Waiting for the Dial Tone

I spent some time this weekend doing brain-deadening work…trying to clean up and organize photos on the computer, mostly of quilts. I had to go back AGAIN and try to figure out how many bathtub drawings there are and how the fuck I’ve numbered them. I still think I have it wrong. I think there are 5. I know I started by making number 2. Because it made sense at the time. Don’t question it. Anyway, I had avoided photos and videos from 2013 for the longest time because that’s when my world exploded for the second time, and I wasn’t taking digital photos when it happened the first time, so it’s not the same organizational issue, and I couldn’t handle the photos. So I was trying to clean up and thinking, hey, it’s been almost two years and aren’t you over all that? Dumbass. One video was all it took.

So that dragged me into a hole, and granted, I’ve got a uterus that’s holding me down there as well with all it’s dysfunction, plus it’s almost the end of school and I’m just a tad stressed out, but HEY. Yeah. Guess I will have to deal with those 2013 photos in maybe 2016. Or 2032, when I will have forgotten my name. Better that way.

Prom took over our world on Saturday…how these girls know about Charlie’s Angels, I don’t know…

They went as a huge group, so we were at the photo session with a million parents.

It’s funny. I don’t remember prom itself, just the stuff before and after. Which I guess is the good stuff anyway. By the end of all that prom assistance (trust me, all I did was drive around and pay for stuff), I managed one small cat drawing and that was it.

Sunday wasn’t much better for some reason. I had to get two labels on quilts that have to be delivered next weekend…

Only one of the two will be in the show. The other one is a standby in case the first one sells, so they can just put it up on the wall to replace the first one. Strange…never been in a show where that was what happened.

I didn’t start stitching down again until almost 11 PM I think.

I got a good chunk done because I once again decided sleep was not as important as others have made it out to be. That might have something to do with my mood, sure, but the mood goes all to hell and back if I don’t do some artwork each day, so I figure I’m better off losing the last hour of sleep, which is never a great hour anyway, because of bird noises and kid noises and kittens who hurdle my head. None of those are good things. Being a light sleeper sucks. Even in my own environment, in my own bed, I sleep badly, but I sleep better if I really push it until I’m exhausted. Otherwise, give it up…I’ll lie there wide awake for an hour or two before I fall asleep.

I’m once again on hold with financial aid, since it seems impossible to clear everything this year. I think they just hung up on me, because the awful music stopped, but who can tell? I guess I wait for the dial tone. Sort of a theme for my life right now, until school gets out. This week is for rushing to get grades in the system and finished, so I don’t have to do them all over the weekend. Hopefully I will be efficient. Same with the quilt. I need to finish the stitch down tonight and then maybe pinbaste…not sure I can do that tonight too. We’ll see. I need some gym time as well. The recording just told me there were 10 calls ahead of me and I’ve been on hold for 13 minutes. I have to leave for work in 20 minutes. What do you think? Gonna have to call again during prep? Probably. Sigh.

Settling In…

There was a crazy tornado mood that swept through me yesterday…up and down and turned all around and settled somewhere in the middle by nighttime, which I guess is better than where I started. It’s strange to sit there and watch the hormones blow through, feel what they do to your brain and body, all the while watching the video you’re showing to your students about PMS and nodding your head quite vigorously along with the goofy chick who’s on there (Lilly Singh, aka iiSuperwomanii…gotta love her…and my students do). When the mood was finally gone, I had finished grading the last major project (still have other stuff though), dinner was made and eaten, and I’d watched two more episodes of Elementary, another version of Sherlock.

It was officially time to sew. So I did.

I stitched stuff down for over two hours and got a goodly portion of it done. I’m hoping to do some more this morning before I have to leave for prom preparations, but we’ll see. It means getting my butt out of this chair and into the shower (waiting for the hot water to return, since girlchild probably just used it all). Today’s kinda weird, but I’m looking forward to some relaxing time in the evening at least…trying to ignore the 17 thousand things I’m supposed to be doing as well. Shhh. Quiet. I know you’re there. That’s what I have list apps for. You’re not going anywhere. The true deadlines? Crap. There’s one I forgot about. Hold on…OK. I paid the $2.70 the boychild owed school. Really. I am not kidding. I don’t even know what he could have charged for that little…probably printing something. But I DID IT. Seriously considering how long I would have to work at my job to earn $2.70 so I can compare it to the amount of time it took me to pay that bill.

