the Wonder Under I finished cutting out up at Dorland…

I was tired after that. I’ll need to do some cleaning in here to be able to work on the next step. I also need to go into the ceramics studio…not sure when that is happening. I’ve got three doc appointments in two days (and one is a root canal, fun times), plus pilates (my hip is looking forward to that). Still trying to figure out the patterns of my blood sugar. Oh! And I need to make a video for Quilt National…I should do that today. Maybe. Maybe I should clean first.

Nova was glad to see me yesterday…

Lots of love. The others too…

OK. Dye painting today. I should shower first. I have pilates later today, but in the middle of the day, like a freak. I need to eat something. Might go straight to eating lunch. I have a headache. Sleep related? Not sure. My hip really hurts for some reason. The weather is weird, all cloudy and delightful. I should take advantage of that. So many things to do! That’s why being gone was so much easier.

A Thought

Sure I’m never gonna have just one thought. My brain works way too fast in a branching psychosis that may be helpful in some situations, but sometimes ties neurons up in knots and creates flailingness. I’ve been working on art stuff most days for about 4-6 hours on and off, depending on the state of my brain. I should be able to work for 12 hours, right? I do know that pre-COVID, I would spend 6-8 hours on a break day or a Saturday, just working on one piece…but that’s a known process, it’s ironing all the pieces to fabric, it’s cutting things out…the idea already exists, the process is something I’ve done for years. This? Is not. This is fucking around with new ways of making. New ways of thinking and working. Somewhat exhausting. GOOD, but definitely the neurons needs breaks.

Here’s my thought. And it’s one I’ve had before but it is just being reinforced by this week away. I need to do this full time. Well…I first was going to type “more”… but full time is the reality. Nope, the reality is that I can’t afford full time right now. I’m watching a webinar right now where I know these artists are full time…and I don’t know HOW (retired? Partner supports? Independently wealthy?). I am none of those things. I am aiming for the first. The other two are out of reach. That said, I can do more. I think. I say that and then school punches me in the face. Imma punch back this year.

SO. I just posted all these pictures in order of when they were taken using the ancient iPad, and that’s not how I usually write. I usually do it more thematically, but I don’t want to waste two hours like I did Wednesday. So it’s gonna be that way.

The dye paintings have to sit MOIST and DAMP for 24 hours, so I make piles of them in cut-up and taped plastic bags with the dates/times written on them that I painted them, and then I wash them out as I go, more than 24 hours later. I knew that peach would get less orange, but I love that the blue stayed so blue. I love the top one…the bottom one I also love, but it will need some handwork, I think.

I’m trying things out here. On the one hand, I like the thin line I get with the tiny applicator, but it’s hard to draw with on fabric. The thicker ones are easier, but bleed more. But I also want to mess with just color and dye. So this is all trying stuff out.

Scrub jay. It’s loud and visits every evening. Last night, they brought a friend.

I forgot to take a picture of this piece before I covered it; the thin lines dry out really fast and it was in the afternoon, so it was warm and windy and I was afraid it would dry out too much and not set. And I haven’t washed it out yet…so I don’t know whether it set or not. That’s on my list for this afternoon.

Here’s the other line one I did that WAS washed out, although it needs more washout with Synthrapol…there’s a shadow as I let it dry. Obviously, these need color. Or maybe not. I think they do.

I have fabric paints and pencils and pens and a whole host of shit I brought and am not going to get to try. I overplanned. Wait, I always do that. It’s not a surprise. The Man is coming to visit today through tomorrow, and I’m going to send some stuff home with him, because I’m either done with it (threadpainting) or I’m not going to get to it (ceramics, probably paints & pens & pencils…still thinking about that). Once he leaves, I don’t have much time left anyway…just Saturday afternoon and evening. Sunday is mostly packing and cleaning.

This one…I love this one. I outlined with a thin brush, not the applicator. Still a pain, but less than the applicator. Then painted. The color, the orange, a lot will wash out. but I still love this.

