Time Off

I didn’t post last night because I think I finally hit absolute exhaustion mode. Thursday was a bitchy day, nonstop bullshit left and right, too much to do. Counselor says I thrive on stress…but then by the end of talking to me, she had revised…she said that I had been living that way for so long that I didn’t know how to stop…that I didn’t like it, but I functioned well that way. True that. I try to reduce stress, but that’s hard to do when the world keeps throwing shit at you. The meditation is helping, but we’re going to work on the rest of it. Today feels like more of it, the stress…but I know if I can power through some of this, I can get it done and do the stuff I want to do and get more time for that.

Yesterday was two potlucks…my students were amused because I forgot to put the mashed potatoes in the microwave early enough in class (lunch is after 4th period…I was supposed to microwave them between 3rd and 4th and then put them in the slow cooker…duh), so I stomped (wearing Uggs, feet cold) into the prep room, slammed open fridge, microwave, and stomped back out…they knew they were being typical kids on the day before break, so they thought I was mad at them and was going into the prep room to get something to punish them with (wait, what? Because I do that? like what would I have in there…leftover sheep hearts? cow eyeballs to lob at them? Oh wait. I do have those things.). So that was funny.

Then we kamikazed north in that crazy East County thunderstorm last night to another potluck…it was totally dry and rainfree in North County, but flooding here. Weird stuff made for fun ride. By the time I got home and my body was trying to deal with two different potlucks of food that it wasn’t used to…I meditated…then I sat silent with my cup of tea and stared at the blackened TV, off. Too tired to do anything. But I remembered that I wanted to think about doing a few smaller pieces for shows that need them, and maybe some without nudity (same deal), so I pulled a couple old sketchbooks…

And started thumbing through them. Wow. That was a mistake. The last five years of drawings in these books is mostly at dinner and it’s really painful to look at them. I found a couple that might work for size, but not nudity. The top one isn’t even full. The bottom one is, though. I don’t know if I can open them back up though. Maybe next month.

I found another sketchbook this morning that was a little older…it might be more useful. But I really can’t do that right now…I was looking at that for December (which, yes, is only a week away) and maybe over break if I finish these two. And I already have two in line for after that. At least. Plus there’s another invitational thing to do by next November AND I want to do another big one for next summer. Because I have no life and I might as well fill it with artmaking and fuck the rest of it. It’s really my fault for documenting where I drew each one…I like the history of that process, but for future reference, sometimes history hurts. Counselor says I need to be OK with hurt at some point. I think trust also needs to come back, and neither are lurking behind the curtains waiting for me to call them out…they’ve fucking run for the hills, terrified that I’m going to kick their asses. I think I have a lot of time before I deal with either of those two things.

Or something.

There’s a hike planned for tomorrow to Cuyamaca Peak, but we know it snowed up there…ironically, the last time I went on this hike, it had just snowed too and it was freezing and there was no view. And my co-hiker was a fucking physical wimp, so it was a pain in the ass. Remind me of that in a year. We’ll see about the hike. I’m OK with going and OK with rescheduling…I have plenty to get done.

What’s really calling to me (is not the grading I have to do at school later today, once I get my butt to the gym and run errands) is this…

I want to just pick fabrics out for this quilt for the next 24 hours until it’s done. I can’t, of course, but that’s what I want.

It’s going to be an amazing quilt. I’m really happy with the drawing. I just hung it up Thursday night and I’ve been walking past, in and out of the office to do stuff for school, and every time I look at it, I get excited. That’s good. That’s healthy. Fuck the rest of it.

Calli agrees…

As long as I throw the toy.

I think my other goal this week is to get enough rest…I will be going to the doctor Monday to figure out all my test results (I’m sure she loves that I read and analyze them before I come in, but I want to be able to reduce some of my meds and so I need to know what to look for, although now it looks like I will have to ADD fucking meds for the anemia…bastard body…if you’ve seen my piece Fully Medicated, you know how I feel about being on stupid meds). Maybe some of that is related to my sleeping issues.

I must have REALLY been exhausted last night, because I did mostly sleep, although it was an interesting night, apparently…this is my sleep app from last night…

I don’t usually see peaks like that. Usually it’s more like this…

from the night before. The sleep of the dead. Lack of sleep. Yes, it’s also a work night vs a non-work night, so that helps. Anyway. I’m hoping for plenty of the good sleep and less of the awake time, and longer periods of it…to hopefully recharge for the next three weeks, which are a little chaotic, as always, but complicated by the ex being gone for the holidays this year and college applications being due and balancing my needs for art and a life that isn’t sad and depressing. I had issues with that yesterday…but was too tired to even deal with them. Drawings! There are drawings crowding my brain, but a lot of them involve warrior women taking over the world and burning shit down, so that will be fun to draw. Boychild offered to get me a spear and legal advice…such a good kid.