I am yes…still…a bit cranky. But I can blame that on school and all the pressures of the end of the year. I continue to be pleased by Kitten’s new explorations of the house, even as I deeply miss Babygirl’s squawky presence.

She really enjoys Voyager. She said. Actually, she used to hang out in the studio/office with me all the time. It was her special space until Babygirl commandeered it, so it’s nice to see her back in here. She climbed around in all the holes and spaces, which have probably changed around a bit in the last 2 1/2 years, and then she settled down on a big pile of fabric, happy as a clam…

Which did make me happy too. Which is good, because I think all the prom stuff today might kick my ass. I have to keep my cool for quite a few hours no matter what, and then I will collapse on the floor and draw something really angry and explosive and painful, and I will be fine. Maybe. Until then, know that the 18 months I spent doing meditation Every Single Day (which I really should start doing again…really) has definitely come in handy this year, with students, adults, and my own children. And probably my own brain as well. Yup. Should maybe start meditating right this second. (some days, you just survive.)

Stuck Down

I’m trying to stay on track. I have a list a mile long. Actually, I have multiple lists. When I wake up in the morning, my phone says alarming things like, “You have a busy day today. There are 22 items on your calendar.” What the fuck? Are any of them “eat” or “sleep?” Nope. The standard stuff isn’t even on there. That’s just the extras. And some of them are easy, like “pay the damn bills” or “enter a show.” OK, that one is not easy, and many thanks to the three varied and useful brains (plus Google) that were helping me come up with a theme/show title for a one-woman show I’m considering. Though it made me realize that a lot of the words that have to do with women just annoy me. Like “feminine.” Anyone who knows me is clear that I am sort of the anti-feminine, and yet that is the word, the adjective, that is supposed to go along with me and my parts. There’s “womanly” as well, which just means you have curvy boobs and hips, right? “She has a womanly figure.” Fuck me. I hate that stuff. “Feminine” implies pretty smells and wafting silky fabrics and a pinky raised for tea. It’s interesting what words just set my teeth on edge. “Tits”…that’s the one my male students use that just sets me off. I don’t know why. (I should probably carry warning labels…maybe I do.) Don’t call me a girl, don’t call me a lady. I’m not either.

Anyway. My brain is on overload with that, and I have about a week to figure it out…surely from the list I typed into my phone as the other three threw stuff out at me, I will be able to find something semi-appropriate.

Meanwhile, I finally made it home and tried to focus. I’ve been so tired, and I’ve been going to bed early, but then I don’t sleep, so it’s fucking pointless. I am going to buy a gun just to go find that fucking mockingbird on my street and blow its perky, loud feathers away (moody much?). Then I will sell it back (the gun).

I wanted to iron everything to the background on Wednesday night, but that was exhaustion level tired. Last night, I had a cup of tea and some food and started to revive. I cut a background piece…luckily it didn’t need to be pieced, because this quilt isn’t actually that big, and then I started ironing…

The tree leaves tried to be fussy little assholes, but I ironed them into submission. This was actually pretty easy to iron down, because it was all one piece and only the tree was fussy.

It took me less than an hour…

So that’s a little over 10 hours in ironing, more than I thought, but not unreasonable. Notice in the bottom right corner that Kitten is venturing out into the house again. She’s still really nervous about being out, and keeps looking around for Babygirl, and Midnight is being kind of a pissy bitch about her being out too, so there’s some growling going on, but I think they’ll adjust.

ANYWAY. Hopefully tonight I’ll start stitching it down, which shouldn’t take long. My Saturday is kind of a mess at the moment, though, so I do have to grade papers tonight. I wanted to pinbaste it on Sunday, but I don’t know how realistic that is. We’ll see. Probably not an option.