Once you mix the dye paste, it’s hard to know how long it will last. One book says 5 days; the other says “keep track as you work so you know”. Um. Well. This was yesterday morning, and I mixed all the dye paste on Monday (took forever because of the wind). I think today is day 5. I still have a bunch of paste left, though, so I might just keep going and assume they’ll get more pastel with time? It really is just a matter of how much of it washes out. I have a shit ton more fabric. And a lot less wind at home. And a few days off before school starts. Actually, there are a million doc appointments in three days, and then I leave for San Francisco and the girlchild and more looking at art. I love this for me!

I read Christopher Moore’s new book, Anima Rising. It was great. Lots of art and cultural and literary references.

I love Sedna.

This is either the same alligator lizard that was on the door or another one (I think it’s a bigger one, honestly). NATURE!

Luckily, this one was outside. With the snake and the squirrel and the fox and the ravens and the owl. But NOT the spiders. I’ve killed 5 so far, 4 of them giant ugly grass spiders who survive multiple shoe whacks, and one bit me while I was asleep (not the grass spider; something smaller and bitier)…on my NECK. Freaked out by that. And yet, I continue to walk around barefoot. I did leave out the spider-killing shoe though…as a warning?

I was on two Zooms yesterday, one where an artist explained how she bought a church and remodeled it to be living space and studio (not happening here in San Diego…Susan Lenz, in case you’re interested) and one was my local SAQA meeting, with a presentation by another artist (Angela Jean). Both were interesting, but I couldn’t focus on anything else, so I embroidered the…is this June?…block of Sue Spargo’s Rooted. Finished this one…

And started July. Here’s the setup where I’m working on the female figure. I thought I might work on that, but apparently the brain can’t listen with intent AND make art with intent.

I need to edit some of these photos, but I might have to go back to the iPad for that, OR leave them be. Frustrating process. Not sure why I can’t do it on the app here.

Here are these two washed out. I love the top one. The brown washed out but still looks great. I can quilt this and it’s done. The bottom one…well, I loved it when I painted it, but I used the thicker bottle applicators and it bled like crazy…which doesn’t work for this. I’ll have to decide whether to fix it somehow? Or chalk it up to practice and make a cat blanket.

This one I think will wash out well…the browns have a lot more colors in them that will show up after the washout. I had a plan, but then accidentally dropped dye in some places I didn’t originally have dye…

A learning experience. I did this one last night. It was dry and the wind kept picking up randomly. There were storm clouds floating around, but nothing stuck…until the 5 seconds of rain at midnight or so.

I just take lots of sky pictures…weird for someone who isn’t really a landscape artist. The sky is way more complicated in person.

In the afternoon and evening, I worked on this. OMG this is so time consuming. I guess I didn’t come up here to find faster ways to make art. This is with 9 hours in.

I get one section pinned and then stitch it all down (by hand…that may be part of the issue, but hand stitching doesn’t make things as flat as machine, and that’s what I want). I had to add another section to the bottom to accommodate the feet. I still need to work on the lower legs and then the arms, and goodness, she might need a head. So it’s not getting done here. But I like it. It needs a lot more. Also, I so did not need to bring two giant boxes of fabric for this. But I ran out of time to edit fabrics.

So yesterday was business day 6 of not hearing back on the boob biopsy. I called in the morning and they said all the things, I found out that my doc IS on vacation this week (she’s allowed), and I asked for the sub doc to call back or something. The nice man (who is a man and maybe doesn’t understand boob anxiety) said “oh I’ll send a message and they’ll answer in another 3-5 business days”. OMFG. I explained that I’d already waited that long. I have an appointment with my doc next Tuesday anyway, but I really don’t want to wait another however many business days to hear. Did I hear yesterday? Nope. Nothing. Kept my phone on all day, nothing but fire warnings. SIGH FUCKING SIGH. So this morning, I wake up, slowly, and I check my email while trying to get functional enough to do another dye painting, and Sharp sent an email that new test results were released, check the app, and my heart races until I get the app opened…and there’s nothing. No new results. No letter. No message. Nothing. Fuckers.

So I painted this.

