The Many Hours of Quietude

There’s a fine line between quiet and quietude, between an uncomfortable silence that is sort of filled by television noises and to-do lists or a peaceful place of calm in your head. Quietude: a state of stillness, calmness, and quiet in a person or place. I’d like to achieve that. Sometimes I do, especially when making stuff. Art. Not dinner. Making dinner does not instill a state of anything, except expectation of food in the near future…assuming I don’t burn it. Depression brain is like chemo brain. I forget about stuff. I don’t hear the timer. I leave the oven on preheat. It’s a mental fugue that sometimes leaves me wondering whether my brain will ever wander fully back. Cooking requires more of my brain than is often available. Besides, I’m a lazy cook.

Perhaps I need to tempt it with more of THIS…

Girlchild made me cheesecake from scratch for Mother’s Day. It’s delicious. Delightful. Incredibly good. Really. She’s good at that cooking thing, and she likes it. Unlike me. I tolerate it. I put up with it because I like the products from freshly cooked food. I don’t like most pre-packaged stuff. So I cook under duress. I’m usually reading at the same time AND watching bad television. I’m glad she likes it. I hope that continues.

The kids also got me poles for hiking…

I’ve been borrowing dad’s old ones. These are lightweight and fold up much smaller than dad’s, AND…they’re purple. Very nice gift. They did well. I guess I was a decent mom this year, despite the brain mess. It’s nice that they listened to me.

I have a new car. My parents, dad especially, busted their butts to find me something…my car’s registration is up next week and we don’t think it will pass the smog test because of the catalytic converter. It was starting to be kind of a desperate issue, like I was going to have to start walking to school. Or not. But they did a bunch of internet stuff and phone calls and some trips to see cars, and it was delivered today. It’s still old, but has low mileage and will get me through the kids’ college years at least, and hopefully longer than that. It’s sad to be my age and not be able to afford to deal with cars and other stuff…but that’s the reality of being a divorced mom…the statistics show that we often never get our heads financially above water, even if we’re making decent money.

Anyway. It’s a bit of a relief.

I am now in the cutting-out fabric stage…

So I can get through all the saved episodes of shows on Tivo, right? I didn’t actually get much done, just an hour. I’m 3 hours in; based on the last few quilts, it’s at least an hour per 100 pieces, so it will be at least 18 hours. I suspect it will be more like 22…but maybe not, because a lot of the really tiny pieces I don’t cut out until I’m ready to iron them down, so I don’t lose them.

I need to put away all the fabrics I used and clean up the office. I’m thinking I might spend some of the upcoming 3-day weekend ironing the other quilt together. It doesn’t have a lot of pieces and I’d like to have a couple of things I’m working on at the same time. I like to feel productive. I also miss drawing. I haven’t drawn in a long time. I have a union meeting tomorrow…I often draw there.

My mood is really flat tonight. I think some of it is tired, but also I just don’t feel like feeling. The phrase “Use your words” keeps bouncing around my brain. I don’t know why. I haven’t been looking at enough art. I haven’t been reading enough blogs. I’m managing exercise and meditation and eating (damn, speaking of eating, my blood sugar is really wacky during the afternoon these days…annoying…need to remember to carry extra food tomorrow). Girlchild and I are still butting heads. Work is still a clusterfuck. It’s hot too…supposed to be 102 degrees tomorrow.

Anyway. The mood will go one way or another…improve or descend into that pit of depressoid bleck. Whichever. This flat mood is worse. I don’t know how to feel normal any more. What does it feel like to get up and not feel like the world is weighing on you, like your whole existence is a stupid mistake?

I don’t know. Make more art. Probably sleep more. Rejoice in the homemade cheesecakes of life, in the purple poles. Read a book. Take a hike.