But I’m two weeks ahead again. So that’s good. Anyway. Stuck down to the fabric. Ten days of school left. Then I have to get my head above water and try to figure out how to get some extra money this summer. I have three things going…I just need enough time and space to get them moving. Right now, it’s a lost cause, but it will get better soon.

Last night, I did sew some feet…

Although it feels like I should have been able to do more than that in an hour and a half. Whatever. Thirty-nine bullion knots in 90 minutes. OK, see it doesn’t sound so bad when I say it THAT way. That’s 2.3 minutes per bullion. OK then. I’m not going for the world record in bullion stitching. I think. Is there money in it?

How to Get Nothing Done…

Be a parent. Seriously. You can even be an animal parent and get nothing done. I got home yesterday and ate something and did one thing online for school, and then left for the senior awards ceremony…and sat through 2.5 hours of it.

The plus is that the girlchild was up there three times, and one was pretty exciting for her, because they say how much her scholarship was and where she’s going, and people are impressed by that…

So that makes her feel good, and she’s such a stress monkey at the moment that I’m OK with that.

So we sat there in an uncomfortable metal chair and I couldn’t even concentrate enough to read my book. And then we ate dinner out like a big family of crazy people (because we are) and by the time we got home, it was 10 PM and I was exhausted. Somehow I managed to feed the dog and do something while drinking a cup of tea (please don’t ask me what I was doing, because I really don’t know), and I considered trying to iron the bathtub piece to the background, but I could not find the energy AT ALL. And I was pretty sure I would fuck it up if I did.

Shocking really. So I went to bed early (for me). And then woke up at 2:36 AM and again at 5:21 AM and that damn mockingbird was mocking me (like they do), so I put a pillow over my head until the alarm went off. Actually, I checked the clock again three minutes before the alarm was supposed to go off, and in my special crazy, I tried to go back to sleep for those three minutes because they really mattered.

Can’t guarantee I’ll be able to iron tonight either…I’ll be at work until 5:30 and then a meeting after that, and if I’m still alive after all that, it’ll be a miracle. Love this time of year. Really, I do. I will be collapsing from exhaustion soon. Possibly before 1st period even starts.

Kitten still doesn’t believe Babygirl’s not here, so she’s still running around paranoid, looking around corners and racing down hallways. Who knows how long it will take for her to get used to this being a safe space again, even though Babygirl wasn’t up to her normal terrorizing self for the last two weeks. Sigh. Miss the kitty.

Babygirl and a Bathtub

Yesterday was Babygirl’s last…I’d like to say she just fell asleep and went off into kitty heaven, but we had to assist her in that. Both kids came to the vet for the first time ever (girlchild came for Ivy) and petted her and made sure she was purring at the end. We guess she was closer to 16 than 12, unlike my great aunt’s records on the cat.

(I watch Star Trek with my cats…yes)

Babygirl came to us 2 1/2 years ago when my great aunt died. She came with an attitude, being a bit of a kitty terrorist, sure she was Queen here, disrupting all three existing cats. As things worked out, there was an uneasy truce here between the three remaining cats (one died of kidney failure soon after her arrival). She had been spoiled rotten by my aunt, didn’t like other animals except humans, and for a while, we even tried to find her another home, one where she could be Queen, the only cat, because we thought everyone would be happier that way.

It didn’t work, so we kept her…and everyone adjusted. She adopted the boychild as her special caregiver, and he was happy to have her. Kitten learned to run fast or have an escort to the litter tray and food (I carried her down the hallway every morning and every afternoon), and I learned to close my bedroom door at night, so I wouldn’t have cat fights in there at 2 AM.

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That said, she did love us and we loved her cranky psychotic self…so it was hard to do, to let her go, but it was time. I hate that. You know it’s the right thing, but it still feels like shit. Babygirl is the only cat of mine that has had a quilt named after her…

A quilt that won a prize as well. She’s also the only animal of ours who has a tag on this blog, because she caused so many issues in the beginning, so I wrote about her a lot.

It was a rough time at the vet.

And then I came home and did the dishes and cooked dinner and tried to distract myself for a while…and then that stopped and I cried again. It is what it is. I am down to only two cats for the first time in about 19 years. And Kitten, who has been hiding in my room for all that time…she’s coming out. She’s in my office right now, sniffing all the things she’s been missing. She was out on the couch yesterday. I slept with my door open.