The wind picked up, but I think I got my point across. It’s not even the correct boob, but I don’t care. And then I sat through an art webinar that told me I needed to quit my job and make art full time. Ha! It didn’t actually SAY that; I just thought it afterwards.

OK. So I’m still boob anxious. Betting that doesn’t change today. I need a walk, I think. I need to wash out like three things? I think. Maybe two. I have a meet and greet tonight with the other people here. Need to bring an example of my work. Ha! I need to clean up and organize a bit so the Man has a place to sit. I need to work on the lower legs of that other piece. Oh shit, I drew last night too…apparently that picture didn’t come over. Let me see if I can do it on the phone (how many devices do I need to post one thing???).

Answer: three devices, because two of them suck. Well, they all suck in some way, or I wouldn’t need more than one. Original post started on ancient iPad, added most photos there. Saved draft. Typed most of words on laptop. I am old school. I am also old. It’s just easier to type with a real keyboard than hunt and peck. Edited photos and added the drawing photo on the phone…too small for typing.

Walk, then eat lunch, read book, then clean up. Wait. Check Find My app to see if the Man left already. Nope, he’s in the bedroom (scary, huh? He’s actually probably in the bathroom.). So I have at least 90 minutes before he gets here. Then wash out any dye painting that’s more than 24 hours out. Then do other things. Art things. Maybe talk to a human today. I haven’t in a few days. Except on Zoom and the phone with Sharp. OK. Do the things.

Searching for Better Than This…

When my head gets all tied in knots, I have this stash of partially written or barely started posts in draft form on here, and that’s what I put on the blog. It’s like fill-in-the-blank posts, posting-lite, don’t have to think too hard about posting…like the Road to California post…I had all the pictures resized and stuck in the post. I just had to go through and add all the names and links. I can do that without hardly thinking about it…and yet it takes up mental space and time. So I don’t have to deal too much with the goo in my head that wants me to feel bad. Avoidance. Book reviews? Same thing. I have about 8 other posts that are started in draft form, just sitting there, waiting. The Chihuly glass one? Started with photos, but then words took over.

This weekend? Not so much fun. Just keeping my head above water. Trying not to think too hard about feeling bad, about feeling sad. Trying not to remember how I used to feel, because that Kathy does not live here any more. She has moved out. She is never coming back. She can’t get in past the hoard (imagining when they try to get in the front door and all the crap that’s been hoarded is blocking it, and you can only squeeze in).

I went to a movie last night. I used to go to the movies almost every Saturday night. I loved going to the movies. I don’t love it so much by myself. I did it, though, because I felt like I was being punished for being alone, that I didn’t feel like I could do the things I love because of that. I’m becoming a hermit. OK, I was kind of hermit-like before, but I’m getting worse. It’s because it’s honestly too hard to be with people. I often feel more lonely in groups than I do at home alone with my sketchbook and my fabric and a cat or two. It’s sad. I wish it weren’t true. But it is. Right now. And realistically, the movies cost money and money is really tight at the moment.

So I picked a movie I had wanted to see when I first saw the trailers ages ago (there were others, but they weren’t at convenient times), and I drove out there to the theater and I cried through almost the whole movie and all the way home. I saw Her.

It was good…although it had some slow bits and the ending was…eh. Thing is, when I see people with technology now, out to dinner, hanging out in groups, everyone is doing that…talking to themselves, to their OS instead of a human…so it’s creepy, but not that far off of reality. Shades of that book…crap…Wake, by Robert Sawyer, where the WWW becomes conscious and starts talking to a teenage girl…because I know that’s who I would choose to talk to if I were the web (not). Anyway. Here’s why I’m on Goodreads…so I can look shit like that up, books I read before that I can’t remember the name of because my brain is like mush.

I suspect it’s really that so much of my brain is otherwise occupied that stuff like that just slips through.

So that was really successful, guys! I joined a couple of movie-going groups on MeetUp…maybe it will be a better experience. Of course, I can only go like one night a week, and most of their movies are not on that night. Sigh. But it’s better than this. It’s got to be. Something has to be. I keep searching for Better Than This…it’s an island in the Atlantic and there are no boats that go there. I might have to swim.

All the hikes I wanted to go on this weekend were too many hours for a two-day weekend…I had too much I needed to get done, so I got up this morning and hiked Cowles Mountain instead. It’s a quickie, but still is a good workout. San Diego has two mountains that get the shit hiked out of them by every weekend-walker and lame-ass wannabe hiker in the whole town: Cowles and Iron Mountains. The annoying part is the number of people…and the number of people who don’t know trail rules (yes, I’m a hiking elitist, sorry, get the fuck over if you are hiking that slow please)…and the number of dumb bimbos and assholes who are hiking up the side of the mountain, not following the trails, destroying it for future generations. Yes, I yelled at two girls. I apologize. Wait. No I don’t. They were being stupid. Ladies, if there’s a fence, it’s there for a reason. Where are the vicious rattlesnakes when you need them? Avoiding Cowles, for sure. I should carry one in my pack for times like this, just hurl it at the dumbshits who can’t walk on a trail without damaging sensitive habitat. Yes, they went over a fence right next to a sensitive habitat sign. I don’t feel bad about yelling at them.

That said, I did it fast (the hike) and proved I am much more fit than I was 7 months ago, when I would have to stop to rest. I didn’t rest at all, and I ran the downhill, passing two of my former students. HA! That was funny. And their mom. YOUR MOM. Sorry. Middle-school brain took over. I did pass your mom though. She’s looking good. You should be proud of her.

I didn’t do much in the way of art, because I was doing a lot of work-related shit. Which sucks. Always. I did a whole 16 minutes of cutting out Wonder Under…

The thing is, there isn’t much more to do on this one…then I’ll be on to the next step of picking out fabrics. But to what purpose? Hell. I still don’t know. Still don’t feel it. Maybe that’s why I didn’t push it. I knew I’d be done and have to go on to the next step and I wasn’t in the mood. It’s depressing to finish a step right now. I hate that. It used to be fun, sometimes even exhilarating. Now it’s just fucked up.

Then I cleaned photos off my phone. My computer is actually getting full. I have too much music and too many photos. I need to do something about that, like soon. I meant to do it over Xmas and freakin’ ignored it. It’s too much for my brain to handle, like the broken sprinkler lines. I just can’t take it on. I have to though.

The girlchild got reading glasses.

Which is funny, because it was the boychild we thought needed glasses and turns out his vision is almost perfect. She describes her vision as “buzzy.” We said, “vibrating? blurry? fuzzy?” She said, “No, buzzy.” The child has her mother’s way with words. Oh well.

There was this…

Now, it’s one thing to put all those words on the back of your car (to remind you? because it’s not reminding others…driving along, OH SHIT…I’ve blown number 8. Dammit.); it’s another to spell one of them wrong. Sigh.

Jake helping the girlchild make her bed…

I am still learning to take panorama photos on my phone…I inevitably do it wrong three times before I do it right.

That’s Penasquitos last weekend. NOT a panorama.

And here it is again…done almost right this time…

Pretty, huh?

And here was the top of Cowles’ Mountain this morning…

San Diego does have the weather, doesn’t it? OK, summer will suck. I’m a little worried about summer. I won’t be able to hike like this. I don’t do heat well. Maybe I will borrow my ex’s kayak a lot. Maybe I will swim more. I don’t like swimming though.

I finished this book…A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore…

which is a good thing because book club is Wednesday. I liked it. I liked his turn of phrase. I like his weirdo stories. It’s the second of his books that I’ve read. It’s a little wacky, a little out there, but amusing and not dreary. Probably that was a good choice for the weekend, because it was a bit dreary…except for the hiking bit.

I watched this, a Tate Gallery video on nudity in art through the ages…

What’s funny is that to actually link to this video, I had to persuade YouTube that I didn’t need Safety Mode on my videos. They thought it was unsafe…I guess you shouldn’t watch it at work (I thought it was pretty benign myself). I like their shorts…educate the public about art. God knows we aren’t doing it in school any more.