So at some point, I thought I might finish ironing last night, despite all that…

Although I was tired and felt depleted and probably should have just gone to bed, based on how I feel this morning.

As you know, I rarely listen to that part of my brain though. I ironed some knees and an arm…

And then I took a break, because it was late enough that I could have gone to sleep and I wasn’t sure I wanted to finish last night, because I knew it would be late, and I was tired. I am emotional and I have to deal with some major shit in class this week, plus all the other stuff, and I didn’t know exactly how long it would take to do all those fussy hair bits and another human body.

Then, in true Kathy fashion, I said Fuck It. And ironed.

I knew if I put it off until tonight that I would just do this little bit tonight and not get it ironed onto fabric, and I want to speed this up a bit, so I did it, and yeah, it was after midnight when I went to bed, but it’s often after midnight and that explains why I look so tired when you see me.

It’s hard to see, I know. It will be better when it’s on the background and I can hang it up. I have 8 hours into the ironing and still there’s another hour or so to get it down on the background. It is all in one piece, though, which is nice. Much less fussy than some quilts I’ve had to iron down. The gingko tree will be the worst part of it; getting all those branches and leaves laid out right will be a pain in the ass, honestly.

So the first bathtub quilt is that much closer to done. And I have sent yet another kitty into that giant meadow in the sky where they chase bugs and lie in the sun and eat endless tuna from human plates. Or in the case of Babygirl, drink my cold tea from the teacup. Where there was people food, there was her little face, meowing incessantly at you. (Thanks, Aunt Betty, for teaching her that.) Sweet crazy animal…

It’s a heavy morning…we miss you Babygirl.

Problem-Solving the Fussy Bits…

I was sitting here a minute ago with a dying cat in my lap, trying to type and failing, until she decided she didn’t want to be in my lap any more. We’ve been trying to keep Babygirl comfortable and happy, best we can, vying for the right to make her purr. She’s still doing that. It’s hard to know when is the right time to end a pet’s life. I know that I could have done that last night, and so could the boychild, but the girlchild wasn’t there yet. And she spent half the night apparently getting up and checking on Babygirl, because the cat kept coming in her room and meowing at her and she thought she was dying. So maybe tonight she’ll be ready to admit the cat isn’t getting better. Last night, she didn’t think that. Yesterday Babygirl let me hand feed her. This morning? She wouldn’t touch food. So there we are. On death watch.

The prom dress is finally finished and done and paid for. We commissioned the dress from a picture, and the woman who created it is pretty amazing. I’m sure pictures will be allowed once hair and makeup are done…which is Saturday. But that took quite a bit of time yesterday. We had dinners (pizzas, handmade except for the dough) ready and some cooked or cooking and had to go back for the dress’ final fitting. So dinner was late. And then I had to hold a cat and pet it until it was tired of me…in the old days, I wouldn’t have made 30 seconds. Last night, she lasted 20 minutes. Proof she’s not well.

So ironing started late too…and it was the hard stuff…body parts…

I had things overlapping that had to be out of the way until the stuff underneath was ironed. It was fussy ironing.

In fact, I think I spent most of the hour and a half just on the body torso and knees.

Finally ironing it to the head from the previous night. Then I started on the water…

Which honestly is just a pain in the butt. So when I got to about 11:30, I quit. I was tired, and the next step was yet another fussy body part and I couldn’t even see the numbers, because I’m trying to iron it all down together at the same time, so I have two layers of ironing sheet under the middle and I can’t see the numbers through both layers. Aargh. I’ll try again tonight or tomorrow night.

I’m in the 400s though…almost 8 hours of ironing done. I could finish in a couple of hours, I think…at least ironing pieces together. Then there’s the ironing onto the background. I’m thinking I could be stitching down by Friday. Maybe sandwiching Sunday? Is that wishful thinking? And quilting it next week? (Because grades aren’t due and you don’t have to print like 60 awards and and and…)

Because I have another quilt in line behind it already…and yes, I’m buried in grading, but I’m really trying to NOT bring a lot of that home. Honestly, I get home and once I’m done dealing with all the crap to deal with here, there isn’t any brain power left to grade papers. I’m spending a lot of brain power on problem-solving at the moment. How is that different than the rest of the time? No idea.