This week? This week is the girlchild’s team finally making it to the CIF playoffs…two games this week guaranteed unless a volcano swallows us up (could happen), a book club meeting, and I think I signed up for two hikes next weekend, just because I think one will get canceled due to rain (she’s a real water wimp, the leader is). I set some goals on the art stuff for this week…I have two drawings I’d like to get done…one is in the sketchbook and one has been copied full size, but needs more. I want to finish the Wonder Under on the Mammogram quilt and start ironing it to fabric. I’d like to get all the wool cut out for Ivy’s quilt too, but I suspect I just shoved more into a busy week than can actually realistically get done. All that is better than thinking about the muck my brain wants to wallow in, though, so hopefully it will keep me distracted. If not, I may be back here again, clearing out photos and writing filler posts that don’t let my brain think too hard about reality. My other goal is to try to go to bed earlier…those super late nights aren’t helping. Maybe just 10 minutes earlier each night until I get back to something in the realm of sanity? Or not. It’s got to be better than this.

Reading as an Escape

I love summer for the time to read. I read fast and I read a lot. The best books are big hulking tomes over 800 pages. I read a fairly wide variety of stuff, although rarely nonfiction. Going through this summer, I think the only thing that has calmed my brain’s overactivity has been reading (and even then, sometimes the book failed). This is the last three weeks of books (I’m also on Goodreads, which I think posts to the right sidebar, although on mobile devices you won’t see that). These have been a real escape for me. When my brain goes on overload, I read. When I can’t fall asleep, I read. I read at the gym. I read as I’m eating yet another meal alone. When school starts, I have less time to read, but I will still do it…

First there was Sacre Bleu: A Comedy d’Art by Christopher Moore.

I had checked this book out months ago, but then didn’t have time to read it (my job!). I loved this book, but I have a big art background and I think that helps. It’s a little out there, but I was highly amused and entertained by it.

Then I read Flight Behavior by Barbara Kingsolver.

I also loved this book, about climate change and the Monarch butterflies. Then again, I love all her books.

I picked this book up at Powell’s Books in Portland last month, but hadn’t read it yet. This is Youth in Revolt by C.D. Payne.

I chose it for the cover, obviously, but I realized as I was reading that I had seen this movie a while ago. The book was OK…it got a little annoying at parts, but so do teenagers, and that’s what it was about. There seemed to be way more words than were needed to tell the story.

On the same trip, I picked up Storm of the Century: An Original Screenplay by Stephen King.

This was interesting because it was actually a screenplay with directions and everything. The story itself was OK…considering it was meant to be a miniseries and never existed as a book, it was OK.

Then I read Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close by Jonathan Safran Foer.

Yes, I know it’s a movie too, but I haven’t seen it. I almost didn’t read this one, because I knew it would have sad parts, and maybe that’s not such a good idea at the moment, but it was a good story and I liked it.

Then I read Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs.

You may start to think that I like everything. I liked this, and there’s a 2nd book coming out about the same characters. It’s kind of more of a kids’ book (even though it’s marketed to adults)…it’s a little quirky, for sure.

My dad hiked the whole Pacific Crest Trail some years back, and I’ve hiked short bits of it, so I wanted to read Wild, by Cheryl Strayed, about her crazy-ass trip on the PCT.

It was an interesting book. She’s kind of a whiner and not particularly smart (at least about trails and hiking), but she does survive it (and she’s writing this about it years later). This was the only nonfiction book of the bunch.

Then I realized the second book in the Ashfall series was out, Ashen Winter by Mike Mullin.

I really really liked Ashfall. I only liked Ashen Winter. There were some unbelievable things (I know, when you look at what I read, there are LOTS of unbelievable things, but this was really over the top) and a little too much drama, but I think this is a YA book, so that’s pretty standard. I suspect there will be a third book, but maybe not.

I haven’t stopped reading…I just thought I should catch up on all these, because I hadn’t been posting about them when I finished, like I normally do. Maybe I’ll get back into the habit now.