OK, parent meeting number one is in 40 minutes and I’m still home (problem), I need to write a chore note for the boychild, who is doing what I ask at least (someone is!), I need to pack a lunch and pet a dying kitty again. Some days it feels like I’m doing it all wrong. I know I’m not, but it just feels that way.

Nothing Is Ever Easy…Except Making a Mess…

I started ironing Saturday morning. I was sitting around waiting for my car to be finished so I could pick it up, and that ended up taking all day, but I did some other stuff too. I really should have been grading, but I did about 4 hours the night before, so I felt OK about quitting. I also input all of what I graded on Saturday morning…more unpaid teacher work. As we get closer to vacation and I hear more “You’re so lucky” about having the whole summer off, while my gut’s in knots because I don’t get paid, I get snarkier and snarkier about all the unpaid work we do. When you consider doing a professional development course over the summer just so you will get some extra money, you know it’s bad.

And it’s bad. Whatever.

So I ironed. Because ironing isn’t bad. It just makes things flat and forces them to stick together. First I lay out the first 100 pieces…

They’re in groups of 10…makes it easier to find what I need. Then I start ironing…

For some reason, and I’m not sure it was a good one, I numbered all the things outside the bathtub first, counterclockwise. Then I numbered the outside of the bathtub, then the figure at the top, then the water, then the figure at the bottom. The reason I’m telling you this is because I think it was a bad plan to try ironing everything outside in.

That said, that’s what I’m doing. So much for good judgment.

This is Kitten, obviously…

She has her paw over the side of the bathtub…which she would never do in real life. Midnight would, but a black cat is hard to see on a dark background.

There’s a gingko tree behind the bath…you know, like there is in YOUR bathroom. OK, maybe these are all wishful-thinking bathrooms.

There is no way I’m pulling this tree off the ironing sheet until I have to…

That’s where I quit Saturday and went and bought two real not-gingko trees and drew some more (where is that drawing? I thought I photographed it? You might have to wait for that). And watched Interstellar, which I really liked.

Then Sunday was full of crap and doing things and running around. Because it always is except during vacations. And around 8:30 or so, I started ironing again…a pile of clothes…

Hey now, that’s realistic. Except I don’t own any white bras…or white shoes…

Me and white clothing just don’t get along. I’m a spiller…a klutz…and then I started ironing bathtub pieces down…which took up most of the ironing space…

And it’s hard to see because it’s all white on a white background at the moment. The real background fabric is a dark blue. It’ll pop.

I worked on the first face…

And realized it was almost midnight. The time. Not the cat.

And I was 340 pieces in…and just over 5 hours. Only 250 pieces to go, I think. Of course, they are all human figures, which are fussy, and big blobs of water, which can be fussy. But I made significant progress. So that’s good.

The rest of the life shit, well, I’m working on it. School stuff…there never seems to be a way to catch up, but I’m working on it. Did I tell you I made a puberty powerpoint last night? It kind of sucked, but at least I don’t have to write it 5 times today. I can let them write it instead. Maybe I’ll update it for next year. Home stuff is a mess…Babygirl was crying this morning, so I held her, and here’s how I know how close she is to dying: she let me hold her for a good 5 minutes. No way she’d do that if she were her normal feisty self. I got her to purr, though, and I cried. Because having to decide if now is the time, if she is hurting or in pain, that’s the part I hate most. You always second-guess yourself. I wish she would just fall asleep and then not wake up, and take that decision out of my hands, because I’m sitting here looking at a 2-hour staff meeting and the vet closing, and not being able to check on her until almost 5 PM…I even considered taking her with me, but too many students are allergic to cats for me to do that. So I will tell the kids to hold her and pet her a lot while I’m gone and I’ll see where she’s at when I get home. Nothing is ever easy. Except making a mess. That’s easy.

Off to school. Today we learn about puberty…exciting stuff.